Think you're smart?

Sometimes I do too. Like when I watch "Jeopardy" (which is as rare as a Republican with a heart these days). I'm always nailing shit from the comfort of my own couch, yelling stuff like, "What is the First Folio?" and "Who is Lorna Luft?" at the screen. So secretly, I've always thought, "Piece of cake. I could TOTALLY do 'Jeopardy,' make an easy $50K, and make my mama proud all in the process." I'm not really thinking that so much anymore.

About a week ago, I read online on some news site that "Jeopardy" was going to be having their first ever online prelim testing on March 30th. Of course, I signed up. And last night, at the designated time (8pm, PST), I sat my tired ass down in front of Ye Olde Laptoppe and attempted to answer the 50 questions that came at me one every fifteen seconds.

Yowzah.

Who is Ken Star?

What is Saudi Arabia?

What is "Little Shop of Horrors"?

Some of that shit, I totally nailed. But the rest of it humbled me greatly. Greatly.

I'm not really expecting a call for the next round. Oh well...at least I tried. AND I knew that Byron was the English poet who died after sustaining injuries fighting for Greek independence (or something along those lines).

What I see in my rearview mirror every morning on the way to work.

Cold busted chillin'.

Pine Curtain Shout Out and Capes

The Onion has an article with "Longview, TX" in the bi-line. And it even references Judson Middle School, which actually exists. Too funny.

In other internet news, for those of you looking for something special for the man in your life, might I suggest a Mancho. Or a man-cape. (The good people at Casco Bay Woolworks call it a serape, but really, it's a man-cape.) The style below is called "The Senator." I'd like to veto this and send it back to committee...forever!

And finally: "The Headmaster." If I ever--EVER--saw some assclown walking--nay striding-- around in this, I would literally piss myself and then die of a heart attack laughing. Unless of course he was butt nekkid underneath. THAT would be totally cool.

And a good time was had by all.

A few scenes from Mama Malcontent's ROCKIN' 37th birthday party at Casa Avocado in bee-yootiful Llano county on Saturday.

The banks of Sandy Creek.

There's nothing quite as fun as looking for rocks and the elusive "arrowhead."

There she is in all her glory: Casa Avocado!

Spring in central Texas. Is there anything more lovely?

The birthday girl and Karla May. Keepin' it real since 1969!

Q: You know what doesn't smell so good?

A: A first morning diaper FULL of asparagus pee followed about 30 minutes later by a second morning diaper filled with sweet potato poo.

Ugh. I'm getting queasy just thinking about it. But hey: at least The Geej likes asparagus and sweet potatoes.

Random Shuffle Meme

I totally stole this from the one and only Badger, but I'm sure she doesn't mind.

For the unititated: You put your iPod on random shuffle, and then answer the questions with the song titles of whatever plays. No cheating.

You'll know I didn't cheat because I left in some pretty lame ass bands/songs. Hopefully this, and the fact that I also have Usher, Beyonce, April Wine, and Scritti Politti (among many other "embarassing" artists) on my iPod will prove that, once and for all, I am NOT a music snob.

Here goes:

What is missing from my life?
Sick, Sober and Sorry—Lefty Frizzell
So I guess this means I’m healthy, drunk and unwilling to cop to my mistakes. SWEET!

Will I find love?
See Him on the Street—The Jayhawks
Oh great. I’m going to fall in love with a homeless panhandler. Again.

Will I become rich?
Rockin’ Chair—Louis Armstrong
I take this to mean that yes, I will become rich, and be able to while away my days in a rocking chair. Or else that I’ll become rich through my ownership of a furniture company. But either way, the answer’s yes.

Does someone have a crush on me?
March of the Goober Woobers—47 x It’s Own Weight
You can't make shit like this up. This was the actual song that came on, and this is its actual title. It’s on a compilation CD that I bought off of iTunes. I am doomed.

What is my favorite sexual position?
Paranoid Android—Radiohead
Dude, you should TOTALLY try the Paranoid Android. All you and your partner need are some flippers, an egg beater, a helmet and some Astroglide, and you’re good to go.

Am I good looking?
Micro Kid—Level 42
Yes. I’m good looking, but only in a very, very small way.

What makes me the most happy?
Finally Made It—Mary J. Blige
I guess “making it” makes me happy...whatever THAT means.

What is my biggest regret?
Spanish Key—Miles Davis
No idea.

How will I die?
Into the Fold—Luna
The first lines of this song are: “Your face is flushed, and your eyes are closing…” so I’m thinking I'll kick it due to a heat stroke or heart attack, or perhaps--per the title--in a bizarre laundry accident.

Do I act my age?
Milk Cow Blues—Johnnie Lee Wills & His Boys
Um. No comment.

What type of tattoo should I get?
Plants and Rags—Giant Sand
Yeah man, so what I was thinking was like this BIG pot leaf with some Confederate flags waving in the background. That’ll be so rad.

What is my spiritual/animal guide?
El Quarto del Tula—Buena Vista Social Club
Tula’s room! I must get to Tula’s room to find my spiritual destiny!

Do I like pain?
Bayou Schwarz—Steve Riley and the Mamou Playboys
Yes. I like pain. But only when I’m traveling through Bayou Schwarz.

Is there anyone else out there like me?
The Unorthodox—Mr. Lif
I think this is a pretty accurate statement.

Do I love to party?
Cello Song—Nick Drake
Nothing says “party” like Nick Drake and cellos. Pass the Dom, bitches!!

Where should I move to?
If You Were the Woman and I Was the Man—Cowboy Junkies
Sounds to me like this is recommending San Francisco…or Bangkok.

Will I ever be president?
Man with Two Hearts—Men At Work
That’s cool. I didn’t want to be president anyway.

What is fun for me?
The Mess We’re In—PJ Harvey
Getting messy IS fun! Cleaning up messes, not so much.

Will I ever learn to fly?
Alison—Elvis Costello & The Attractions
My flight instructor’s name will be Alison. Good to know.

What is my superpower?
Big Rock Candy Mountain—Harry McClintock
Come to think of it, creating huge mountains of candy out of thin air would be a kick ass super power.

Will I be successful?
Drab—Giant Sand
As in: “No my dear, you won’t be successful. You’ll be drab.”

How often do I get angry?
All I Gave—World Party
I give and give and give, and what do I get from you people!? NOTHING!!! God, that makes me mad!!

What is my favorite thing to do?
What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?--REM
Ham radio with a guy named Kenneth. TOTALLY!! That’s my number one favorite thing to do! Man, this thing is eerie…

Big Hair?

A few posts back, I mentioned how The Geej calls for her grandmother every time she sees a bottle of hairspray. One of my commentors asked, "Does your mom have big hair?"

Well, you tell me:

Not so much "big" as it is consistently helmet like.

Cheryl: Keepin' it real for forty years and counting...

The title of this photo is: I Am Not Here

Me vs. The External Hard Drive

My music files and photo files were taking up something like 97% of the memory of my computer's hard drive (no, I'm not exaggerating), and since my computer is my WORK computer and my personal stuff was jeopardizing all of the work files I had, I figured I'd better bite the bullet and get an external hard drive to transfer all of my music and photos on to. My entire laptop has 30GB of memory. The new external hard drive? 200GB.

Isn't it pretty?

So I get this thing, not having a clue what to do or how to install it, and rather than bring it in to work and let my friendly neighborhood technogeeks assist me, I wanted to do it all myself.

Getting the drive itself up and running was no biggie. Transferring the picture files over. Piece o'cake. But the whole iTunes/music files transfer? Another story.

See, to save space on my laptop, what I would do is go into my music files and delete the MP3s, but keep the song info in my iTunes. That way, when I'd update my iPod, it would "trick" the iPod into thinking the music was still there, and it wouldn't automatically delete the songs. Well, the iTunes had its revenge for all of my shenanigans.

When I transferred the iTunes over to my new e-drive, I lost nearly 3,000 songs--roughly half of the music I'd loaded in from CDs. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I have spent the better part of the past two weekends reloading stuff...one...CD...at...a...time. Annoying? Oh yeah.

And the other dumb thing I did? I transferred the iTunes program over...not just the music files (which is what I should've done). So now, I have to lug my e-drive to and from work with me if I want to play my iTunes or listen to iTunes radio at work. Which I do. Because I can't stand listening to "office noise" and my noise-cancelling headphones with AC/DC blaring in them is the only thing that keeps me moderately sane in the heart of Cubeland, U.S.A.

Lesson learned: Always, ALWAYS ask the technogeeks for assistance.

St. Patty's Day Hookup.

It seems that The Geej has herself a new paramour: a very sweet charmer named George. This was the third time they've been around each other, and I think it's safe to say we can start picking out wedding china for the two of them very soon. She's had "playdates" before, but none was ever as successful as her time with George today. They were clearly nuts about each other. So damn cute!!

Some scenes from their "date."

George: Hey baby. Wanna come check out my bachelor pad?

The Geej (while running): Yes! Yes!

The Geej: I LOVE what you've done with the place! Hey, can I have some of your cookie? I'll give you a kiss...

George: What?! Hell to the no! This cookie rules!

The Geej: Smooch! Smooch! Smooch!

Spring has sprung, ya'll.

Behold! The red/blue bonnets in my backyard. Enjoy it while you can, suckers. It's gonna be 100+ in a matter of weeks...

Why is this so funny to me?

Yesterday morning, I was getting ready, and The Geej was dinking around in my bathroom, seeing what she could get in to, and she started pulling everything out from one of the under-sink cabinets. While she was making her mess, I went to the kitchen to get some water. No sooner had I walked in there, then she comes running after me holding up a rarely used bottle of hairspray saying, "Dah! Dah! Dah!" Dah is what she calls my mom. Cheryl is the hairspray. The hairspray is Cheryl.

Funny, funny stuff.

Meet the girls.

From left to right they are: Anna, Abbie, Sally, and The Geej. The Geej has been utterly obsessed with babies for some time now: Real babies, babies in books or on t.v., and these three baby dolls. Sally is the clear favorite, but the other two get plenty of attention as well. In the mornings, The Geej tends to all of them, making sure they have their bottles and are covered up with their community blanket so that they can go "nigh-nigh." She is such a GIRLY girl, what with all the baby doll lovin' and whatnot. She also kisses them. A lot. And if they get a boo-boo (which is generally caused by her less-than-gentle handling of them, I mean jeez, Sally's two-thirds her size, so she can be hard to lug around), she wants to wants to put ice on it and kisses it and tells the babies, "It's okay."

Too funny.

Concert Meme!!

I decided to get creative and write my own concert “meme,” and I’m tagging Bookhart and La Turista to do it as well. Add any categories I may have inadvertently left out. And rock on, freaks.

3 best live shows you ever saw (large venue)
This was not easy, as I’ve been lucky to see many kick ass shows. But narrowing it down, in no particular order…
1. Tool. Aenima tour. Atlanta.
I’d never seen Tool live, and I’d gotten introduced to them by a hard-rockin’ friend of mine named Lane who lived in Atlanta. I loved them, and was totally thrilled by the concept of seeing them live. I knew something was up when there was no one—not one single person—selling their tickets outside the venue. But there were hundreds of people outside the venue looking to buy. It was general admission, and the venue was like a big airplane hangar—all one level, no seats. The audience was at least 75% male, but that didn’t stop Lane and I from weaseling our way up toward the stage and into the middle of the most intense mosh pit I’ve ever seen. From the minute the band took the stage, I was mesmerized. Totally transported. The only word I’ve ever been able to find that comes close to describing the whole experience is “tribal.” I was sweaty and exhausted and exhilarated afterward.
2. Radiohead. Kid A tour. Houston (The Woodlands).
Despite the fact that it was a gazillion degrees and about 8000% humidity and that mosquitoes the size of hamsters were eating me alive, this show was beyond amazing. The Ex and I had driven to Houston and spent the day at Astroworld (RIP) riding roller coasters and getting sunburned. Then we drove to the La Quinta near the venue where every room was occupied by other people who were going to the show. The entire hotel was one big party. It was the first American date on this tour, and they came ready to play. Our seats were really good, and the crowd was totally, completely into the music. I got goosebumps at least 50 times during that show because they were just so fucking wonderful.
3. U2. Unforgettable Fire tour. Dallas.
I was a total and complete U2 fan in high school. This show was simply a dream for me. I was 15, and rode the 127 miles to Dallas with a high school dude I had a crush on. He may as well not have even been there during the show, because I was totally transfixed the entire time. When the show finally ended and the lights came up, I burst into tears because I was so overwhelmed and sad that it had ended.

Honorable mention: Prince, Foo Fighters, Lenny Kravitz

3 best live shows you ever saw (smaller venue)
1. David Bowie. The Backyard. (Austin)
2. The Tragically Hip. 5 Points Music Hall. Birmingham, AL
3. Calexico, Emo’s (Austin)

3 most disappointing live shows you ever saw
1. The Cult
2. Eddie Money (go figure!)
3. The Breeders

3 bands that you wish you’d seen live
1. ELO. Jeff Lynne can do no wrong, as far as I’m concerned, and plus they had a big ass spaceship or some such shit on the stage.
2. Earth Wind and Fire. In the 70s. With the outfits and the horns and all the choreography. Get outta town! That would’ve RULED.
3. Jane’s Addiction.

First live show you saw (without parents)
Van Halen. Diver Down tour. Shreveport, LA. I was like 12, and got funny feelings “down there” when David Lee Roth was strutting his stuff. I’d ridden to Shreveport with my friend Traci’s 16-yr. old pothead brother Mark and his friend. I’m sure they were thrilled to have to take us dorks along. We rode in the back of his kidnapper van (no windows, no seats) and weren’t allowed to talk to them during the entire trip. They kept chucking empty beer cans at us. Again: How did I NOT die when I was growing up?

Last live show you saw
Calexico and Iron and Wine at Stubb's this past October.

Most surprising live show you ever saw and why
Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Liberty Lunch. It was SXSW, early 90s, and I’d gone to Liberty Lunch early to get in, and camp out to make sure I had a good spot for the final band of the night, The Tragically Hip, who I fucking loved. I had no idea who the other bands were on the line up preceding them, and I didn’t care. Then, all of the sudden, the Blues Explosion took the stage and fucking rocked my ass so hard I couldn’t see straight. They had such attitude and were just on fire. Plus, Jon Spencer is a severe hottie, and that didn’t hurt the experience at all.

Live show I went to that would probably surprise you.
Farm Aid. Dallas. Early 90s. And I was on acid, no less.

My first Blackbird show and tell.

Badger does it. And she's cool. I wanna be cool too, so now I'm doing the Blackbird weekly "show it." It's supposed to happen on Thursday, and it's Friday. So sue me.

This week? Eyes. My eyes. So here they are:

That's kind of a grainy, pixelated version of them, but you get the idea. They're blue, and practically blind. I've been wearing glasses and/or contacts since 5th grade. When I smile, my left one squinches up more than my right one. I have paltry eyelashes, and my brows are blonde (which is also the natural color of my hair). I've only had my brows tweezed once, for my wedding. I thought I was gonna die during the whole ordeal, so I decided not to do it again. On a daily basis, I wear liner, a neutral shadow, and mascara. At night, I put vitamin E oil under them to try (in vain) to stave off the wrinkles. I've only had one black eye, and I got it at a Riverboat Gamblers show at Beerland on my 35th birthday, so I'm pretty proud of that.

So there they are. My eyes.

A real post is to follow this one. I'm sorry I've been so absent. Work continues to kick my ass. Excuses, excuses...

Haiku for Madam Mam's

Your Tom Kha is full
of intense flavor so fine
I eat it in dreams.

Man, that's some good fucking soup.

Someone call the ASPCA.

When my very old cat Ellen was still a spring chicken, she had an unfortunate incident that resulted in the last 2 inches or so of her tail having to be amputated. It was a shame really because the tip of her tail was white and complemented her white feet and chest quite nicely. As a result, she was left with an abnormally short-ish tail that twitches incessantly due to some residual nerve damage and a tail that she is very, VERY particular about people messing with. Short furry twitching tails are apparently irresitable to your average 19-month old. It seems that no matter how matter how many times and ways I tell The Geej that we mustn't mess with the tail of The Ellen-Melon, her fascination with said tail does not wane.

When I snapped the following photo, my intent was to get a cute shot of The Geej in her Van Halen shirt and pink Converse hi-tops because she looked too damn adorable. And Ellen was sitting demurely next to her and they were coexisting peacefully. Then this happened. Oh well. It's just a snapshot of reality at my house. A reality that includes that bitchin' butterfly sheet that I have to drape over the bed/pillows to protect them from unreal amounts of Ellen fur.

stupid stupid stupid

Yesterday when I was driving home from work, I'd just crossed over 360 on MoPac, and these two imbeciles on crotch rocket motorcycles came hauling ass by, weaving in and out of the dense traffic, riding in between the lanes, scaring the shit out of everyone. And just to make sure everyone knew what supreme assholes they were, they each took turns popping up on to the back wheel and driving about 75 mph while at a 45-degree angle. I'd say these two are hardcore contenders for the Darwin Awards for 2006.