Monday, October 03, 2005

Gone, but not forgotten.

Several years ago, I got in the habit of looking on the website for Longview's newspaper, "The Longview News-Journal." Why? (Good question.) Well they had this column called "The Soapbox," and it was pure gold. Basically, it was this voicemail box at the newspaper, and you could call and "get on your soapbox" about, well, anything, and they'd publish your insane rantings. If you were mad about the new speedbumps they installed in your neighborhood, or if you thought this year's courthouse Christmas decorations just weren't as pretty as last year's, The Soapbox was your place to unload.

My dad was a fan of The Soapbox. He told me he'd called it a few times about things that had pissed him off and, knowing my dad, I'm sure he went OFF. Indeed it seemed to me that most of the Soapbox messages I read were left by very cranky, very old people. Like computer message boards, there would be threads of commentary, but because it was in print, you had to be an avid Soapbox reader in order to fully comprehend that some of the things you were reading were referring to a Soapbox item from a couple of days prior. It was oftentimes so disjointed, that it read like dialogue in a Beckett play, making people seem that much more out of their minds. And, I'm willing to bet, it was the same 15 or 20 people who were calling all the time. God, I wish I could get my hands on some audio tapes of those message...

Sadly, The Soapbox was retired a couple of years ago. I guess the crazies just got too nuts, and the voicemail box got too full to handle. Luckily, I wrote down some of my favorite postings, and think that now the time has come to share them. Please note: I did not alter one single word of this. There's no way I could make this shit up. Enjoy!!

Domestic Issues
I really hate when mothers get granted child support and go and party the money away and the father that busted his butt all week at work gets the kid 24/7, to make sure he is taken care of. Does this sound familiar to you?

In response to the woman that talked about her husband leaving her for a "Whataburger honey" after being married so many years. Tell her I feel sorry for her because mine left for a Golden Corral waitress that had waited on our family. When I was 38, he said he didn't want to make my living anymore, and I had been a stay-at-home mom, too. I sympathize.

I live in White Oak and have a goat, two chickens and a pet armadillo in the city limits, and no one has ever given me a hard time. This allows me to have a fresh country breakfast every morning.

Proper vs. Improper Behavior
My mother taught that people who used foul language were stupid. They weren't smart enough to know the proper words to express themselves. "Family" rated movies contain extremely offensive language. Singers and rappers can't make a recording without offensive language. These people prove my mother was right. They sure sound stupid to me.

This is a word of warning to all you "young folks" out there who seem to have little use for those of us who are showing signs of aging. One of these days, you will be where we are, and you will want to be respected, needed, included, wanted and appreciated. Just because we are gray and wrinkled doesn't make us of lesser value on this earth. In fact, we are reservoirs of knowledge and experience that may lie untapped if we are ignored.

Does anyone understand what RSVP means? Where did common etiquette go? You can't drive without your cell phone pressed to your ear and yet you can't take two minutes to use that same phone to call and say you won't be able to attend?

Entertainment and the Arts
Today I was watching a movie on TV. It had that format where part of it's cut off at the top and part cut off at the bottom. Just a narrow strip of movie in the middle. What is the purpose of this?

I really like the new Longview logo on the water tank that is near St. Mary's School. It is so pretty.

There is too much baseball on TV.

What's wrong with shacking up? It is a sin. You are afraid to make the commitment to one person. You won't think religious people are hilarious when Christ comes back. Read the Bible and learn what God wants you to do.

What is wrong with religious people these days is what is wrong with ignorant people these days. They said what is wrong with shacking up. God said, "Let every man have his own wife and let every wife have their own husband." God said it, not man. Now why don't you dispute it with God.

Women should not be leaders in a church. They should teach children and help with the social functions. Women are just not designed for leadership. Leadership is for men only. It is un-Christian for women to usurp their authority over men. This works best and makes everybody happier.

I would just like to remind people who fly the Texas flag that the white is supposed to go on top, not the red. I noticed one today that is flying upside down. If you are going to fly them, they need to be flown right.

It seems to me that every idiotic idea originated in California. If you hear of a new scam, 10-to-1 odds is that it originated in Oklahoma. I am certainly glad I am a Texan.

Stop criticizing George Bush and calling him Dubya. Have respect for the president of the United States of America. If you can do a better job than he is doing, get up there and do it yourself or keep your mouth shut. Amen and amen.

I wish people would realize trees are for the forest and not for the city. Put the trees where they belong. If you are going to have a shade tree, please keep it topped so there won't be any danger of it killing you when it falls.

Chickens are penned up. Armadillos run wild and that is why you see them dead on the road. So you see, you're not so smart.

I just wanted to know if anyone out there has a strange, little, white bird that's been coming around lately? He is real white and about the size of a sparrow and very aggressive with the other birds. I would like to know if anyone has seen one like that and what it is.

Health and Science
Mayo Clinic doctors proved, fat in a proper diet does not make fat. Tests in England showed nothing detrimental to one's health in beef and pork. Vegetarians, most of whom look pale and undernourished, can now enjoy a well-balanced diet.

It takes about 50 years of smoking a pack a day to put a few black spots on your lungs. It only takes about four days for a cola to completely dissolve a nail and only two days to dissolve a T-bone steak.

My brothers and I used to chase the "mosquito truck" and ride in that cloud of DDT or whatever they used back in the early 1960s and there's nothing wrong with us. As a matter of fact, we see better than most folks, thanks to the extra eyes in our foreheads.

What “They” Need and/or Should Do
After witnessing a man at a health club die today, they really need defibrillators with trained staff to use them. Somebody needs to check into having defibrillators at health clubs.

I was in the Marshall Wal-Mart and met a guy in there, Glen in maintenance, who was the politest person, and he helped me find what I needed. They need more people like that in their stores.

I just want to say that I am tired of people putting down truck drivers. They better remember that the only thing not delivered by a truck driver is a baby. They better think about it.

Unclassifiable, yet still very wise
I'm going to get on a plane and go some place, any place where it is snowing.

Everybody don't like Pepsi-Cola. I am a Coke drinker, and I would like to find a restaurant in Longview that I could buy a Coke in.

I am going to use my tax refund to buy a gun and a Bible.


Karla said...

"Whataburger honey"! And those hotties at Golden Corral! Now, THAT'S waht I'm talkin' 'bout! Oh yeah, those women are HOT!

GoingLoopy said...

I have no words to describe my reaction to those little snippets of brilliance...only maniacal laughter.

Anonymous said...

Please provide more of these at your earliest convenience. Please.

My mom & stepdad still get "The Breckenridge American" (that's Texas, not Colorado) and my very favorite thing in the whole world was the Police Blotter. Until this Longview gem came into my life...


Onnie said...

How I stumbled upon you, I don't know, but have been reading your blog since Russia and enjoy it. Cute, cute baby!!! Anyway, if you really, really miss this shit, boy, do I have a link for you. Every Wednesday when I get our little weekly paper, I try to figure out where we can move. But then I see you have your share of wackos, too. I never knew such ignorance existed. It's frightening.