Meaningful Meetings

I've stayed in touch with the woman named Pam who performed the home study before and after I adopted The Geej. She also decided to adopt as a single mother, and her daughter, Kara, comes from the same region of Russia as Gracelyn. I've kept up with them--seen pictures and watched Kara grow--thanks to email and Facebook, but today, we finally got to have the girls meet each other in person.

It was very cool to talk with someone who knows EXACTLY what the Russian adoption process was like. I am so glad this happened--for all of us. And these two little ladies are so very, very loved my their mamas.

This big ol' tiny world.

I recently joined Twitter. I know, right? What's an old goat like me doing on Twitter? I'm not really sure, but I have enjoyed it so far. Most of the people I follow are either comedians or friends. Or both. I'm not sure how or why, but I started following this very popular and prolific blogger/Twitter gal (I'm guessing b/c her name is @mommywantsvodka, which TOTALLY describes me). And she started this blog where I read this post--on which I commented. My comment led the woman who wrote the blog to MY blog, where SHE commented. And her comment led me to this post that she wrote.

And oh my God. The pure emotion that swept over me when I read it--the intense memories I have that match so closely to hers--it just made me weep. The realization that The Geej and I have come so far from that place where we'd just met--this tiny, expressionless baby and me, the terrified adoptive mother--was overwhelming. But I also hit me just how deeply connected we will both always be to our beginnings together.

Sometimes I feel like I'm alone in my experience, but then, through something as silly as Twitter, I connect with someone who makes me feel anything but alone.

It's crazy wonderful.

Feellikeeverythingisspeedingbyme

OMG. So busy. Can't really blog. But must.

Good news: My full body scan came back yesterday with the ALL FREAKIN' CLEAR!! And to add to that seriously awesome news, I got to start taking my thyroid replacement hormone. I'm already feeling a bump in my energy after only two doses. No afternoon SUPER DRAG today (for the first time in weeks)!

Which is good timing because let me break down the next couple of days for you:

• Tomorrow morning, fly to Birmingham, AL (via Dallas) at 7:40 in the damn morning. For work. Go to/work at event tomorrow evening in the B'ham store.
• Leave B'ham at 9:55 am on Saturday, and return to Austin (via Nashville).
• Land. Then IMMEDIATELY head to Llano county to attend a 40th b-day soiree of one of my favorite people (my NYC-based friend Tom) at one of my favorite places ("Casa Avocado"--my friends Lin and Ollie's ranch).
• Sunday. Do all of that get-ready-for-the-week stuff I always have to do on Sundays. Laundry. Grocery shopping. Etc.
• Monday. Back to work where an already-packed calendar awaits me.

So yes, this is the first time I've gotten to travel for work in nearly 2 years (due to travel/budget restrictions), and it just happens to fall on a weekend when a friend I never get to see is visiting town. Awesome.

The other thing that has me all wound up? This whole Russia-shutting-down-all-U.S.-adoptions-in-reaction-to-one-crazy-lady's-horrible-decision thing. The emotional toll that this HORRIBLY reactionary decision is having on untold people in the adoption pipeline is simply unfathomable to me. Imagine being there on Trip 2, preparing for your court date, excited about finally getting to take your child home and complete your family, giving him/her the love/attention that they so much need and deserve, only to be told that you have to leave without them...leave them behind in that godforsaken orphanage...without knowing if/when you'll ever see them again.

It's like a kick to the gut.

I have lots of stuff to blog about.

No really. I do. But I'll let the photos do (most) of the talking.

Like how this past Saturday was the 3rd anniversary of the Geej's "gotcha" day (the day her adoption became official), and that means that we're offically done with the 3 years' worth of post-placement reports that have to be filed with the Russian government. Yay!! We celebrated by going to a movie (her first!) and then eating at the food court in the mall where the movie theater was (again, a first). She hadn't been to the mall since she was about 10 mos. old, and it was sort of baffling to her. She kept asking me, "What IS this place?"

And like how if you agree to play "animal doctor" with The Geej, you'd better clear your calendar for the afternoon because you're going to have a waiting room full of sick creatures needing healing.

And about how she calls confetti "fiesta," corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cop," lip balm "lip chap" and convertibles "vertical cars."

And about how last Saturday evening, BH and I were lucky enough to attend my friend Laura's fabulous 40th birthday soiree cruising up and down Lake Austin.

The weather was perfection.

The company was grand.

The food and drinks were delicious.

And our vessel was named the "Miss High Life."

It just doesn't get much better.

Oh wait, yes it does. Because when you move the party essentials (i.e. vodka and cupcakes)

back to the host's house and play Rock Band

while also loving on their enormous dog, that pretty much ensures you've had the perfect evening.

And that was just SATURDAY.

Sunday, the Geej and I attended Mags's youngest's 4th birthday princess extravaganza, and the Geej deepened her love affair with fancy dresses, and body glitter.

This week's a busy one as I try and cram 5 day's worth of work into 4, because BH and I are taking off on a mini-vacation to the beach this weekend. And lord, do I need it.

More soon...

Freaking me out.

Last night I sent a "The Geej is 3" e-mail to 3 families who I met during the adoption process. One family from North Carolina adopted 2 boys from Vladivostok, one family from Houston had their Vladivostok adoption fall through then adopted domestically (and are about to adopt a daughter from China), and one family (also from Houston) had adopted their daughter Kyra from the same orphanage that The Geej came from about 6 months ahead of us.

I attached a couple of recent photos of The Geej (including the one below) to my e-mail, and asked for an update from these families, and (hopefully) some photos.

I gasped when I opened up this photo of Kyra (remember: same orphanage as The Geej).

Holy CRAP, people. Can you believe the similarities?! No, they're not sisters (they're too close in age for that to be possible), but something's telling me they've GOT to be related somehow. It's just too strange that they look that much alike...right down to the incredible eyes.

Whoa.

"Sunny day, everything's A-OK..."

The Geej is at the Elmo stage. Which is fine. She only has one Elmo item, and it lives at her grandmother's house because it talks, and I don't likes no noisy toys. Anyway, I started TiFaux-ing Sesame Street every day a while back, and as part of our end-of-day wind down, I fast forward past most of the rest of the show to get to "Elmo's World," which is always in the last 20 or so minutes. She hasn't really shown much interest in the rest of the show until last week.

Last week's shows featured a running storyline of the street's Veterinarian, Gina, going off to Guatemala to adopt a 10 mo. old baby named Marco. Gina's single, like me, and all of Gina's friends on Sesame Street were super excited about this whole event. I'd be fast-forwarding past anything having to do with the baby in order to get us to "Elmo's World", and The Geej would protest, "I wanna watch this. I wanna see the baby!" So we did. And I've got to hand it to Sesame Street--they did a nice job of handling this. I found myself getting all weepy and shit during one of the segments. They also showed some videos throughout the week that featured "non-traditional" families--mixed race, same-sex parents, single parents, grandparents as parents, etc. I'm sure it's stuff like this that gets the right wingers out there all up in arms and has them wanting to yank CPB funding for this show. However, as someone who is in a non-traditional family by choice, I applaud them showing families of all stripes.

Then, as if that weren't enough, on Friday's "Elmo's World," Elmo was thinking about babies. It was all babies, all the time. I don't think The Geej will ever allow me to erase this episode.

Looking back, looking forward.

This time last year, I had just returned from my first trip to Russia where I'd met the baby girl who would, several months later, officially become my daughter.

I will never, ever forget the exact moment I laid eyes on her for the first time. I was tired and very, very nervous. It was snowing like crazy outside, and the orphanage was extremely overheated. I'd been waiting all day to get there, and our trip had been delayed due to some "business" that was going on at the orphanage. So, it was now early evening and already dark outside. My facilitator ushered me inside where we removed our coats and put plastic booties on over our snow boots in a feeble attempt to keep the floors clean. They put me in the sparsely furnished, very warm Director's office and told me to wait. The walls were covered with photos of babies and toddlers who'd been adopted from there. Adoption announcements. Christmas cards. Birthday announcements. I looked at all of them at least 50 times. My palms were sweaty. I was lightheaded. Minutes seemed like hours. I could hear Russian being spoken and lots of movement in the hall outside the door. I kept thinking that they were about to open the door, but no. More waiting.

Then suddenly, a nurse walked in--a large woman dressed in all white--and thrust a baby out in front of her. The translator said, "Here she is. This is your baby." I gasped. All of the air went out of the room. My heart, beating impossibly loudly, leapt into my throat. Tears flooded my eyes. And, in that instant, that micro-second, my heart was hers. I would never, ever be the same after looking into those amazing, AMAZING blue eyes. Her eyes brightened the moment she saw me, as if she could feel my excitement to be in her presence. I timidly asked, "Can I hold her?" To which the translator brusquely replied, "Of course! Take her!" I spent the next few hours just holding her, gazing at her, touching her face, hands, hair. Memorizing every thing about her.

That's the first photo I ever took of her. She didn't smile. I don't think she knew how. No one had ever smiled AT her, so why would she? She was pale and tiny. 4 1/2 months old exactly. Wearing pajamas with bees on them and the words, "Fly away with me..."

I was completely bowled over by the enormity of it all, and the quiet intimacy of it. I was all by myself in this unfriendly foreign country holding this precious, precious child. I know that I will never know what it feels like to gaze upon the face of a child you've just given birth to, but I can't imagine that it feels any less amazing than what I felt on that night in that room.

I will also never forget the enormous pain and emptiness that I felt when I had to leave her there and come back home, not knowing when I would be seeing her again. Everytime I thought of her (which was at least 500 times a day), I felt like I'd been punched in the gut and hit in the heart. It physically hurt to think about her there in that godawful place, wondering if anyone had picked her up that day, if anyone had held her, if she'd had enough to eat, if she was sick, etc. It was mental torture. And as the weeks turned into months, the helplessness and deep ache just became more profound. All the while, I was physically ill, dealing with the intense cramping and bleeding that preceded (and necessitated) my hysterectomy. It was fucking awful.
Last Christmas was not joyous. It was lonely and sad. My stepfather had just died, and my mom was depressed and alone. I didn't have enough time off at work to go home to be with my mom, so I spent Christmas eve with a work friend eating popcorn, getting wasted drinking wine and watching DVDs.
This Christmas will be SO different: My mom, The Geej and me, all together. Hanging out and enjoying each other.
Thank you, Universe.

Oh, where to begin...

This past week (and a few days) has been a doozie.

On Friday the 20th, I piled The Geej and all of her stuff into the wagon and took off for Longview at 5:20 in the morning. I was trying to take advantage of the fact that leaving at that hour would mean she'd sleep through most of the 270 mi. trip. I was a bit freaked b/c it was going to be our first official road trip together, and well, when you're doing it all alone, there are lots of things to consider. For instance: going to the bathroom. Should the need arise, what does one do? You can't leave her in the car. You can't take her to the bathroom and put her on the dirty floor. (No, I don't have one of those carrier doohickeys.) You can't pee with her on your lap (you can, actually, but the stuff you have to do AFTER peeing you can't do with her in one arm). So I stopped drinking water at 7pm the night before our trip, just to be sure...

She made the trip like a champ, with only 2 meltdowns--one minor, one major. And thankfully, the major one happened when we were only 20 miles from our destination.

Saturday the 21st, we attended a party in Geej's honor. A lot of my family, my mom's friends, a few of my friends from high school. It was lovely, and The Geej looked precious in her little white lacy dress with a blue grosgrain ribbon at the waist. She was tired, but tolerated being passed around to about a billion old big-haired east Texas ladies who wanted to eat her with a spoon. She got SO much stuff at that party that it took two cars to bring it home. Lordy.

Monday night, I got sick. I won't go into the gruesome details, but it lasted for a couple of days, culminating with 102.5 fever on Wednesday night. All I can say is thank God I was home so my mom could help with Geej. I was in lousy shape, and still don't feel quite right to be honest. I'm going to try to get in to see El Doctor tomorrow...

Thursday, Mom the Geej and I piled all of our crap back into the wagon, and headed to Houston. The baby had a 1pm appt. at the International Adoption Center at Texas Children's Hospital for her post-adoptive diagnostic exam. It's basically a very thorough appointment where they catch her up on any immunizations she needs, give her the once over, re-test her for all sorts of stuff (TB, HIV, etc.) and establish her medical records in the U.S. She'd had a pre-adoptive evaluation done there, so I wanted to close the loop. She did great. She's gained 2 lbs. since I've had her (she's up to a whopping 15.9 lbs.!), and the doctors thought--barring any weirdness showing up on her labs--that she's in tip top shape. I knew this, of course, but it's very reassuring to hear it from the professionals.

We spent the night in a hotel near the medical center (the same hotel where Mom spent so much time when Roy was in the hospital there last summer), then packed up and headed about 45 miles away to Seabrook. Checked into yet another hotel, and unloaded once again. It's amazing how much stuff you have to travel with when a baby's in tow. I kept calling her The Diva, because it was like we were her roadies, constantly unloading all the stuff that she needed. My cousin was graduating from high school with loads of honors, so Mom and I wanted to make an appearance. Since the ceremony didn't start until 8pm and was in a hot stadium, Geej and I went back to the hotel, but Mom attended and I know my cousin and uncle were happy she was there.

Next day, we loaded up again, and hit the road for Austin (Mom was catching a ride back to L-view with my Aunt). But wait! We stopped on our way out of Houston to have lunch and visit with a couple who I'd met through the adoption agency. The woman's name is Joanne and her husband is Alan. They adopted a little girl from the same orphanage that the Geej came from last October. The little girl is about 6 mos. older than Geej and looks so much like her, it's eerie. Aside from the olive complexion, and the fact that she's obviously bigger, Kyra IS The Geej. It was so weird...like looking into the future. Same hair, eyes, nose, mouth, petite frame. You name it, they're the same. These people live in an ENORMOUS McMansion--very nice. Kyra's room looks like something out of the Land of Nod catalogue.

Finally, we got on the road for home for real. Got home about 4:30 on Saturday afternoon. Whew. It was such a wild week--full of changes and firsts for Geej--and she handled everything like a pro. Just went with the flow. I'm very proud. Today is her 10 mo. birthday. She's sitting on the floor next to me playing as I type. She's such a monkey.

You'll be pleased to know that we've rounded the corner with Earl. I guess he's begrudingly decided to accept this strange creature who now shares his house and his mom with him. Sunday morning, I was giving the Geej her bottle, and he jumped up on the arm of the couch and just licked her right on the head. Then he got down on the couch and bunked her feet, purring madly. She, of course, was in heaven. He still runs from her when she "chases" him (which is freakin' hilarious, by the way), but I can't say I blame him. He still outweighs her by about a pound, but he's a big wuss.

Okay, back to trying to write the billion thank you cards I am now legally required to write after that dang party. And the hostesses even put "no gifts necessary" on the invitation... Sigh.

Where did this week go?

My God. I looked up, and all the sudden, it was Friday. Yikes. So much has happened this week, but I haven't really accomplished much. Here's what I mean: did I get the house cleaned and my packing lists made? No. Did I send off for our travel visas, get our airline tickets, go out drinking with friends, attend two birthday parties, have a date, and meet a fellow adoptive mother (with a beautiful daughter named Kyra who is from the same orphanage as my Geej)? Yes. What a blur. Hard to believe I'm finishing up my last full pre-motherhood week. I've got much to write about, but am tired and sort of dazed. More soon.

Russia in April...

Thank the Lord, I finally FINALLY found out my court date in Russia: April 5th. Which means we probably leave here on March 31st (since it takes 2 days to get there, with time changes, etc.). April 5th, I will get to lay eyes on that precious little creature and hold her once again. On April 5th, my mom will get to meet her only grandchild for the first time. I can hardly believe it.

When I got the news this morning, I just wept. It was the strangest, most overwhelming and indescribable feeling. It was just this big release and relief. After staring at the calendar for three months, wondering when...when...when..., I now know.

By the time we get there, The Geej will have just turned 8 months old. I have no idea how much she's going to have changed. But judging by my friends' babies who I've watched grow up, the 4 to 8 month period includes an unbelievable amount of change and development. Wow. She'll probably have a few teeth. And may be pulling up on stuff. And what about that crazy hair of hers? How long will it be? I am beside myself with excitement.

Of course now comes all of the preparation for the trip itself, but that's good. It will make the days fly by. Two weeks from today, I'll be on my way.

Open mouth. Insert entire leg.

So I've been perturbed at my adoption agency--specifically with my main contact, Jan--for some time now. During the three months (yes, it's been three months) since my trip to Russia, I've been expecting and needing regular communication with them. But it seems like I'm always the initiator. I've been having to place frequent calls and send e-mails to get info and learn of any new news. And I've also been relying on the Internet and the "Vladadopt" listserv in order to get any information at all about the new Russian adoption laws that have thrown everything into chaos and caused so many delays.

Well, the final straw came when two question-filled e-mails I recently sent to Jan were simply ignored and then when yesterday came and went without a word from them. You see, yesterday was the third Tuesday of the month, and it's been my understanding that court dates are issued on the first and third Tuesdays of the month only. (Don't ask me why...it's just another crazy rule I've encountered in this whole process.) My whole return trip to get The Geej is based on this long-awaited court date. I was fully expecting to hear yesterday that my court date had been set. However, there was no news which, in my mind, meant that I would have to wait another excruciating 3 weeks until the first Tuesday in April.

This morning I shot Jan a rather terse e-mail about how I thought that they were doing a very poor job of providing proactive communication about what's going on and of simply checking in on those of us who are in this messed-up "between trip" situation. (If there hadn't been this Russian legal hold up, I would've already gone and gotten my baby and been back for a couple of weeks by now. But instead, this waiting period has dragged on for 3 months.) I basically said that I was losing confidence in their agency based on how they've handled this situation. This was a big deal for me to do. Usually I am the "sit there and take it" type, but I just had to vent a little about this awful frustration I've experienced, exacerbated by the spotty communication on their end.

She called me back pretty quickly after I sent the message and told me--no shit--that she'd been traveling quite a bit over the past three weeks, dealing with the unexpected death of her mother who had burned to death after some of her clothes caught on fire.

Gulp. Um...what?

OH MY GOD!! I have never felt like such a cockroach.

Holding it together? Not so much.

It's Friday afternoon. Must be time for my weekly breakdown.

I wish I could aptly explain how helpless I feel about this whole adoption thing. Her room is ready. Her clothes are folded. But she is there, and I am here. It is agonizing. I cannot stop thinking about her. My heart aches in my chest. I'm not sleeping worth a damn. I can't focus at work. I pray so hard and so often it's become a compulsion. I'm a complete mess. And at least once a day, some well-meaning soul asks, "So...when are you going back to Russia?" Jesus. It's like a knife to the gut each time I have to say, "I have no idea."

I cry a little bit every day, but what I really need is a good soul-soaking cry. The kind that doubles you over and gives you a massive headache. The kind of cry that exhausts you and makes your eyes look like you've gone 15 rounds with Tyson. But I can't. Because to do so would be to somehow admit how hopeless I feel. I know there's an end in sight to this emotional torture, but I simply cannot see it from where I sit.

And the worst of it is that I am feeling further and further away from Geej. With each day that passes, it's harder to remember what it felt like to hold her little body while she slept in my arms. And each day, she's growing and changing, and I'm missing it.

I read a story in last weekend's paper about a 6 month old baby girl admitted to Texas Children's Hospital in Houston after her parents--aged 19 and 21--had beaten her nearly to death. Fractured skull. Fractured arms and legs. Internal injuries. Tongue nearly completely severed. Evidence of sexual abuse. Is there a punishment that exists that is harsh enough for these two people? And they have another, older child as well. These two sick fucks have been given the gift of being able to bear children, and this is what they do. Unfathomable. And somehow since I've learned of this poor little girl, it has made me ache even more for the baby girl I cannot hold because she's kept 6,500 miles away because of fucked up bureaucratic bullshit. Man, the world is messed up.

"Stay put. I'm comin' to get you. I've got a job to accomplish. I will float on my raft for you."
--from the song, Float by Matson Belle

Rainy days and mondays always get me down...

I feel like it's been cloudy for...well...weeks. It's very Pacific Northwest here lately, and I'm not loving it. It's adding to my already gloomy state of mind.

I've still heard nothing/zip/zilch out of Russia. I was told that my 2nd trip to go back and get my daughter would take place "between 6 and 8 weeks" after I got back from my first one. Well, it's been 7 weeks, and I know nothing. Meanwhile every day that passes means another day I've missed bonding with her, another day she's not getting a healthy diet, another day that she's not receiving the love and attention she deserves. It absolutely kills me to think about her there without me. I've been putting her room together, and getting ready for her arrival, but really, I've been taking my sweet time because it's going to be so damn hard to look at her nursery without her in it... I had no idea how hard this part of the process was going to be, but I am barely holding it together. I know that when it's all said and done every minute of this waiting bullshit will have been worth it, but right now, it just feels like some weird emotional torture.
Work has been busy and weird. I'm working on a bunch of projects that feel sort of out of control, and I don't like it.

I think Ellen has kitty Parkinson's or something like it. She's shaking a lot and has little tremors. Not seizures, exactly, but almost. It's upsetting.

I feel fatter and older and uglier than I have in years. I just want to hide under a rock.

Other than that, everything's peachy.

Hopefully my next post won't be so dismal...

Another year older and deeper in debt.

Where does that quote come from? I can't recall. It must be because I'm THIRTY FUCKING SIX years old. Officially. As of midnight. Yes, it's true: On this day in 1969, my mom and dad welcomed me, their only child, into this world--all 6 lbs., 9 oz. of me. And the aquarian was set on her path, in the proverbial "Age of Aquarius," as it were. Lucky enough to grow up in a time and place where kids could be kids for a while. When you could ride around on your bike for 8 hours a day, unsupervised and safe, without cellphones or "amber alerts." God that seems like a bazillion years ago.

Happy Birthday to me. Blah blah blah...

So let's check in, shall we?

Lots has been going on since my last post.

Had baby shower #1, hosted by my girlfriends. It kicked total ass. And not only because I totally BANKED on gifts for Miss Geej, but because I felt like everyone who was there really wanted to be there. That meant a lot to me. You know, baby showers can...well..suck. So, a lot of people (including me, usually) approach them with a sense of "let's get this over with as quickly as possible." But my shower was fun. Hey, how often can the expectant mother throw a few back with the guests without risking the health with the baby? At this shower, much wine was drunk, many hugs were exchanged, and lots of gifts were given. It was really cool. My mom was here for baby shower #1 and stayed until baby shower #2, which was a few nights later, and was thrown by my work friends. A smaller turnout, and an overall tamer event, but shower #2 was also really cool. And yes, I got tons of stuff for little sugar pants. So my new challenge is organizing and rearranging in order to make the guest room into a guest room/nursery. Quite a challenge since the house I'm living in was built during an era that didn't appreciate the term "ample storage space." But I'm making progress...slowly. At least it no longer looks like a Babies-R-Us blew up in my living room.

And the "thank you" cards: I'm making progress with those too. I've written 20. I've only got about 30 to go.

Work has cranked back up, full speed. After something of a lull during the holidays, it is crazy-go-nuts time at work, once again. We've hired a new person onto our team, so we'll be bringing her up-to-speed over the next few weeks. And there's just the usual general chaos.

I had car trouble this week: My car was in the shop for 3 days, and I kept having to bum rides off of people. I would rather have a toe removed than deal with car trouble. It's just such a pain in the ass. The reason I took my car in was because my "check engine" light had been going on and off for the past couple of weeks. But while the car was there, I asked them about replacing one of my reverse taillights, which had recently burned out. $47 DOLLARS!!!! That's' what those bastards wanted to charge me...to CHANGE A LIGHT BULB. Can you believe that? Of course, I told them no. And I actually asked the guy on the phone giving me the $47 quote if he got embarrassed having to call people and tell them that the business he works for charges this ridiculous amount. He said, "I just read the quotes, ma'am." Ugh. I guess my job isn't that bad.

My mom got sick while she was here. Some kind of allergies/chest/head cold sort of thing. She was hating it. And Thursday, when she woke up, she had 101-degree fever. And it was raining outside. And it was her birthday. Sucks, no? I begged her to stay here and let me take care of her rather than driving home in the rain with a clogged up head, but she left anyway. Hardheaded...

And then I got whatever she had. Yay!! Yesterday, I felt like hell. Coughing. Banging headache. Sneezing. Watery eyes. Achy. Clogged up ears. General misery. I'm coming out of it, but still...what a crummy way to spend your birthday.

So I'm going to sign off...my first post as a 36 year old. Yikes. I don't know how I'm going to get used to the idea of being in my "late thirties." God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

One week down...

It's been a week since I got back to Austin from Russia. Just one week. It feels like so much longer than that.

I look at my baby's pictures every day. I've watched the video I made of her--20 minutes of watching her and listening to me saying, "Who's the pretty baby...hello sweet girl...hi..."--at least 10 times. I pray for her every night. I pray that someone is looking after her, caring for her, that she's staying healthy and strong and that, on some level, she knows that I'm coming back. One week has gone by which means I'm one week closer to going back to get her. I don't know how I'm going to handle at least five more weeks away from her. This separation and waiting part just sucks.

Christmas has, thankfully, come and gone. I've never been a huge fan of Christmas. It was never a big deal in my family because a) I was on only child so there wasn't a whole lot of hoopla going on and b) since my parents divorced when I was seven, Christmas always seemed to mean trying to figure out which parent I was supposed to be with and who was going to shuttle me where and at what time. Then, a couple of years ago, my father died right before Christmas. And this Christmas was the first without my stepfather. Plus, I'm nearly 6,000 miles away from my sweet baby. So Christmas. Not really very crazy about it.

This year, I went over to my work friend Francesca's apartment for Christmas Eve. She's the only person I know whose kitchen is smaller than mine, but she managed to whoop up one hell of a feast: Dungeness crab with homemade curry aioli, asparagus, horseradish mashed potatoes, an enormous salad, and toast points with triple cream Brie and fig spread. All followed by a slice of Yule Log. Yum. Then we proceeded to drink a LOT of wine and champagne and watch three movies. I ended up crashing there due to my copious consumption of the grape, and waking up with a banging headache at 7:15 am Christmas Day. Went home. Took a shower, brushed the moss off my teeth, and got back into bed. Woke up some time later, and Francesca and I went to see Wes Anderson's latest, "Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" at the Alamo Drafthouse where we soothed our hangovers with mimosas and popcorn.

The only Christmas gift I asked for (and got) was from my Mother: a large silver locket that I put some of The Geej's hair in. (I snipped it off with some fingernail clippers and stashed it in a Ziploc while the orphanage staff weren't looking.) It is something I will treasure for the rest of my life.

As bleak as my Christmas sounds, it was really okay. The weather was beautiful. I didn't have to travel. I didn't spend a lot of money I don't have on gifts for people. But for the rest of you, I hope your holiday was filled with family, great gifts and trouble-free travel. Next year, Christmas is going to rock because my daughter will be here, and it will be all about her.

God bless.

Coming at you, through the fog.

That's what I feel like--surrounded by fog. The jet lag really hit today. I am struggling to stay awake until at least 10:30pm in hopes that I'll sleep like a rock (which I did NOT last night). There's so much to write. I have so much to put down about my time in Vladivostok, about meeting my baby girl, about giving her her name, about the people, the snow, and about the totally fucked up phenomenon that is Russian television. Oh, there is much to tell my friends. And as I have no plans for Christmas--zero, zilch, nada--I am hoping to emerge from my haze and spend a lot of time in the coming days writing. So check back soon, and you'll learn a lot about why you might want to mark Vladivostok in December off your list of potential vacation spots.