Fashion Plate

Here's The Geej modeling a hoodie/overall combo.

And here she is modeling an overall...um...skirt, shirt-that-looks-like-a-bonnet ensemble.
We were bored, okay? Don't judge.

I'm speechless.

The sheer hotness of Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash is making me have major heart palpitations. I just want to lick him. God...

My mom is NOT a lesbian.

Last Saturday night, my aunt and her husband took my mom to see Robert Earl Keen at Gruene Hall. It was a gorgeous fall night, and although Robert Earl Keen isn't really my speed, it would've been a great night to see ANY show at Gruene Hall. I was proud of mom for getting out and about, and was curious to see how things went the next day. Here's the conversation we had on the phone on Sunday:

Me: So, how was the show?
Mom: It was good. The weather was awesome.
Me: Yeah...
Mom: It was really crowded. Lots of people smoking and waving their cigarettes into your face.
Me: I hate that.
Mom: Yeah...that Robert Earl Keen is handsome.
Me: Yeah, he's pretty good looking.
Mom: Peggy (my aunt) and I were digging him.
Me: Cool.
Mom: There was this weird lady there who kept touching me.
Me (laughing): What?
Mom: She was patting me on the shoulder and kept acting like she knew me...trying to talk to me, but it was so loud.
Me: Was she drunk?
Mom: I think so. She ended up reaching down and grabbing my hand and just holding it.
Me: WHAT?! What did you do?
Mom: I just sort of stood there. Then I moved over on the other side of Peggy and Mike to get away.
Me: Did she follow you?
Mom: No. She was weird.
Me: Mom, she was gay. She was totally hitting on you.
Mom: What? No way!
Me: Um..yes, she was.
Mom: Well, she was about six feet tall...

When bad hair happens to good people.

I remember the day this photo was taken. My friend Monica Johnston and I drove around looking for picturesque places to take my rush photos. That's right people: Rush. As in sorority rush. (You see, you had to send all these photos in to your prospective sororities so that they could project them up on the wall and pick you apart during rush meetings. Yes, it was as messed up as it sounds.)

It was early spring of my senior year, and I had a couple of rolls of photos taken of me posing around in no fewer than 3 outfits. [The outfit pictured included a sweater vest with bunnies and strawberries on it, and little strawberry-shaped buttons. Blech.] In some of the pictures, I'm actually holding flowers. Daffodils. In this one, however, I am leaning against a pine tree, which is VERY east Texas of me. The pictures are all totally gay. And my hair is BEYOND huge, but I thought it looked amazing that day.

Any wonder why American kids are so fucking fat?

Please look at the set of play food I bought for The Geej today:
On the left, you'll see fake crinkle cut French fries right below the fake Pringles. On the right, more fake Pringles along with ice cream, a brownie, cookies, a donut and pie. And in case that's not enough sweets, there's cake and brownie mix in the boxed foods section. In the upper right corner: pats of butter. In the very center, second from the top is some yellowish mound of something. Icing? Ice cream? Lard? I'm not really sure.

How was my weekend?

Glad you asked. Perhaps a list of the things on my receipt after today's trip to Target will give you some idea:

Baby Einstein book (for the baby)
A book called "Shaoey" (for the baby)
Fruit snacks (for the baby)
Pull and Glow Worm (for the baby)
Set of play food (for the baby)
Animal flashcards (for the baby)
7 items of baby clothes (for...you guessed it, the baby)
A Wine Cube (for me)
Grand Total: $121.02

Yeah...I know.

2 Terrible Things

1. Tuckerville. Remember when the Discovery channel was like a more-accessible National Geographic/History Channel? Well, no more. They're now the "Fox News" among other edu-tainment themed stations. This show was on last night and, because I have no life, I watched an entire episode. I felt dirty afterward. Like I needed a long shower and/or HazMat hose down. As far as I can tell, it's just a sad, sad show, filled with way too many bedazzled outfits and fanny packs. And if you ever wanted another reason to quit smoking, just watch it so you can see Tanya's "Executive Assistant," Annie.

2. As I was channel surfing last night, I kept checking in on Astros to see how they were doing in their first ever World Series game. I don't care about baseball, or the Astros, but I felt it was my duty as a Texan. Anyway, one of the times I flipped over to the game, I was apalled to see Liz "Fuck and Run" Phair singing "God Bless America" to the Windy City crowd. WHAT? My 90s beacon of all things cool is singing a shmalzty patriotic number in the middle of Cominsky Park...oh, excuse me, "U.S. Cellular Park"? I don't know whether to laugh or throw up.

I was a weird, weird kid--The Gripping Conclusion

So here we are in September. Only a few more months to go. Let's get started, shall we?

9/7/year unknown
Dear Diary [DD],
I really think everybody acked smart.
Love, Karla May

["Acked?" Well, some may have acted smart, but it's pretty clear who wasn't very smart at all.]

9/9/year unknown
Super Surprise
Super Dessert
hot tea

[Apparently The Diary was hijacked and forced to perform double-duty as an order pad during a game of "Restaurant." I wonder what the hell "Super Surprise" was? Sounds like some crazy Japanese restaurant.]

9/15/year unknown
DD,
My
favorite
song
is
summer
nights
of grease.

[Yes, this is how it was written on the page. I guess I was going for some sort of a pseudo-haiku thing here. Or not.]

10/31/81
DD,
Tonight I spent the night with Susan. Charlie and Robby came over (I am going with Charlie) and I let Charlie feel me off (on top). It was really my first time. I hope it doesn't get around.

[WHAT THE FUCK?! I was TWELVE for Pete's sake! And had zilcho for boobs! Oh my LORD what a little ho.]

11/1/year unknown
DD,
Tomorrow is the night I go spend the night with Ann. What a blast.

11/5/year unknown
DD,
Fran is baby sitting me. She can play the organ. And

[And? And what? I can't believe I left it hanging like that.]

11/20/80
DD,
Well, I haven't written you in about--a year. That is a long time. I have got a lot to say. Sixth grade is the BEST! I am going with DALE ARMSTRONG.* I realy think Kevin Heilman is cuter but I'll never tell. I frenched him 2 times at the Lobo Pirates football game. 23 to 0. Boo Hoo! Wow! It was his first time. Tomorrow I am going to Shannon and Debbies party. I hope it is fun. Well, write you soon.
Love,
Karla May

[*Okay, at the top of this page and then again after Dale's name, I drew what looks like a Superman emblem, but instead of just an "S," there's an "SF." What did it mean? Super Fox.]

11/21/80
Today I got on the raido (96X). They asked, "Who shot JR?" I said the baby did it. Ha ha.
More after the party.

11/22/80
The party was great! Dale and I didn't french because he has a cold. But...we played Texas chase, we slow danced, and we sat together alot. Shannon liked her gift. More later.

11/25/81
6th grade
People I have gone with

Nathan W.
Dale A.
Robby D. (2)
Clint A.
Stephen Mc.
Brian K. [I had a star after his name.]
Steve O.

11/25/82 [same page]
7th grade

Randy Bobo
Rodney Carrington
Wayne Boyce
Brian Kennedy
Charlie Merriman
Timmy Long
Kevin H.

12/15/year unknown
DD,
Gina is the most nicest babysitter I've ever had. She's so sweet and she is a really good dancer too.

12/22/year unknown

12/31/year unknown

Believe it or not...

I was a weird, weird kid, Part 2

The saga of the diary continues... [Remember, the screwed up spelling and punctuation is directly from the pages of this thing.]

3/30/81
Dear Diary [DD],
Today President Reagan was shot. James Brady--White house press secretary died. Age 40. 2 other people were wounded. Doctor's say Reagan is doing well. It took place around 1:30. Now at 4:16, we understand that James Brady is alive.
[Was I a little Connie Chung in training, or what?]

4/9/year unknown
DD,
My mom is really a pain in the ass! Sometimes she's so "sweet" and others I want to kill her. If something happens, who's the first person she asks, ME!
[I was an only child. OF COURSE I was the first person she asked.]

5/4/year unknown
DD,
Today I started going with Brian.

5/10/year unknown
DD,
Last Fri. night was my first night with Brian Kennedy. We went to see "Road Games," stupid show. But why should I care, I didn't watch very much of it. Wendy & Deann were real pests. I got mad at them. I found out something new, Brian has a great but (along with everything else.) More later!
Love, Karla May [big, flourishy signature]

5/11/year unknown
DD,
Today Brian came over. We were lying on my bed kissing, and he tried to feel me off, but I didn't let him. Good for me! I think he understands now.
[I wore a AA-cup bra until my freshman year in college. I can't imagine what in the hell he was trying to "feel off."]

5/23/year unknown
DD,
Brian broke up today.

5/26/year unknown
DD,
My cat is very sweet.

5/30/year unknown
DD,
Help! Mama whipped me! It didn't hurt

6/15/year unknown
DD,
Why me? I feel so left out! Hardly anyone talks to me anymore.

8/11/year unknown
DD,
You open this like you opened it.
[Well, duh!]

8/22/77
DD,
I think Roy has a big nose. But I'm afraid to tell.
Love, Karla May

Tomorrow, the gripping conclusion of, The Diary.

I was a weird, weird kid.

So, as verified by my previous post, I've come into something of a windfall of blog-worthy material. Most recent discovery: A diary purchased at K-mart and contributed to sporadically from 1976 (age 7) to 1982 (age 13).

It is so...well...I'll let the words speak for themselves: (These entries are in order by month. The years are all fucked up. So are the spelling and grammar. If you see regular parentheses, those are comments from back in the day. Anything bracketed by these: [ ] are modern day comments, to help you understand the context.)

1/1/76
Dear Diary (DD),
I took my tape recorder. And put it buy the door where some girls were talking. I was recording them.

1/2/76
DD,
I went to my dad's. It was very dull. All he did was sleep and watch tv. That's why it was so dull.

1/3/76
DD,
Monday, I went to school. I was so-so. But who can help that. How do you think I draw:

1/4/76
DD,
I put water in Kim's seat. She never found out.

1/5/76
DD,
[no entry]

1/6/76
DD,
I hate Roy.
[At this point, my future stepfather Roy was dating my recently-divorced, very hot mom. I was not a fan of him, or the situation I found myself in. Obviously.]

1/7/76
I HATE ROY!
[Written in prison escapee psycho script handwriting.]

1/8/76
I Hate Hate Hate ROY!

1/9/76
DD,
Lauri, Gina's sister, is a real nice girl too. She can sing's good too.
[Apparently I went a little retarded on this day.]

1/10/82
DD,
Today I went over to Rodney Carrington's*. It wasn't too fun. I swear he's the biggest flirt! I absolutely hate Paige [his sister]! What a snob! I'm going with Kevin Heilman, but I'm in LOVE with Kevin Jones (as always)!

More,
Later

*The "Rodney Carrington" I'm writing about here is comedian/actor Rodney Carrington. He's got his own sitcom in its 2nd season on ABC. Who knew?

1/26/year unknown
Traci is very stupid. And I hate her and she sings horribble And she is so moody she thinks she is so great

1/27/various years
Here is how I write:
[Followed by handwriting samples of my signatures from 1976, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, and 82. Again, a scanner would be awesome right about now.]

1/30/76
Today is my BIRTHDAY

2/15/year unknown
Mike is so moody. One minute he's nice, next he's mean.

2/26/81
No matter how he hurts or treats me I will always love Marty Pliler. I wil love him more than any other boy. Only you, God, and I know this and that's how it will always be. Some day I hope hel love me at last half as much as I love him. I think about him continulously day or/and night. Please, let him feel and know these words as I am writing them. And someday soon let him feel the same way. I LOVE Marty Pliler. (no erase)
[I wrote "no erase," but this entire entry is scribbled over with the words "NO WAY" over it.]

2/28/81
Tonight has been a wonderful night. Me & Shelli wnt to the mall with Marty Pliler and Steve McClure. Marty asked us to go! I can't believe it! We didn't do anything though. Tammy would kill us and the last thing I want to do is hurt Tammy. We just walked around and talked and it was fun. I don't even know why I'm going out with Dale. I don't love him half as much as I like Marty. Arghhhhhhhhhhh!

Memo: [There's a "Memo" section at the end of each month.]
Mrs. Neel [my 4th grade teacher] is so so so picky. I can knot stand her!!!

Next Entry: March thru May.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Today is the one-year anniversary of my blog. Who'duh thunk I would've actually stuck with it this long. I have about 50 diaries lying around that I've started and then gave up on after a few earnest weeks or months. But not this puppy. No sir. This one's a keeper. So anyway, Happy Anniversary to the D.o.a.P.C.R. Long may she wave.

Let's review, shall we? Since I began blogging I've:

• Had a fun girls' weekend in Las Vegas
• Lost my stepfather to a crummy death
• Gone to Russia, twice
• Adopted a baby
• Had a hysterectomy/cancer I didn't even know about
• Had my mom move within 50 miles of me
• Been celibate as a nun

Wow.

Also, coincidentally, today also marks year number 6 that I, Karla May, have been with my current employer. Pretty amazing considering my longest time with an employer prior to this gig was 2 years. Every two years I'd pick up and move or get bored or whatever, but that used to be my upper limit of job/company tolerance. But so far with this gig I'm still happy, even though I can be cynical. I'm still challenged, even though I sometimes get thrown "busy work." And, most importantly I suppose, I'm still here.

My Hometown.

Here it is, in all its glory: Longview, Texas. Taken on "The Loop." Go over that hill and take a right between the Nissan dealership and the liquor store/bbq restaurant, and you're in my old neighborhood.
On the left you see the Whataburger I ate at pretty much every day in 11th and 12th grade. Yes friends, it's just as exciting as this picture would lead you to believe. I can't believe I found this on the web. Too damn funny.

Sometimes, being a grown up isn't fun.

This Saturday, I went to a dear friend's house to be with her while she had her 17 year old cat, Vincent, put to sleep. It was so damn sad. He was in bad, bad shape. And although he'd rallied somewhat that day, his "good" day was not very good at all. Bless him.

He was one of those orange and white boys (like my own Earl) who's just bursting with personality.He wasn't much on pleasantries, but was charming as Hell, nonetheless. His most commonly uttered phrase was, "Scratch my head, Bitch." Although, he was also quite fond of saying, "Outside. Now."

The whole euthanasia itself didn't take long, and was utterly peaceful. And my friend knew she was doing the right thing, although that knowledge didn't make the whole ordeal any easier.

During that afternoon, and beyond, I kept thinking, "When we're kids, our parents (try to) shield us from this kind of shit. But when you're a grown-up, you just have to deal with it, like it or not." That is SUCH a raw deal.

R.I.P., Vincent: You cantaknerous old bastard.

Busy as Hell.

How come it's always feast or famine? Either I'm bored to the point of mental retardation at work, spending all my time e-mailing, IM-ing, web surfing and blogging OR I'm so fucking busy at work that I barely have time to go pee. And we all know how much I love to pee...

Well, the Busy Me has been prevalent this week. And it kinda sux. I'm all for working hard. In fact, I prefer it to slacking off. But really: some balance would be nice.

But still, despite the insane day I had today, I managed to do some shopping before I picked up the Geej, came home, washed dishes, wiped the Oliver Twistesque daycare grunge off of the Geej, made beds (you'll see why before the end of this paragraph), put out a spread of organic olive party mix, wild rice sticks, fresh baguette, roasted tamari almonds, black pepper chevre, a lovely manchego a bunch of organic champagne grapes, and chilled wine, cranked up the iTunes station "Secret Agent on SomaFM" (under "Eclectic"--HIGHLY recommended for background work/party music), made the Geej's dinner and applied lipstick (to myself, not the Geej). You see, my cousin who is visiting from Switzerland and his girlfriend were coming by for a visit, and he's young, hip, handsome and incredibly well-traveled, and I wanted him to think I was this super pulled-together single mom. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because he's much more "worldly" than I'll ever be. (He's lived in England, Texas, Venezuela, Belgium, France, Greece, Boston and Geneva, speaks 4 languages fluently, and he's only 27.) Maybe because he's tall and handsome, young and naive, and I see a lot of myself when I was 27 in him. Maybe because I'm so painfully starved for any kind of real social life that impressing my cousin and his girlfriend has become waaaaaaaaaay too important to me.
Well, I'm happy to report that we had a lovely time. He's an interesting kid--quirky and awkwardly sweet. It was good to spend some quality time with him. And he and his girlfriend seemed smitten with The Geej. Of course.

So tomorrow, it's back to the salt mines. I feel a day of hookie coming up in the very near future...

Will they ever leave me alone?

This photo cracks me up. It reminds me of those pictures you see of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, taken by the paparazzi. "I'm just trying to go into the 7-11 to get my Red Bull. Do you mind?" I can just see the caption, "The Geej seen leaving Ivy, after dinner with a new mystery beau. Looks like she spilled some of her gorgonzola ravioli on her pants and forgot her shoes. Oops!"

Mama with a gun.

Tuesday morning I went to the shooting range and unloaded a couple of boxes of ammo using a revolver and a Ruger. Typical Tuesday? Not so much. It was part of this wacky "team building" thing with work. Let me say that I am not a fan of guns. Despite my dad's many, MANY attempts to bestow a gun upon me pretty much every birthday/Christmas from the time I was 18 years old, I have managed to remain gun-free, and intend to keep it that way. I am a Texan, however, so I have shot a gun before. It was in high school while I was going out with a guy who liked to shoot targets, skeet, deer, javelina, wild turkeys, doves, ducks, and pretty much anything else that was considered "huntable." He took me to his family's ranch, and we shot Coke cans, milk jugs and skeet. I remember thinking it was fun, but also thinking (with a sense of relief), "Okay. That's that. I never have to/want to shoot a gun again." So imagine my surprise when I enjoyed the hell out of firing all those shots into my paper target. There's something very cool about holding that much power in your hands and being in control of it. I can almost understand the "sport" behind shooting. Almost.

Gone, but not forgotten.

Several years ago, I got in the habit of looking on the website for Longview's newspaper, "The Longview News-Journal." Why? (Good question.) Well they had this column called "The Soapbox," and it was pure gold. Basically, it was this voicemail box at the newspaper, and you could call and "get on your soapbox" about, well, anything, and they'd publish your insane rantings. If you were mad about the new speedbumps they installed in your neighborhood, or if you thought this year's courthouse Christmas decorations just weren't as pretty as last year's, The Soapbox was your place to unload.

My dad was a fan of The Soapbox. He told me he'd called it a few times about things that had pissed him off and, knowing my dad, I'm sure he went OFF. Indeed it seemed to me that most of the Soapbox messages I read were left by very cranky, very old people. Like computer message boards, there would be threads of commentary, but because it was in print, you had to be an avid Soapbox reader in order to fully comprehend that some of the things you were reading were referring to a Soapbox item from a couple of days prior. It was oftentimes so disjointed, that it read like dialogue in a Beckett play, making people seem that much more out of their minds. And, I'm willing to bet, it was the same 15 or 20 people who were calling all the time. God, I wish I could get my hands on some audio tapes of those message...

Sadly, The Soapbox was retired a couple of years ago. I guess the crazies just got too nuts, and the voicemail box got too full to handle. Luckily, I wrote down some of my favorite postings, and think that now the time has come to share them. Please note: I did not alter one single word of this. There's no way I could make this shit up. Enjoy!!

Domestic Issues
I really hate when mothers get granted child support and go and party the money away and the father that busted his butt all week at work gets the kid 24/7, to make sure he is taken care of. Does this sound familiar to you?

In response to the woman that talked about her husband leaving her for a "Whataburger honey" after being married so many years. Tell her I feel sorry for her because mine left for a Golden Corral waitress that had waited on our family. When I was 38, he said he didn't want to make my living anymore, and I had been a stay-at-home mom, too. I sympathize.

I live in White Oak and have a goat, two chickens and a pet armadillo in the city limits, and no one has ever given me a hard time. This allows me to have a fresh country breakfast every morning.

Proper vs. Improper Behavior
My mother taught that people who used foul language were stupid. They weren't smart enough to know the proper words to express themselves. "Family" rated movies contain extremely offensive language. Singers and rappers can't make a recording without offensive language. These people prove my mother was right. They sure sound stupid to me.

This is a word of warning to all you "young folks" out there who seem to have little use for those of us who are showing signs of aging. One of these days, you will be where we are, and you will want to be respected, needed, included, wanted and appreciated. Just because we are gray and wrinkled doesn't make us of lesser value on this earth. In fact, we are reservoirs of knowledge and experience that may lie untapped if we are ignored.

Does anyone understand what RSVP means? Where did common etiquette go? You can't drive without your cell phone pressed to your ear and yet you can't take two minutes to use that same phone to call and say you won't be able to attend?

Entertainment and the Arts
Today I was watching a movie on TV. It had that format where part of it's cut off at the top and part cut off at the bottom. Just a narrow strip of movie in the middle. What is the purpose of this?

I really like the new Longview logo on the water tank that is near St. Mary's School. It is so pretty.

There is too much baseball on TV.

Religion
What's wrong with shacking up? It is a sin. You are afraid to make the commitment to one person. You won't think religious people are hilarious when Christ comes back. Read the Bible and learn what God wants you to do.

What is wrong with religious people these days is what is wrong with ignorant people these days. They said what is wrong with shacking up. God said, "Let every man have his own wife and let every wife have their own husband." God said it, not man. Now why don't you dispute it with God.

Women should not be leaders in a church. They should teach children and help with the social functions. Women are just not designed for leadership. Leadership is for men only. It is un-Christian for women to usurp their authority over men. This works best and makes everybody happier.

Patriotism
I would just like to remind people who fly the Texas flag that the white is supposed to go on top, not the red. I noticed one today that is flying upside down. If you are going to fly them, they need to be flown right.

It seems to me that every idiotic idea originated in California. If you hear of a new scam, 10-to-1 odds is that it originated in Oklahoma. I am certainly glad I am a Texan.

Stop criticizing George Bush and calling him Dubya. Have respect for the president of the United States of America. If you can do a better job than he is doing, get up there and do it yourself or keep your mouth shut. Amen and amen.

Nature
I wish people would realize trees are for the forest and not for the city. Put the trees where they belong. If you are going to have a shade tree, please keep it topped so there won't be any danger of it killing you when it falls.

Chickens are penned up. Armadillos run wild and that is why you see them dead on the road. So you see, you're not so smart.

I just wanted to know if anyone out there has a strange, little, white bird that's been coming around lately? He is real white and about the size of a sparrow and very aggressive with the other birds. I would like to know if anyone has seen one like that and what it is.

Health and Science
Mayo Clinic doctors proved, fat in a proper diet does not make fat. Tests in England showed nothing detrimental to one's health in beef and pork. Vegetarians, most of whom look pale and undernourished, can now enjoy a well-balanced diet.

It takes about 50 years of smoking a pack a day to put a few black spots on your lungs. It only takes about four days for a cola to completely dissolve a nail and only two days to dissolve a T-bone steak.

My brothers and I used to chase the "mosquito truck" and ride in that cloud of DDT or whatever they used back in the early 1960s and there's nothing wrong with us. As a matter of fact, we see better than most folks, thanks to the extra eyes in our foreheads.

What “They” Need and/or Should Do
After witnessing a man at a health club die today, they really need defibrillators with trained staff to use them. Somebody needs to check into having defibrillators at health clubs.

I was in the Marshall Wal-Mart and met a guy in there, Glen in maintenance, who was the politest person, and he helped me find what I needed. They need more people like that in their stores.

I just want to say that I am tired of people putting down truck drivers. They better remember that the only thing not delivered by a truck driver is a baby. They better think about it.

Unclassifiable, yet still very wise
I'm going to get on a plane and go some place, any place where it is snowing.

Everybody don't like Pepsi-Cola. I am a Coke drinker, and I would like to find a restaurant in Longview that I could buy a Coke in.

I am going to use my tax refund to buy a gun and a Bible.

My daughter: Drama Queen

How freakin' sad and pitiful does The Geej look in this photo?

But don't buy it. Not even for a minute. Because mere seconds before this sad, sad photo was taken of my little Olivia Twist baby, I took THIS photo:

She's a future Oscar winner, no doubt. That, by the way, is "Bedtime Bear" that she's holding. It's a Care Bear, and no, I didn't buy it for her.