Finally, I'd fucking had enough. I went to Lowe's (which I HATE) and looked for a small, professional looking "No Soliciting" sign to hang on or near my door. They were out, so I made them order me one and call me when it came in.
The understated but seemingly unambiguous result** was this:
Nice, right? See how it's carefully positioned right above the doorbell so that pushy motherfuckers HAVE to see it before they ring the bell?
Yeah well, in the past 2 weeks I've had three--yes, THREE--"solicitors" ring my bell at 7:30 pm or later. When that happens, know what I want to do? Open the door, sucker punch them in the nose or throat or some other hyper-sensitive area, and slam the door in their faces. And then watch through my peephole as they walk away crying and bloody.
Violent? Maybe. But the sign says "NO SOLICITING!!!!!!!!" [The eight exclamation points are what I consider editorial license.--ed.] So unless you're collecting money for the blind and/or severely dyslexic and are yourself, in fact, blind or dyslexic, then what could POSSIBLY be your excuse for ringing my goddamned bell?
I'm going to type out an addendum and have it laminated and nail that fucker right below the doorbell. It's going to go a little something like this:
"Dear Asshole,
If you're too stupid to understand the term 'NO SOLICITING,' please allow me to break it down for you:
The fact that I've made the effort to go out and buy/mount a "No Soliciting" sign right by my dooorbell most likely means that I am hoping you won't ring my bell or knock on my door. Chances are, I'm probably hanging out with my daughter, or if not, spending one of the three hours a day I get to myself to talk to my friends on the phone, watch a favorite t.v. program, shower, read a book, eat dinner, enjoy my pet cat, clean my house, do laundry, finish some work I didn't have time for today while actually AT work, pay bills/balance my checkbook, read a book or magazine, prepare my taxes, shave my legs, change my sheets, etc.
Do you actually have the nuts to think that I want to spend time talking to you about whatever the fuck it is that you're advocating and/or selling*? If you do, then go ahead and ring the doorbell, because when I DO open the door, I'm going to punch you as hard as I possibly can in the face or throat. I may, in fact, be brandishing a blunt object of some sort or perhaps a dirty pull-up (courtesy of my daughter) or a hand full of litter-covered cat shit (courtesy of--you guessed it, genius--my cat).
If you're willing to take that chance, then go for it motherfucker. If not, then I suggest you turn around and get the fuck off of my front porch. Pronto.
(By the way, Dickweed: Consider yourself warned. If you don't take heed and this throat-punching shit actually goes down, I guaranTEE you that this shit will hold up in a court of law unless you' happen to be blind/dyslexic. And even then, you should have someone with you who is helping you, and the fact that you don't only tells me that you're obviously such a turd that no one wants to be around you.)
Thank you and have a nice day.
--The Bitch Who Lives in this House
*This, my friends, is called "foreshadowing." Pay attention to what happens later!!
**There's this cool thing called the internet. And on it, there's this other cool thing called 'Google.' If I feel compelled to contribute to a charity OF MY CHOICE and WITHIN MY BUDGET, or support a social cause that I believe in, or back a political candidate or issue that I feel deserves it, then guess what: I CAN RESEARCH IT MYSELF AND DO IT ONLINE!! In other words, although I respect your passion and commitment, you really shouldn't ring my damn doorbell."
Feel free to steal that text and post it above your own door. I think it will be better for everyone.
3 comments:
I love that! I may have to print one up myself.
Of course, my big thing these days is to go after the dumbfucks/assholes who speed through the school zone at my daughter's school. Who don't follow any of the rules the school has posted numerous times about how they don't want you turning left out of the driveway 'cause it blocks traffic, etc., etc.
Maybe instead of punching them, I could egg their cars instead?
Hope you and the Geej are well.
Eileen :)
I still like our old "Knock if you have a small penis" sign. And the time those overeager candy salesman read it and said, "What - Is they fags?"
One reason I love my ghetto apartment: the doorbell turns off. I could have used your notice at prior residences, though...when I was in college, the Mormons wouldn't leave me alone, even when I opened the door and a cloud of bong smoke drifted out.
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