File Under: Puh-leez Give Me a Fookin' Break

I've been meaning to post about this unbelievably stupid bullshit ever since I saw the seedy little trailer open for business on South Lamar.

Their mission? To "successfully provide high-quality coffee based products with a provocative flair."

I don't even DRINK coffee, and this pisses me off.

Good GOD! Now you can't even get coffee without a little T&A? Way to alienate 50% of your potential coffee-drinking clientele, geniuses.

And you know what's sad? It'll probably succeed like crazy. These little stands will start popping up everywhere. U.S.A!! U.S.A!! We are devolving faster than I ever thought possible. By this point, I'm pretty sure "Idiocracy" was a documentary.

Sometimes I hate people.

See this?

This is a little slice of heaven. It's one of those low water crossings you see when you're driving around in the Hill Country. They're everywhere. They call to you. They say, "Stop. Get out of your car. Come, get cool." And so you go to them, hoping for some relief from the brutal Texas summer.

But once you get out and get closer to (what you hope will be) the pristine, cool, clear water, you start to notice some things. Things like empty Sonic cups, dirty discarded diapers, plastic forks, an empty tube of toothpaste, an empty chip bag, a couple of eaten corn cobs, plastic shopping bags, ziplocs, sunscreen containers, a Whataburger bag, lots and lots of cigarette butts, styrofoam containers that once held fishing bait, many empty soda and beer cans and bottles (a large number of which had been shoved into the hollow center of a majestic cypress tree), and--the most amazing thing of all--a very large, very fresh human turd. That's right people: A large, long, stinky log of shit.

I was just beyond amazed. Who ARE these fucktards? Did their parents raise them to think that leaving this shit (literally) behind in a place like this is acceptable behavior? Haven't they ever heard the goddamned phrase, "Don't Mess With Texas" for pete's sake? Maybe they should change the phrase to be a bit more specific to say, "Don't Shit on Texas" for the stupid dickwads who don't understand the meaning of the word "mess."

God, I wanted to take the jackass who took that dump and rub his fucking face in it like a bad puppy. I mean, how did that even happen? "Hey bro, I'm having a really nice time swimming, but I've got to take a righteous crap. Right here on the banks of the water should be fine, dontcha think? There's already tons of other trash here, so my enormous pile of putrid feces won't really make much of a difference, right? Let me just toss my empty Bud Light can into that tree trunk, toss this cigarette into the water, and adjust my backward baseball cap, pookah shell necklace, and wraparound shades before I get to it."

Yes, I'm stereotyping, but who cares? An asshole is an asshole, and I've seen my fair share who fit the description I just gave, so I'm sticking to it.

And while we're talking about assholes, here's an open letter inspired by this morning's commute to work:

Dear Small-penised Wonder in the Ridiculously Huge Ford Pickup Halfway Up my Tailpipe,

Back the fuck off. And quit making those "What the fuck?!" gestures with your hands because you think I'm going too slow. I was going 65 in rush hour traffic, and last time I checked, the speed limit where we were driving was, you guessed it, 65. And I was going at least 15 mph faster than the tool in the other lane, so you should've just chilled. I had a damn toddler in the car, damnit! Didn't you see her waving her little stuffed bunny in the air?

Here's what I wish for you, cocksucker. I hope that you ram that truck of yours into a tree somewhere while you're hauling ass to get around someone you think is going too slow. I hope you total that truck and seriously injure yourself--and only yourself. I hope the airbag doesn't work, and that the steering column goes into your crotch and turns you into a woman.

Go to Hell,

Karla May

Can you tell it's been a rough week?

Stop it. Seriously.

To all you "reporters" who write the copy that goes underneath photos of pregnant starlets, you've really, really got to quit calling their pregnant bellies a "bump." When did this start? Why is it suddenly ubiquitous? Why do you care if you can see Gwen Stefani's growing bump?

Good God, you make it sound like some sort of enormous zit. It's a fetus, and millions of women grow them in their uteruses (uteri?) every fucking day, so get over it. So cut out the "bump" speak. Now.

I have been to the third circle of Hell...

...and it is the Social Security office in Austin, Texas. JESUS H. FREAKIN' CHRIST!!! I was there for 2 1/2 hours of my life today, just to get a social security card for The Geej. I showed up at 2pm thinking it would probably take me about 45 minutes. But when I walked in and saw the gazillion people ahead of me, I nearly pooped a brick. But I took my number (#738) and had a seat.

This office is located in the former main post office building, and we all know how well designed and attractive those are. Well let me set the scene for you: the Social Security office is basically a long, skinny room. I'd say it's 25' by 12'--not big. At one end, there's a "take a number machine." At the other end, there are 2 (yes, only 2) windows. The walls are empty. There are no forms to fill out. And the few signs that are there are just laserprinted papers taped to the walls. There are about 30 chairs but easily 60 people at any given time, so there are a lot of folks standing around in this very small room. There is no "Now Serving" sign that shows what number is up. Instead, the surly government employees behind windows #1 and #2 yell the numbers from behind bullet-proof glass (which, I'm sorry, is not a very helpful thing for those customers who might be deaf...hello? American With Disabilities Act anyone?). When I got there, they were on #671. And I was number 738. You do the math. Everyone seated around me was saying they'd been there for 2 hours...3 hours... It was fucking retarded. And just to spice things up, there was the obligitory insane person at the front of the room, yelling to herself, causing a scene, and making everyone uncomfortable.

When it was finally my turn (at 4:30), the guy who was helping me said in that resigned "Oh well" government employee lobotomized way that today "wasn't even very busy" and that "it's usually worse." This, and unjust wars, is what our hard-earned tax dollars pay for, my friends.

Have you ever been in a security line at the airport and had someone hand you a yellow card as you enter the line? And then, when you're done, you turn the card in? Well, they are monitoring how long it takes folks to go through the line, and adding/subtracting resources as needed. You think that this approach might be tried at the flippin' Austin, Texas Social Security office. But I guess that would make just too much sense.

But mission accomplished. The Geej will be getting her very own Social Security card in about 10 days. Soon after that, she can get a jobby job and start EARNING that formula she sucks down like a pig.

Just kidding. About the work, that is. I wasn't kidding about her sucking down formula. She loves the stuff...