Tuesday, December 11, 2007

'Tis the season...to POOP ON!

Today, when it was 79 muggy-ass degrees outside, I FINALLY started my Christmas shopping. First, I went to Toy Joy during lunch. I'm embarrassed to say I haven't been there in at least 1 1/2 years. It's one of my most favoritest places ever, and I have just been a loser I guess. But the fact is, I rarely go down near campus. Ever. It depresses me how homogenized it has become, and it just makes me feel old and disconnected. But today I was down there attending an all-day workshop on "Strategic Planning and Goal Setting" (God, I'm such a fucking grown up), and went to one of my favorite college haunts (one of the few that is actually still around) for lunch and then to Toy Joy. Sigh. Got The Geej and BH's younger son some stuff there, vowing I would be back to shop soon when I had more than 20 minutes and $30 to spend.

Oh, where was I? Right: Christmas shopping.

So the workshop ended about 1/2 hour early (that NEVER happens), so I found myself with the rare gift of an hour to kill before I needed to pick up The Geej. I hit this weird shopping center near her school and ended up dropping about $70 in a Target lovingly known as the "Targhetto" because it's so skanky. But, it's still a Target. So there you go.

Long story short: I finally have some damn Christmas gifts to wrap and put under our lovely tree.

Speaking of Christmas gifts, I thought I'd do y'all a favor and do some shopping consulting for you. Some people call it "personal shopping," but since I didn't actually make the purchase and am only providing some REALLY awesome options for you to act upon (or not), I think I'll call it "consulting" and charge you 10 times as much for my services.

Here goes:

Gift Idea #1: For the wacky, cold-natured, free spirit with absolutely no sense of shame in your life, ADULT FOOTIE PAJAMAS!! Perfect for doing the splits and/or some weird frat boy's fucked up sex fantasy.

Gift Idea #2: Some home decor for the bondage-inclined, decapitation prone murderer on your list. Because, what says "I've got Klass," more than an anorexic, shiny, headless woman lamp-type thing? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Gift Idea #3: Want some more kick-ass home decor for your crib? How 'bout some terribly practical furniture like the Aqua Table?

Goddamn, that's good lookin'. Especially with those "brass" sailboats on top that accentuate its ocean-ness. And I'm sure it's a totally trouble-free piece of furniture. Like, it's probably no problem at all to keep it clean and to keep actual marine life alive in it or anything. And I'm sure it's not the least bit difficult to move from one double-wide to another. Right? Who's with me?! The Aquatable RULES!!

Gift Idea #4: While we're on the topic of fine looking tables, may I present the "Unfortunate Sumo." Given the expression on this poor bastard's face, I really, REALLY don't want to know what this thing looks like from the back.

Gift Idea #5: Hey--Do this table and the Aquatable not scream, "Yo, bitches, I'm KLASSY!" loudly enough? Well, how 'bout this saucy little number?

Notice that there's only one martini glass on this table. All I'm saying is that the guy who owns this is one lonely, lonely dude.

Gift Idea #6: Did someone say, "lonely dude"? Well what about the lonely, internet porn addicted, hardcore gamer dudes? Don't they deserve to be on your Christmas list too? Of COURSE they do, Ebenezer!

May I introduce, "The Slanket." Really. That's what it's called. And what's great is, you can order it and send it via the internet, so that you don't actually have to interact with the fucking loser receiving this thing.
Gift Idea #7: Speaking of fucking losers...

The only people who should be able to legally order this are quadriplegics, the extremely elderly, those with disabling illnesses (such as Multiple Sclerosis, Parkinson's, Leprosy, etc.), and, of course, the armless. And I have a question: Wouldn't the need to turn the pages and then put the pages back into the holder-thingie sort of negate the purpose of this thing? I'm just sayin'...

Gift Idea #8: Lord, I wish I had some clever, smart-ass segue to give you to introduce the "Backyard Yeti": But alas, all I can say is that the very existence of this "lifelike cast resin" version of Sasquatch is far more unbelievable than the creature spoken of in the legendary Pacific Northwest sightings.

Gift Idea #9: And last but certainly not least (unless you're a terrorist): The "I'm proud to be an Ah-murh-kin, where at least I know I'm free...!" Eagle Wall Art!I'm not sure, but I think this comes from the "Toby Keith SERIOUSLY Rules" home patriot decor collection.

Listen, freaks: If you're truly interested in any of these fine products*, you can spend** your money at skymall.com.

Happy shopping, friends!

*utter shit


JadedTLC said...

I love the aqua table - where did you say i could get one ? or ask santa to bring me one! :D

Badger said...

Holy shit, dude. I thought the headless lamp was going to give me nightmares, but then I kept reading. Yeah, I will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN, pretty much.

Keetha said...

I was worried about getting all holiday shopping done in time but you've solved all my problems!

Holy crap. I thought maybe you had photoshopped some (all) of those.

La Turista said...

Yo - I was at that scary Target yesterday, too! And we got the hell out of there after this weird homeless dude kept following us around with his smelly basket of shit. Never again.

SUS said...

I must say that I love Toy Joy, but it's impossible to bring my child in there with the small aisles and all the people and tempting stuff. Toy Joy is no place for a child! :)

Oprah has some cool gift ideas too:

hotpinksox said...

I bought 3 Slankets this year. No joke. One is for my 11 year old cousin who wanted adult footie pajamas. Another is for my sister's boyfriend as a joke but I know he'll love it.

Karla said...

I like the aqua table...they have them here too. Sometimes they set them up in the mall with chairs around them and all the kids go NUTS.

And dude? You nearly got the iPod charger/speakers/toilet paper holder they had for Christmas last year, so don't you be all dissin' the Sky Mall.


Mrs. Fantasy said...

What? No link to the adult footie PJs? W was wearing his robot ones last Monday when I had some peeps over to celebrate a new season of Tony Bourdainland and everyone remarked that they wanted some. Wonder if they have rubber skid protectors? Those suck when you have a tempting long hallway to bust your ass on.

Karla May said...

Keetha--I don't know photoshop. Those were all real. Unfortunately.

La T.--There was a dude walking around with a basket of feces? Gross!

SUS--That Oprah article on The Hater? Brilliant. I love the damn Hater.

HotPink--I really don't know what to say...you actually purchased Slankets. Not one, but several. Wow. I mean, wow.

Karla--That may seriously be the stupidest most awesome invention ever. Thanks for sharing!

GoingLoopy said...

While my power was out this week, I seriously would have loved me some footie pajamas. I am not EVEN kidding. Or a slanket. Or both.

The lamps, however, are creepy as all shit, and I'd have to agree about the book holder thing.

The Strong One said...

If you go to perpetualkid.com you can order a wallet that looks like it was made of bacon. for real. i bought one.

mama herbivore said...

josh totally wants the slanket.
quote, "that's awesome!"
but we do live in portland.....