- Mosquito bites on my toes/upper feet and/or hands/fingers. Why is it that mosquito bites in these two places itch waaaaaaaaaay the fuck more than they do anywhere else on your body?
- Picky eaters. It's one thing if you've got allergies, or if there's one or two random things you won't eat because you had a bad experience with them ("Yeah, the last time I ate coconut cream pie, I barfed for three days!"), and it's another to not eat things because of religious or philosophical reasons, but to shun entire categories of food because you think they're yucky? Grow the fuck up.
- People who don't know the difference between the plural "s" and the apostrophe "s." As in: "He sure did eat a lot of cupcake's." ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGH!!
- People who cannot speak without using the word "like" ever 5 seconds. Like what would you like do if I put like electroshock tazers on like your nipples or nads and like shocked you like every single time you like said like?
- Peter Overbee's voice. He's a reporter on NPR, and I swear the guy puts 5 starlight mints in his mouth right before he records his reports. Seriously, his voice makes me physically ill.
- pharmaceutical marketing. There is a difference between marketing your product and educating people (i.e., doctors) about it. When I sit down to watch the evening news and literally every other commercial says, "Ask your doctor if Gleemonex is right for you. Possible side effects include long-term catatonic state, lazy eye, genital bursting, persistent spontaneous urination, narcolepsy, and loose teeth," I can't help but wonder if this marketing bombardment has a little something to do with the fact that a 30-day supply of the Arimidex that I have to take every day for the rest of my life (due to my recent cancer situation) cost $214 motherfucking dollars. Hmmm...
- My surgery scar. I know every woman who has had a Cesarean section can relate. That big ol' ugly ass scar that divides your gut from your hoo-hah area is just f-ugly. It's like a badly sewn on zipper, and has created a...let's call it a "rift"...between the upper and lower parts of my abdomen. Granted, I wasn't sporting a six pack prior to my hysterectomy, but still. The profile view of my body gives me the willies now. It's just very altered and very foreign looking to me.
- How easy it is to buy music on iTunes. THIS is going to put me in the god dang poor house. Scary, scary stuff. It's like a heroin addict with online access to a fix. Good shit and bad. For instance, I just downloaded "Hard Out Here for a Pimp" (from Hustle and Flow), "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas, a Verve remix album, and Secret Machines. Boom, Pow. That's like $30+ I just dropped with the click of the mouse. Sweet, sweet music.
- Car trouble. I hate to feel helpless, and nothing will knock you in to "But I'm just a GIRL" mode like car trouble. Not only is it a monumental inconvenience and expensive as hell, you get to feel like a stupid sucker the entire time.
- People who give "play by play" narration during a movie. Look asshole. I paid good money to be in this theater and see this flippin' movie. I've already gotten raped at the snack bar by having to spent $8.50 for a small coke and small popcorn, had to sit through 25 goddamned minutes of trailers and commercials, and now I have to listen to your country ass behind me explaining to your apparently hearing-impaired friend that "No...that's the other guy...remember when they was in the store earlier? That's the guy who was asking about the chainsaw...I think he's the one who done it! Oh wait, I need to answer this phone call. It's my meth dealer." SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU RETARD!! I don't know why they don't have bouncers at movie theaters. These people deserve to be physically tossed out to the curb.
- Feeling old. I must be a glutton for punishment in this arena b/c I've been watching both "The Real World --Austin" and "The 70s House" on MTV this summer, and it makes me want to finalize my will. I mean, I MUST be ready for the glue factory because I simply can NOT relate to these kids.
- Being poor. Since I was away from work for four months on unpaid leave, I have not received a paycheck since early April. I've been having to dip into my savings (what was one day going to be a downpayment for a house) to live and pay medical bills and buy $214/month prescriptions and pay for car repairs and eat and buy diapers and $20/can formula and pay for daycare. And now that I've gone back to work, I don't get a paycheck for 2 weeks, and it will have a bunch of lapsed deductions taken out of it...for 401(k) and insurance premiums and health-care reimbursement account and the like. So it's not going to be anywhere close to what a "real" paycheck would be. That won't come along until September. Meanwhile, I don't leave the house much (hence all the iTunes downloading).
- Having a peanut-sized bladder. I've always been that buzz-kill friend that you don't want to take on a road trip because they have to stop and pee every 100 miles. It sucks. I hate having to get up one or two times a night to pee, even if I haven't had a drop of liquid since 7pm.
Okay I think that's plenty for now. Whew. I feel better. I needed a good vent. Now I'm going to go fold laundry and get ready for bed. Did I mention that I hate feeling old?
2 comments:
Dude! I, like, totally agree with all of this! ;)
Um, I have to cop to one of these.
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