"No bird! Go way! Bye bye!" [Repeat 1,000 times]

So mom and I took the Geej to her maiden outing to Red Robin tonight. Not sure why, but this bastard FREAKED the Geej completely out. She saw him coming from across the restaurant and immediately looked at me with a look that said, "Mommy?! What the HELL IS THAT THING?!!" As he came ever closer, she started with the "No bird. No bird. No bird," mantra that expanded quickly into the emphatic directive that is the title of this entry. Yes she enjoyed her grilled cheese and tomatoes from my salad and bites of beans from my mom's taco salad, but the entire time she was chowing down, the refrain of "No bird! Go way! Bye Bye! No bird!..." just went on and on and on.

I guess Disney's out of the question for...like...ever.

In praise of friends whose parents have lakehouses.

Had a nice time on Saturday afternoon/evening as The Geej and I were invited out to a friend's parents' lakehouse right on Lake LBJ. The great thing about lake culture--like beach culture--is that people tend to go full tilt. Take these mailboxes for instance. They say "lakehouse" in a very serious way.

There were lots of kiddos there--from age (almost) 9 to age 1 1/2. The girls outnumbered the boys. The Geej got some quality time with Malcontent Mama's little Casanova, Anderson. And I'm not sure why, but our parties that involve the kids usually end up with a massive breakdancing session. This was Saturday:
And this was at Malcontent Mama's birthday bash back in March. Hmm... Maybe SHE'S the reason behind all this breakdancing. But I digress. We had lots and lots of fun. The Geej thoroughly enjoyed her time at the "big wah-doh" although the ideas of getting on a boat or actually in to the wah-doh are still a little much for her. I predict by the end of the summer, she'll be all over it.

BTW--The standoff with my mom has come to an end. We were able to talk through things, and I got the apology I needed (and deserved) on Saturday afternoon. I'm glad because the whole thing was getting really, really old.

If you'd driven through my neighborhood early yesterday afternoon, you would've seen this:

And this:

















Yeah. I know...

Best boyfriend ever.

Yesterday I was in the midst of dealing with all of this stupid mom crap, when I received a very carefully wrapped package in the mail from Mr. Wonderful. After wrestling with it and trying to get it open for a while, I finally saw what was inside.

Check it:

See the poodle painting on the right, matted with the blue background? THAT'S what he sent me. See the poodles-made-with-gravel pictures on the left? Those I bought at a vintage store in Chicago for $5, which started my weird poodle collecting. Over the past few years, I've acquired a vintage poodle lamp, a poodle picture frame, and several lovely figurines. When it came time to move into my house and I knew that The Geej was going to have her own bathroom, I wanted to decorate it so that it was fun, but not too kiddy (since it's also the guest bathroom). So I decided to move all the poodles into the bathroom (except for the lamp...that's still in Geej's room). When Mr. Wonderful visited in April, I commented on how that spot (where the blue/black poodle is now hanging) was "missing something," and that I was on the lookout for something to go there. Then this arrives in the mail. It's so perfect, it's not even funny. Kind of like Mr. Wonderful himself.

Other new acquisitions? Two more damn baby dolls. While I was in Colorado, my mom purchased (and named) Britney (!) and Cindy. Britney can go in the bathtub with Geej, and Cindy wears a diaper (which is very exciting apparently). So now I have to contend with this:

How hilarious is that? She did this all by herself. She likes to surround herself with them so that they can all watch a little Teletubbie action before bed. Clearly Sally (the big one in her lap) is the favorite. Damn she's girly.

The Standoff Continues, Day 2

Well, my mom and I still aren't speaking. There have been a couple of terse e-mails back and forth, but the bottom line is, she still hasn't apologized for being out of line. So as of right now, she can pucker up and kiss it.

Yeah, I said it.

I'm too damn wiped to write. Sorry Internets. Must sleep.

Wha tha fuh?

Okay, I'm not sure what the hell was going on today, but shit was all fucked up. It started out normally enough, but as the day progressed, it just disintegrated.

Started feeling lousy yesterday afternoon. Felt lousy enough to do a quickie trip to the doctor today. She called in a prescription for me, and I had to go to the pharmacy not once, but twice to pick it up.

Went to get some prescription food for the Old Cat and flea medicine for the Young Cat at the vet's office and walked out $114 poorer.

Walked into a barrage of e-mails at work today that were about this apparently failed statistics tool we put up on our website, and now I'm going to have to deal with the IT nerds who are going to a) defend their work, even if it's wrong and it sucks and b) try and make me feel stupid and talk me out of making them do anything about it. Fucking IT fuckers...

Got summoned by the Executive VP who told me that this very big, first-time-ever, VERY important-to-my-team 2-day meeting with a bunch of company bigwigs that was supposed to occur next month had been cancelled. And my team, who have been pretty fucked over in the nearly 6 months since my nutjob boss left and they chose not to replace her, but rather to put me in an unofficial interim team leader mode--all of the responsibility, none of the pay or authority--was duly disappointed when I had to break the news to them.

Didn't have one single minute to work on a big writing thing I needed to do and get out to my team today. Hence, it didn't get done. And the big writing thing? It's for a meeting we're having with the Executive VP to discuss the item above on Friday . And tomorrow's Thursday.

Still feeling lousy all day long, but way too busy to even think about going home. And if I did get sick and had to go home, who would pick up The Geej? Feeling bad is not an option.

Call my mom on the way home to give her her daily ride home, stuck-in-traffic call from The Geej, and she says one of the most insulting things anyone's ever said to me. I tell her, "Do you have ANY idea how mad what you just said made me? I've got to go," and hung up.

I called her back just a short while ago, and she not only refused to apologize, but she also refused to even acknowledge what she said was out of line. I love my mom. You know I do. I've written about it many, many times on this blog. But this, my friends, is a doozie of a rift, and she will NOT see her grand-daughter until she sincerely apologizes to me. [And I'm serious too. She was supposed to come spend the night with me tomorrow night so she could get an early leg up on Memorial Day weekend traffic so she could drive to my cousin's graduation in Houston on Friday. And I told her, "If you can't apologize and admit that what you said to me was hurtful and careless, then I don't want to see you tomorrow." And she said, "Fine." I said, "Then have a nice trip," and hung up.] Extortion? Sure. But if you only knew what she said, you'd understand. (And no, I'm not going in to that here because I'm afraid the keyboard will burst into flames with all of my rage.)

All this stress about my mom? It's torn my stomach up, and I've been, shall we say "a little loose," for hours now.

Oh yeah, and The Geej wouldn't eat tonight and decided to pitch a royal fit at bedtime (which is unusual for her). I guess she can sense the stress in me, and it's setting her off.

So I ask again: Wha tha fuh?

Things I did on my weekend vacation.

As a reward for having to look at my "Oh Crap! A jar of skin!" post for several days, may I present you with some images from my indescribably fantastic weekend in Colorado with Mr. Wonderful.

Sigh.

Let me just say this about the whole thing: When I got to work today (yes, I landed in Austin at 1:30 and was in a meeting by 2:30), I had no fewer than 3 people tell me how beautiful I looked...like I was glowing. And I had on zero makeup. Zero. And was wearing a white wife beater t-shirt and dirty jeans. THAT'S what a relaxing weekend with the one you love can do for you.

And now to our weekend:

We saw this Friday night after eating:

It was the world's coolest chrome cruiser. Boulder had about a gazillion bad ass bicycles rolling around. But this one was pretty spectacular.

Here we are at the top of the freakin' world. Literally. We drove up above the timberline (12,000+ ft.) into the arctic tundra terrain of Rocky Mountain National Park and tried to walk up a footpath to a lookout point. My lungs said, "NO!" so we landed on this rock instead. All I can say is wow. What an intensely gorgeous place. It was windy and cold and amazing. Thank God Mr. Wonderful had that pullover windbreaker, or my tits would've frozen and shattered. And that wouldn't have been fun at all.

Here's a little friend we made on our way down the mountain. Luckily, we had some tamari almonds with us (thanks Whole Foods!) to feed him and his buddies. He had LOTS of friends, and they weren't timid at all. In fact, they were borderline obnoxious. But I was thrilled because I hadn't seen chipmunks since I lived in Birmingham. Damn, they're cute as hell.

For nostalgia's sake, I purchased these while getting gas at a mini-mart in Estes Park. But then I looked at the ingredients list, and realized what a grown up I've become: Sno-Balls have "pork gelatin" and "beef fat" in them. Not to mention about a zillion different kinds of dyes. So there goes that. No more Sno-Balls for me. Ever.

Back at the Inn, Mr. Wonderful demonstrates what a waste of space this tub in the middle of the bedroom actually is. I mean, I'm all for the whirlpool action. But I like for my bathroom and bedroom to be a bit more separate than this was. I could literally reach my hand out from the bed and touch the faux marble on the tub area. What is this?! The damn Poconos? Anyway, we got a kick out of it (but not in the way that whomever decided to put it in there might have imagined).

Also, back at the inn, we saw some amazing sunsets. This was one of them from our patio. It was about 65 degrees and you could hear hummingbirds buzzing around overhead and Boulder Creek raging nearby. Amazing.

Next day, we stole the blanket off the bed at our inn and decided to go lay around in the park. This was our view from the ground.

And when we decided to sit up and take a look around, we saw this:

And we heard the laughter or children and smelled things being grilled and heard dogs barking and the creek rushing by.

Really. Boulder is so freakin' gorgeous. It's a seriously cool place to visit.

After lounging around, we decided to hike a bit and saw this (I know it doesn't look real, but trust me: we saw it):

The light was unreal. So crisp and bright. I knew my time here was coming to an end, so I drank it in deeply.

As the sun set, we hiked down and said goodbye to the rocks and sun.

I cried like a 2 year old today when we parted. This weekend was so "other." No place to be. No responsibilities. No baby monitors or alarm clocks. No air conditioners needed. Just pure relaxation. These photos only scratch the surface.

I am in love. All the way to my bones.

"Oh Crap! A jar of skin!"

I just spent some quality time with one of the funniest/grossest sites I've come across in a while. Steve, Don't Eat It! chronicles the adventures of a man who dares himself to eat the most vile, bizarre and disturbing "food" he can find. It's fucking hilarious and nauseating all at the same time.

WARNING: Don't go to the site if you

a) are at work and don't want people hearing you snort and guffaw as you laugh like a maniac
b) have a weak stomach
c) are a militant vegan, 'cause a lot of the stuff he eats is animal based (hence, far more gross out potential), and you'll want to shoot your computer screen
d) don't have a sick, twisted sense of humor

If none of those warnings apply to you, then have at it!

$500+

That's what I just plunked down for 4, three-day passes to ACL fest. I heard this year's line up, and couldn't help myself.

Plus, by that point I will have had 2 years to forget the heat and the dust and the crowds and the hassle from the 2004 version of the fest.

Now I need to find 3 suckers to go with me. I'm taking off of work and comandeering my very wonderful mother for childcare. In other words, I plan on doing it all 3 daze and coming out on the other end tired and happy.

Tomorrow is "Friday" for me because it's my last day at work this week. Why, you ask? Because, come Friday afternoon, I'll be on a plane to Colorado for a rendezvous with Mr. Wonderful. We're staying at this KICK ASS romantique place in Boulder Canyon and going hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park and doing archery and snogging like teenagers.

You have NO IDEA how much I need to disconnect from "real life" and spend some quality time in the mountains with the man of my dreams. It will be weird because this will be the longest that I've been away from The Geej since I was in the hospital last summer. But--and maybe I'm a bad mama for saying this--I need this in 100 different ways. Work has been killing me. Geej-tending is always exhausting. And frankly, I just need a change of fucking scenery. I got so excited and happy this morning on my way to work just thinking, "Just 2 more days..." that I actually got teary-eyed.

Mr. Wonderful awaits, and he's just as excited as I am. I love that guy...

The P11 is alive and well in South Austin!!

I am VERY happy and excited to announce that I lunched at the brand new Madam Mam's south location (Westgate/Ben White), had my favorite soup in the world--the Tom Kha w/tofu (P11)--and it was every bit as good as the ambrosia they serve at their Guadalupe location.

YUM!!

And the service at this site was better. As was the atmosphere. And there was plenty of FREE parking!! So now I won't have to pay $7 to park just to eat a $6.95 soup. I might even venture out and try something else off the menu (something I've never done because I can't get enough of that damn soup)!!

So yeah. I plan on spending plenty of Thai-me at the new Madam Mam's. (Get it? Thai-me? Time? Heh heh.)

Monday, Monday.

Wow. Where the hell did today go anyway? Suddenly, it's 8:30, and I really don't know what happened. Just a few minutes ago, I was on my way to work. At least that's how it seems. Let me try and recall how this day disappeared right before my eyes.

Hmmm...

Okay, woke at 5:51, like normal. Got ready, got The Geej to school by 8:07. Went to work, got ready for the dreaded Weekly Team Meeting. Meeting started at 9:30. Had to duck out of meeting at 10:45 to head to follow-up appt. at oncologist's office. Went to that. Had panic attack, got blood drawn. Went back to work. Grabbed a salad and ate outside (which was really nice). Came back upstairs and had two phonecalls to make. Did that then prepped for 2:30 budget meeting. Let me just say, that I'm in charge of prepping a nearly $1 million dollar budget for my team, and it's a responsibility I take very seriously. So, the seriousness of it stresses me out. Meet with the accounting dude re: the budget at 2:30, then we both go to meet with the Executive Vice President about said budget. Mr. EVP is a major player in the company I work for. I mean, he's on the quarterly earnings calls that influence what happens with our stock on Wall Street. Color me intimidated. But everything goes well, and boom, it's 5:15 and I'm in danger of missing the very strict "pick up by 5:30" rule at The Geej's school. So I HAUL ASS outta there, and just barely make it before the penalty time. After the ass-hauling, we then sit in traffic forEVER waiting to get home. Get home and, voila, it's time for dinner. Then bath. Then reading and tending to the herd of baby dolls. Then night night. And now here I am.

Again: wow. Sometimes my head just spins.

But you know what? It was beautiful here today, and it's a beautiful night already. The Geej was in an amazing mood, and I do feel like I got a lot accomplished today. My house is relatively clean, and I've got money in my bank account. Life is good, people.

And now for a couple of updates:

Thanks for all of you who weighed in on the "what should I do with my wedding/engagement rings" conundrum. I've made a decision: I'm going to sell the set, and put the cash in The Geej's college fund. I figure, it's the least that asshole owes me.

Also thanks to those of you who've been concerned about my weird CT scan report. I got the skinny on it today at the doctor's office:
They saw a 1"x 1" "area of concern" in my lower left bowel/abdomen. It's something that was not there when I had my last CT scan, 11 mos. ago. They don't think it's scar tissue because of its density, but they're not overly concerned that it's a tumor at this point. They think it may be diverticulitis, but since that generally affects people who are in their 50s or 60s, that's probably not it. (Yes, diverticulitis is also the same thing that Doug and Wendy Whiner used to complain about on Saturday Night Live in the 80s, which makes it that much more pathetic.) So, they're just going to "follow it closely" with CT scans every three months until they can figure out if it's growing or what.
I also had my one billionth abnormal pap, and so today they sprung a colposcopy and multiple biopsies on me. I wasn't expecting any of it, hence the panic attack. I mean, full blown freakout. I thought that my hysterectomy meant an end to this bullshit, but apparently not.
Finally, they did a full thyroid work up on me due to my sluggishness and weight gain. Yes, I'm just that sexy.

So, I guess we'll just see.

Right now, I've got to go do some work. Yay Monday!!

Happy Mother's Day!!

Had a very nice Mother's Day weekend.

Friday night, went to a birthday party for an adult, but there were plenty of kiddos there. The Geej arrived at the party freshly scrubbed in pajamas and tennis shoes. She was in a good mood and actually lasted until nearly 9:30. It was lovely outside that night, and the full moon was amazing.

Saturday, got up, got The Geej ready, and then my mom arrived so I could get ready for our photoshoot. We all looked pretty cute, but I doubt we're going to have many good shots to choose from. The Geej was being contrary, and there's always that odd man out when you're photographing 3 folks. We'll see...

Afterward, we lunched at Luby's (me, The Geej, and my mom LOVE Luby's. It's a Texas thing...) and then went to Petsmart to ogle the animals and fetch some supplies for my felines. There was dog training going on while we were there, and I thought The Geej was going to come unglued. There was this dude there with an Irish Wolfhound that was simply the largest dog I've ever seen in my life. It was so big it was sort of freakish.

That evening, Geej's favorite teacher Trina arrived at 6:45 to babysit, and Mom and I scooted to dinner at Austin Land & Cattle. Mom had never been there, and I hadn't been in a month of Sundays. We both really enjoyed it. Excellent service and very, very good food. (Yes, Karla. We got the Shiner Bock Battered Mushrooms.) We even each had a cocktail (before dinner) and wine (with dinner). It was very relaxing, and we had a really nice talk.

Today woke up, and the Geej came into my room armed with a card (from my mom) with a gift certificate to Daya Day Spa in it. Oh HELL yes!! I already know when I'm going to schedule that sucker. Yay!!

We had breakfast and the Geej rode my mom around like a pack animal (see below), and then Mom headed for home.

It was cool and cloudy all day. Now GJ is sleeping, and I've got to do some work. But it was a good, good day.

And I'm back...

A brief recap of the past two days:

Tuesday morning, get to work and there's a message from American Airlines saying that the 1:35 DIRECT flight to Chicago had been cancelled and that I'd been scheduled to leave on an 11:55 flight that went through DFW. This flight left earlier and arrived in Chicago later than my origingal one, but that wasn't the worst of it: I hate DFW with a purple passion, and I do everything in my known power to avoid it. You know, things like paying extra for a direct flight. Grrr...

I go through the drive through at the bank on the way to the airport to get cash for my trip. I park my car at the Airport Fast Park, and I get on the shuttle and start to put my parking ticket into my wallet, and realize that the cash I'd just gotten wasn't in there. Neither was my ATM card. I look out the window just in time to see a gust of wind sending my $20 bills a-flyin' right next to my car. I yell, "Wait!" and get off the shuttle and run around after my money like an imbecile. I manage to get it all and then also discover that my ATM is sitting in the driver's seat of my car. I rescue it and get back on the shuttle.

I check in at the machine, and the travel agent at work who was supposed to make sure my coworker I was traveling with and I were seated together apparently didn't do that. So we dick around on the machine until we find two seats together and switch to those. (More about those in a minute.)

Waiting for the plane, I realize there are two character actors among the passengers. These are guys you've seen in a gazillion different things, but you have no idea what their names are. But thanks to the internet, I figured out that they were James Hampton and Burton Gilliam.A couple of people asked to have their pictures taken with them, including the biggest black dude I've ever seen. He was like a damn H2. He made both of the actor dudes look like dwarves.
Get on the plane, and coworker and I are in the very, very, very last row. We don't even have a window. We're right by the bathroom. It smelled like greasy farts the whole trip. And it was unbelievably noisy. And hot.

Get to DFW and find out that our connection is already delayed by an hour. Ate at fucking TGIFriday's. When it was all said and done, we were delayed leaving by nearly 2 hours.

Get to the hotel (which was actually quite nice despite its proximitiy to the airport), and have about 1/2 hour before we're supposed to meet up with these other folks from our company for dinner. (The other folks are all accountants whom I have not met, so I can't say I was looking forward to it much.)

Meet up with the folks--3 men, 1 woman--have a couple of drinks then decide to go to dinner. Pickins are slim out by the airport, so we end up going to freakin' Giordano's. If you've ever lived in Chicago, then you'll know why that's funny. (It's kind of like coming to Austin and having dinner at Bill Miller.)

Get to bed later than I wanted to. Set the alarm for the morning without realizing that the time on the alarm clock was fucked up (instead of it being 11:00pm, it actually read 11:00am, so when I set my alarm for 6:30am it didn't go off that morning b/c it thought the time was 6:30pm).

Woke up late, and had exactly 25 minutes to get ready, packed and down to prep for the meeting that started at 8am.

Met from 8am to 3pm with the accountants in a room that was about 10 degrees too warm. I don't think I need to elaborate on that.

Got to the airport, ate at fucking Chili's. Our flight that was supposed to leave at 5:35 actually ended up leaving at 7:30.

Got to my house at 10pm. I was a total zombie. Showered and checked my voicemail. My oncologist had left a message to tell me there was "something concering on my CT scan" that she wants to discuss with me. But she ended the message with, "but don't be worried." Yeah, right.

Today was a bitch at work. I'm in the throes of preparing our team's yearly budget proposal. I have no idea what I'm doing, and everything's riding on this thing. I brought home work with me tonight, and I have a shit load to do before I meet about it tomorrow afternoon. And I'm sorry, all I want to do is sleep.

And I'm off...

...on a quick work trip to Chicago. Leave Tuesday afternoon, back Wedesday night. These mid-week trips really have a way of screwing up everything else you've got going on at work. But hey, I'm sort of looking forward to it. But only sort of. I've got several big deadlines looming and lots and lots and lots and gobs and tons of work to be done. One of these days, I'll resurface. I hope.

This weekend, I'm getting a babysitter and taking my mom out for a good Mother's Day eve dinner. We haven't been to dinner anywhere that wasn't "kid friendly" in over a year, so we're going to go to a steak joint where she can get a big slap of mammal and I can watch her enjoy it. We're also going to go have a "family portrait" taken with her, me and The Geej. Of course, I've got 1/2" long roots and some sweeeeeeeet zits to bring to the photo session, so it should rock. And Geej's haircut is HORRIBLE. The gal I took her to last time was clueless. I mean, how hard is a Pageboy? Ugh. I haven't had a formal portrait taken with my mom since I was about three. This should be interesting. She's wanting us all to dress alike like those fools who all wear chambray shirts and shit. Um...no. Not gonna happen.

I ninja cleaned the house yesterday. Damn, having a clean house feels good. Even if it only lasts for a few hours.

Finally, since I probably won't be posting for a day or two, I wanted to leave you with an image of the best shoes ever. They were purchased for me by a friend when I was living in Chicago. There's this crazy Japanese mall out in Arlington Heights (on your way to O'Hare), and it is seriously the most bizarre, entertaining place to spend a Sunday afternoon ever. It's like walking into the Engrish website. Anyhoo, he bought me these shoes there, and they nearly made me pee my pants laughing when he gave them to me. They still make me smile every time I slide the on, even though they're pretty skanky at this point.

Welcome to Babe City:

Oh wait. Can't read what they say? Here, let me zoom in for you:

Best. Shoes. EVER!! I swear, I'd wear them every day if I could.

More when I get back from the Windy City.

Nighty night.

Okay, Internets. I need your advice.

After my marriage broke up, I gave my engagement ring and wedding ring to my mom and said, "Just put them somewhere safe." I literally didn't want them in my house. The thought of them sitting in a drawer somewhere where I could get to them just punched me in the gut. So for four years now, my mom's had them in some "undisclosed location" at her house.

This weekend, I asked for them back. I'm ready to do something with them, but I don't know what. I mean, I could sell them and get the cash. Or I could repurpose the diamond and the platinum (perhaps adding another diamond or two) and make myself some kick ass right hand ring. Or I could repurpose just the diamond and sell the platinum. I dunno...

I forgot how goddamned gorgeous the damn thing was until I pulled it out of mothballs. Man, it's pretty. So what should I do?

Weekend update.

Greetings from Soggy Town, USA! Seriously. How much rain have we had over the past few days? I mean, we need it and all, but still...

Yesterday evening Jaye and I attended a commitment ceremony for two friends of mine, Lisa and Carole. They've been together nine years, and it was really cool to be a part of the celebration of them "making it official." Well, as official as you can in this conservative country in which we live. But I digress.

The ceremony and reception were held on this LOVELY piece of property near Driftwood. I met this guy while I was there.
Hot, no?

The property was right on the banks of a large creek (or small river, depending on how you look at it), and everyone had their fingers crossed that the cool, breezy, rain-free weather would last throughout the evening.

The ceremony itself took place in this bad ASS glass building. It was so cool because the way it was designed, it could be either totally opened up, or totally closed. They'd done some lovely, elegant decorating inside, and the ceremony itself took place "in the round" with all of the seats surrounding them as they took their vows.

There was a little covered patio area where they'd set up the bar. Then there was a small event tent where the food was. But all of the dining tables/chairs were set up under the trees near the creek. When everyone had been seated eating for a while, it became very clear that a big downpour was about to happen. Black clouds were quickly rolling in, the wind was picking up, and the temperature was dropping. So everyone got up and started moving the tables and chairs and food and booze into the glass pavilion. We got it all in there just as the bottom dropped out of the sky. It was cool to watch the whole thing roll past. No one let the weird weather get to them, and everyone just kept on celebrating. If nothing else, it made the event even more memorable than it already was.

The men attending the ceremony were very outnumbered by the largely female, largely lesbian guests. However, there was one cheesy dude who managed to sort of hit on me. THAT'S a first!! Getting hit on at a lesbian wedding! I'll have to mark that down on my list. Apparently it turned him on when he saw me remove the cork from a bottle of chardonnay with my teeth. I am nothing if not classy.

The dancing was pretty funny to watch. There was this one chick--a sister of one of the gals who got hitched--who we were calling "Cruise Ship." She was dancing up a STORM!! Step-ball-changing her little heart out, and doing lots of kicking and hand/arm choreography. She just looked like one of those ladies you see having the time of their life on the dancefloor of a cruise ship--complete with the cruise ship pantsuit and cruise ship hair. It was killing me.

Oh and there was a conga line. Yes, I conga-ed. Is that a word?

"Honey? Have you seen the cat?"

"No. Have you?"

Because there's not already enough of this stuff on the internet...

Awwwwwwwwh yeeeeeeeeeeah.

Talk about, "My Name is Earl?" Sheeeeeeee-ut.

FINALLY!! Someone has figured it out.

And has written an handy instruction manual about it to boot!

Ladies, Gentlemen, and the rest of you, I humbly submit:
How to Overcome Serious Regrets

Dear Internets,

Thank you for your concern and suggestions re: my last post about how dog-ass tired I've been of late.

Some notes--

• I only take Ambien in dire situations, like when I really, really need to get some sleep and I'm worried that my overactive, overstressed mind won't be able to turn off to allow me to get said sleep. And when I DO take Ambien, I'm a good girl and follow the directions allowing for "at least 8 hours" of sleep. At any rate, the Ambien should've been well worn off when I had my mid-afternoon sinking spell. Hell, it wasn't a sinking spell, it was more like the Titanic. I went DOWN.
• Going to bed at 9:00pm every night sounds like a good idea, but since the baby doesn't go to sleep until about 8:00 - 8:15, that would leave me only 45 minutes to an hour that's TOTALLY to myself. And in that time, I would need to finish laundry, eat, shower, pay bills, talk on the phone to my out-of-state man, etc. So, sorry. Just not an option except every now and again.
• Even though it would be a good guess otherwise, no, I'm not pregnant. I had my baby-making parts removed almost a year ago.
• Hmmm...thyroid. That's not a bad guess. I had my thyroid tested about 8 or 9 years ago, but it was fine. I'm headed back to the doctor on 5/15, so I'm going to request that they test that sucker.
• And La Turista? You were right about the 3-day benders in college. I should've said, grad school, because I did pull consecutive all-nighters then, but it was to write brilliant papers deconstructing poetry and crap like that.

Sleepily yours,

Karla "Estelle Getty" May

What the HELL is wrong with me?!

Wait. Don't answer that.

But seriously, I don't think this is normal:
I've been super DUPER tired lately. Like NO energy, completely zombified. No matter how much sleep I do (or don't) get, I feel like I'm on the end of a 3-day cramming-for-finals bender. Not only am I physically exhausted, I'm mentally kaput as well.

Last night, I went to bed (and to sleep) at 9:40. Nine freakin' forty, people. And I slept well (thank you Ambien!!) and right up until my alarm went off at 5:51. But this afternoon, at about 2:30, I got so tired, I actually got nauseous. I had no choice: I went and got in the back seat of my car in the parking lot and slept for about 1/2 hour. I came back upstairs a bit better, but still subpar.

What the fuck is going on here? I am not used to feeling this wrung out ALL the time.

Right now it's 8:20. The baby's asleep, and I'm about to pick up after Hurricane Geej, turn on the dishwasher and get ready for bed. Hopefully, I'll be in dreamland by 9:15. When oh when did I turn into Estelle Getty?

One man's diaper box is another man's palace.

Observe:

He's just a big dumb sweet boy, sittin' in a box.

Shnorgle.