Monday, February 07, 2005

Rainy days and mondays always get me down...

I feel like it's been cloudy for...well...weeks. It's very Pacific Northwest here lately, and I'm not loving it. It's adding to my already gloomy state of mind.

I've still heard nothing/zip/zilch out of Russia. I was told that my 2nd trip to go back and get my daughter would take place "between 6 and 8 weeks" after I got back from my first one. Well, it's been 7 weeks, and I know nothing. Meanwhile every day that passes means another day I've missed bonding with her, another day she's not getting a healthy diet, another day that she's not receiving the love and attention she deserves. It absolutely kills me to think about her there without me. I've been putting her room together, and getting ready for her arrival, but really, I've been taking my sweet time because it's going to be so damn hard to look at her nursery without her in it... I had no idea how hard this part of the process was going to be, but I am barely holding it together. I know that when it's all said and done every minute of this waiting bullshit will have been worth it, but right now, it just feels like some weird emotional torture.
Work has been busy and weird. I'm working on a bunch of projects that feel sort of out of control, and I don't like it.

I think Ellen has kitty Parkinson's or something like it. She's shaking a lot and has little tremors. Not seizures, exactly, but almost. It's upsetting.

I feel fatter and older and uglier than I have in years. I just want to hide under a rock.

Other than that, everything's peachy.

Hopefully my next post won't be so dismal...

1 comment:

Karla said...

Hey Mar mar,

You are fabulous and beautiful and not fat or old or ugly. I know it sucks waiting for Gracelyn, but that's just what you have to do right now. You will get her, soon, and you will be able to lavish all that love on her that you are saving up right now. Motherhood boot camp, motherhood boot camp. Just keep your chin up and think of all the love you can give her when you get her. She won't remember these times, being in the orphanage, so you can make what she does remember perfect and filled with love.