It was a fine day, and I was looking forward to a massage and salt-glo body treatment I'd scheduled later that afternoon at a day spa near our house. Earlier that month, I'd unearthed a gift certificate to the spa given to me by my mother the previous Christmas, and needed to use it prior to the expiration date.
When I grabbed my purse to make sure I had some cash with which to tip the massage therapist, I discovered my small, adorable pink metallic wallet that I bought in Portland last summer was missing. I fuh-REEEKED out. I immediately got in my car and flew back to the grocery store, asking the cashier in the lane I'd gone through if she'd seen it (no), the Front End Manager if it had been turned in (no) and the store manager if it had been turned in (also, no). My freak out continued. I am generally good in a crisis, say, if you cut the tip of your finger off and need to get to the hospital or if I back in to a police car when leaving a parking space. Cool as a damn cucumber. However, when I lose stuff that's important to me...stuff that I need RIGHT THAT MINUTE, I lose. My. Shit. I literally had to pop a Xanax just to deal. I immediately called the spa and cancelled my appointment (how would I pay them? My gift certificate was only going to pay for a portion of my services), and that just bummed me out even more because my gift certificate was expiring the next day. Then I ran to the bank to cancel my debit card and get issued a new (temporary) one. Then I got online and on the phone and started canceling credit cards. Thankfully, I don't have but a couple, but it was still a pain in my ass. I looked at my calendar, trying to figure out when the hell I was going to have time to deal with getting a new driver's license--a fate almost as horrible as having to go to the Social Security office for...well, for anything. And the whole time I'm going through all of this, I'm thinking to myself, "Where the fuck IS that damn wallet?!" I don't like it when stuff doesn't make sense--you know, like algebra and when wallets seemingly disappear in thin air. I was in a shitty, shitty mood for the rest of the day.
The next day, I found my fucking wallet on the floor of my closet, right near where I'd hidden the stocking stuffers.
Sigh.
Fast forward to this past Sunday. The Geej and I go to The Lorax. During the movie, I hang my purse between our seats, on the arm rest. Shortly after getting home after the movie, I realize that, DAMNIT TO HELL, my wallet is not in my purse. Grrrr... So, I put The Geej back in the car, and we head back to the damn theater. When I got there, I checked with the ticket booth (nope, but here, fill out this tiny "Lost and Found" slip in case we find it), the snack bar (no) and then asked the pimply 15 year old working the ticket checkpoint if I can go in to the theater and look around where Geej and I had sat to watch the movie. His answer: No. The movie's just started, so come back in about an hour and a half, and you can go in when it's over.
Um, no, Junior. That's not going to work for me. That's my fucking wallet filled with all of my Important Stuff and the cash I'd gotten from our pre-movie trip through the ATM, so you're going to need a bit more accommodating or get me your goddamned manager because your policy? Is stupid.
After speaking with the manager, I was allowed to go in to the theater. The previews were still running. There was a man and his son sitting in the seats Geej and I had occupied. I explained to him what was up, and he got out his phone (for the flashlight effect) and helped me look under and around the seats. No luck.
Having learned my lesson with the whole December "lost" wallet situation, I held off cancelling everything, and instead waited until Monday, hoping that the last clean of the evening at the theater would yield my wallet or that some nice citizen would turn it in and I would get a call. But no.
So Monday, I took the day off to hang with The Geej who--have I mentioned?--is sick. She'd been running a fever off and on since Friday evening, and I wanted to get her in to see the doctor on Monday morning. A good chunk of Monday is spent dealing with her under-the-weatheredness (diagnosis: bad bronchitis) and also, the whole wallet debacle. I even dragged my poor child to the driver's licence office so she could experience the fun that is our Government At Work.
By the end of the day, everything was cancelled, new cards were ordered, and I had my new paper driver's license folded up in my too-big-to-EVER-lose-it-without-noticing-right-away wallet.
Yesterday, I stayed home again with The Geej who, although no longer feverish, was still coughing like Lucille Ball. During an afternoon call with my boss, my other line rang and I answered it. It was the movie theater: they had my wallet.
Well, great.
I headed to the theater to pick it up, expecting all of the cash, etc. to be missing, but sweetbabyjeebus, it was all there! In tact!! I couldn't believe it!
But I've decided that I'm still going to carry the Big Ass Wallet from now on because this cute little pink sucker is too easy to misplace.
In non-wallet related news, we've discovered Cam Wow, and omg The Geej and I laughed ourselves to tears playing around with it yesterday.
Hell, even Doug got in on the fun.
They're camo nutz with the poignant yellow ribbon that honors our brave service men and women risking their lives for American freedom...the same freedom that gives us the ability to purchase and display the very nutz that honor them.
Yes, he'd brought all the gear with him from home, and with the 46" flat screen high def t.v. action, it was THE BOMB. I've never gotten to play Rock Band before, and for those of you who know how much I love to "perform," it was a game custom made for me. I tore UP the vocals on "Limelight" by Rush and "Creep" by Radiohead. Can't say I did so well on "Mississippi Queen" (whoever that's by). And I only tried to play an "instrument" once. It was the drums, and it was...well...sad. I also tried my hand at Dance Dance Revolution, and then decided (wisely) that it was time for bed.
I really enjoyed it, and want to go back again and explore the trails, but for our first venture, just looking at the rescued animals and digging in the sand were okay by us.
And it makes her look SO much older. 
Sigh... I just can't believe how big she is when I look at her sometimes. Yesterday when we walked out of 
He was just sitting there, letting the water drip on his big ol' head, purring his big ol'ass off. I swear the boy ain't right.
This wonderful concoction--that the world was absolutely thirsting for--originates from Florida, birthplace of Hooter's and alligator jerky. PLEASE check out their 
"Yeah Mom! My modeling career is really taking off!! I'm the latest Bottle Model for 'Sum Poosie!' Aren't you THRILLED?!"
Let's get a close up on that nice Mexican stereotype cartoon character, shall we?
The shirt she brought for BH says something like, "Dos XX Drinking Club." It's almost as ghastly as this one, but not quite. I'm just going to have to assume my mom was wasted when she bought this and NOT that she thought I'm the kind of person who would wear this out in public. 
(I'm thinking that between the Aquatable and this thing and god-knows-what-else you can find on the interwebs, you could potentially FILL your house with aquarium-related crapola this Christmas.)
Gift Idea #2: Some home decor for the bondage-inclined, decapitation prone murderer on your list. Because, what says "I've got Klass," more than an anorexic, shiny, headless woman lamp-type thing? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
But alas, all I can say is that the very existence of this "lifelike cast resin" version of Sasquatch is far more unbelievable than the creature spoken of in the legendary Pacific Northwest sightings.
I'm not sure, but I think this comes from the "Toby Keith SERIOUSLY Rules" home patriot decor collection.
Yep, there's nothing that says you've got a deep personal relationship with Christ like carrying a horribly ugly purse with "I Believe in Jesus" written on it along with images of He Himself on the cross. Tasteful, no? This was spotted on a Sunday afternoon (suprise!) in a line waiting to be seated at the Cotton Patch Cafe (you don't say!) in Corsicana, Texas (no way!).
Does anyone remember these godawful shoes from the 80s? They were actually called "Tiddies" and had an image of two big boobs on them. Ahh...the 80s. These almost make Crocs look cool. 
Promise me, that when I kick the bucket, you won't pay tribute to me by putting "In Loving Memory/Karla May/Date of Death/My Internet Buddy" on the back window of your Caddy. Thanks. This was taken on HWY 259 in Kilgore, TX, by the way, on the way to my Aunt Mary Lois and Uncle Ray's house.
And finally...vintage Geej:
Country motherfucking Weekly, ya'll.
"A Salute to Hee-Haw" DVD set. Available exclusively at Wal*Mart. Um... I must admit, "Hee Haw" was a regular part of my weekend variety show line-up when I was a wee one. My dad thought Junior Samples was a hoot, dug the "Hee Haw Honeys," and used to declare (with clock-like regularity) that Buck Owens was one of the "ugliest men God ever created." But I also was fed a steady diet of "The Carol Burnet Show," "Flip Wilson," "Sonny and Cher," "Tony Orlando and Dawn," etc. So it was sort of balanced out. But to OWN this? On DVD? So that you can relive the magic over and over and over and BR-549, and over, and over? I think not.
Be thankful that this image is blurry, because the clear reality of this item might cause you to go blind with pure tackiness. Yes friends, "Red Hot Betty is a Red Hat Lady!" And she's teaching fellow "Red Hatters" how to put a little "boop-oop-di-doop" into their stride, even if their stride involves a three-pronged cane or walker. She can be yours for only (I shit you not) $117!! Yep, this is how I want MY grandma spending her fixed income.
"Lovers United by Destiny and Doomed by American Genocide of Their People." How utterly romantic.
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