Long story short, I went with Jaye to a doctor's appointment, and as we were sitting there waiting (forever) for her doctor to come into the examination room, I discovered this little gem in the stack of totally horrible selections:
Country motherfucking Weekly, ya'll.Wow.
Could Kenny Chesney look anymore like a smug prick than he does on this cover? God, I want to punch him in the pookah shells.
So THIS is what Bush supporters and NASCAR fans read. Interesting.
Okay, here are the two main things I came away with after exploring the scary pages of this publication:
1.) They've clearly got one Hell of an ad rep. I mean, how well does this publication know its audience?
"Friends are the Highlights of Life" Precious Moments figurines? Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! Why didn't I find this ad BEFORE Christmas. Fuck.
"A Salute to Hee-Haw" DVD set. Available exclusively at Wal*Mart. Um... I must admit, "Hee Haw" was a regular part of my weekend variety show line-up when I was a wee one. My dad thought Junior Samples was a hoot, dug the "Hee Haw Honeys," and used to declare (with clock-like regularity) that Buck Owens was one of the "ugliest men God ever created." But I also was fed a steady diet of "The Carol Burnet Show," "Flip Wilson," "Sonny and Cher," "Tony Orlando and Dawn," etc. So it was sort of balanced out. But to OWN this? On DVD? So that you can relive the magic over and over and over and BR-549, and over, and over? I think not.
OMG. TFK has a MF movie, ya'll. WTF?!
Ooh! Ooh! Lookie! Checks with "my kind of style!" Finally! Hmm... Choices, choices. Should I get the "Ford Tough" checks or the "Tim McGraw" checks or the "Stars and Stripes" or "Hershey's Best (Collector's Edition)?" Gosh! I just don't know!! Which one of these says I'm not a tasteless, white trash brain donor? None of them? Shoot. Well then I guess I'll go with my old stand-by, the "Affirmations" design that helps me through the day with its positive messages of faith.
Be thankful that this image is blurry, because the clear reality of this item might cause you to go blind with pure tackiness. Yes friends, "Red Hot Betty is a Red Hat Lady!" And she's teaching fellow "Red Hatters" how to put a little "boop-oop-di-doop" into their stride, even if their stride involves a three-pronged cane or walker. She can be yours for only (I shit you not) $117!! Yep, this is how I want MY grandma spending her fixed income.
"Lovers United by Destiny and Doomed by American Genocide of Their People." How utterly romantic.
Weight loss ad for Medifast.
Weight loss ad for Thinstant.
Weight loss ad for NutriSystem.No comment.
2) If this guy is representative of a "rising country star," I'm pretty sure that it would be okay to burn Nashville to the ground.
Folks, I'd like to introduce you to Trent "Really. I've got hair under this ever-present doo-rag, just like Brett Michaels and Leif Garrett. I swear!" Tomlinson. Not only was he listed as #8 in the "Country's Hottest Bachelors" section (because he's wasted no time finding his way onto "Country Weekly's" list of "the hubba-hubba hottest"), there's also an in-depth article about this fuckchop tht features photos of him pensively strolling through a graveyard (with his doo-rag on, dontcha know) during the video shoot for his latest single, "One Wing in the Fire," which is apparently a major departure from his rockin' first release, "Drunker Than Me" off of his album Country is my Rock. I think I'm getting nauseous from the overwhelming smell of shit.
Okay, so yeah. There you have it. A glimpse into what happening in commercial country music, brought to us by the brilliant folks over at "Country Weekly" magazine (with help from their advertisers, of course).
Man, am I ever poised for some nightmares tonight.
7 comments:
But Karla May, you done stole that there magazine from the doctors office, dincha? Now that's kinda sad in itself...
But Donisia, it was a September issue, and when I was at the doctor's office, it was late January. So I figure that the doctor hates his patients because why else would he stock his examination waiting room with shite this old? I was just looking out for the patients really...
Precious Moments and doo-ragged good ole boys. Holy shit. No wonder the Bushies were able to (almost) win the White House twice --
Now, is that the same Hee Haw DVD set they sell on late night TV? Because THAT set looks good. Like, I might have written down the website somewhere to order it. Really.
No, no, no, La T. That's the Time-Life series you're referring to, and I agree, it's looks amazing. More Nudie suits and piled up hair than you can shake a stick at. This, I'm afraid, is like the knock off, craptacular bullshiz that Time-Life rejected. It's the kind of DVD that would show up in the endcap near the check out at the Dollar Store. Or Wal*Mart. Equally klassy.
http://thomashawk.com/hello/209/1017/1024/Johnny%20Cash%20Finger.jpg
Hole-E-shit! I just laughed my ass right out the front door of the office after reading that. I was afraid I was gonna get fired for very obviously not doing work. Thanks for the ab work out, Karla May.
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