I have no idea why...

...but this made me gasp with sadness. She was only 5 years older than me. And so very, very talented.

Rainy days and mondays always get me down...

I feel like it's been cloudy for...well...weeks. It's very Pacific Northwest here lately, and I'm not loving it. It's adding to my already gloomy state of mind.

I've still heard nothing/zip/zilch out of Russia. I was told that my 2nd trip to go back and get my daughter would take place "between 6 and 8 weeks" after I got back from my first one. Well, it's been 7 weeks, and I know nothing. Meanwhile every day that passes means another day I've missed bonding with her, another day she's not getting a healthy diet, another day that she's not receiving the love and attention she deserves. It absolutely kills me to think about her there without me. I've been putting her room together, and getting ready for her arrival, but really, I've been taking my sweet time because it's going to be so damn hard to look at her nursery without her in it... I had no idea how hard this part of the process was going to be, but I am barely holding it together. I know that when it's all said and done every minute of this waiting bullshit will have been worth it, but right now, it just feels like some weird emotional torture.
Work has been busy and weird. I'm working on a bunch of projects that feel sort of out of control, and I don't like it.

I think Ellen has kitty Parkinson's or something like it. She's shaking a lot and has little tremors. Not seizures, exactly, but almost. It's upsetting.

I feel fatter and older and uglier than I have in years. I just want to hide under a rock.

Other than that, everything's peachy.

Hopefully my next post won't be so dismal...

Busy at work = Blog Neglect

So yeah. I've been a bit remiss at posting regularly on ye olde blog. It's just been a wacky couple of weeks. I've gotten really busy at work again (after a bit of a lag, during which I blogged on the clock), and then I've been up to my arse in errands and socializing after work, so the blog gets neglected. Sorry. Here's the latest haps:

• Still haven't heard anything about my Russian court date. The laws regarding international adoption were changed the week after Christmas (thanks, Putin!), and it remains to be seen how these new regulations may (or may not) affect those of us who are "already in the pipeline" so to speak. It's driving me insane not knowing. But one thing that COULD happen (and I'm praying to God it doesn't) is that it could delay everything an additional 90 days. Three months. I think, no wait, I KNOW I'll freak out if that happens.
• I've visited and gotten on the waiting list at 3 day cares. Since I don't know when I'll be going back to get the Geej, I have no idea really when she'll need to start daycare (roughly six or eight weeks after we get back from Russia...whenever that is). At any rate, I'm trying as best I can to get prepared. All three I visited were nice, but I liked the one at St. Luke's in Clarksville best. Not sure why, but I just liked the vibe. The sad thing is that when I go to these day cares, I almost always have to sit in my car and have a little bit of a cry afterward because being around all those adorable babies makes me miss MY baby so much it literally hurts. It's been a little over a month since I held that precious baby, and my heart just aches for her.
• I moved into a new office building, along with the rest of my team. It's different. Very corporate. Lots of "cube farms." I am in a cube for the first time in years, and it's taking some getting used to. But all in all it's fine. We do have a kick ass view from my floor (the 6th). It'll be a great place to watch the 4th of July fireworks over Town Lake.
• I've started rearranging the guest room to make room for The Geej--her crib, her clothes, etc. It's going to be a challenge, but I think I'll be able to fit everything she needs into the space. I just need to get creative with my storage situation. My WONDERFUL girl friends have already given me so many gently used baby clothes. It's really nuts. So many cute outfits, and all the basics to boot. I can't wait to dress her up in some of this stuff. She's going to be such a little cherub.
• Remember Mr. Mumbly that I wrote about in a previous post? Well, he's still hanging in there. But not in an "I'm a freaky stalker" way. He's really just a nice guy and he's said he's "in awe" of what I'm doing with the whole adoption thing. And he flat out said, "Just so you know, the idea of dating a single mom doesn't scare me." (Wow. Single mom. I can't believe that's what I'm about to be.) So who knows...
• I'm being given a baby shower tomorrow and then another one on Wednesday. Normally, I think baby showers are pretty awful. But I think mine's going to be fun--a bunch of my wine drinking friends and me. And since I'm not pregnant, I get to drink wine too! Yay wine!
• I'm sort of addicted to "Celebrity Fit Club" on VH-1. I know, I know...reality t.v. is so played and stupid. But there's something fascinating about watching Biz Markie and The Snapple Lady try to shed the pounds. And then they've got this big giant scales that they get in as a team at the end of each episode. So cheesy it's brilliant.
• It feels like spring outside. It's 72 degrees as I write this. Very bizarre for late January.

That's pretty much it. I'll try and be a more regular poster. But let's face it: sometimes a) life's pretty boring and there's not much to write about or b) life gets busy and you don't have time to write about it.

One week down...

It's been a week since I got back to Austin from Russia. Just one week. It feels like so much longer than that.

I look at my baby's pictures every day. I've watched the video I made of her--20 minutes of watching her and listening to me saying, "Who's the pretty baby...hello sweet girl...hi..."--at least 10 times. I pray for her every night. I pray that someone is looking after her, caring for her, that she's staying healthy and strong and that, on some level, she knows that I'm coming back. One week has gone by which means I'm one week closer to going back to get her. I don't know how I'm going to handle at least five more weeks away from her. This separation and waiting part just sucks.

Christmas has, thankfully, come and gone. I've never been a huge fan of Christmas. It was never a big deal in my family because a) I was on only child so there wasn't a whole lot of hoopla going on and b) since my parents divorced when I was seven, Christmas always seemed to mean trying to figure out which parent I was supposed to be with and who was going to shuttle me where and at what time. Then, a couple of years ago, my father died right before Christmas. And this Christmas was the first without my stepfather. Plus, I'm nearly 6,000 miles away from my sweet baby. So Christmas. Not really very crazy about it.

This year, I went over to my work friend Francesca's apartment for Christmas Eve. She's the only person I know whose kitchen is smaller than mine, but she managed to whoop up one hell of a feast: Dungeness crab with homemade curry aioli, asparagus, horseradish mashed potatoes, an enormous salad, and toast points with triple cream Brie and fig spread. All followed by a slice of Yule Log. Yum. Then we proceeded to drink a LOT of wine and champagne and watch three movies. I ended up crashing there due to my copious consumption of the grape, and waking up with a banging headache at 7:15 am Christmas Day. Went home. Took a shower, brushed the moss off my teeth, and got back into bed. Woke up some time later, and Francesca and I went to see Wes Anderson's latest, "Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" at the Alamo Drafthouse where we soothed our hangovers with mimosas and popcorn.

The only Christmas gift I asked for (and got) was from my Mother: a large silver locket that I put some of The Geej's hair in. (I snipped it off with some fingernail clippers and stashed it in a Ziploc while the orphanage staff weren't looking.) It is something I will treasure for the rest of my life.

As bleak as my Christmas sounds, it was really okay. The weather was beautiful. I didn't have to travel. I didn't spend a lot of money I don't have on gifts for people. But for the rest of you, I hope your holiday was filled with family, great gifts and trouble-free travel. Next year, Christmas is going to rock because my daughter will be here, and it will be all about her.

God bless.