Night sweats, hot flashes and zits. Oh my.

So menopause has set in. Full force. And it blows.

I can't take any hormone replacement/estrogen stuff because the cancer I had apparently feeds on estrogen. In fact, for the rest of my life, I have to take this "anti-estrogen" pill that they give to breast cancer patients but hasn't really been proven to work on my cancer (because it's so rare there's been an embarrassingly small amount of actual research done on it). Therefore, I'm stuck with natural remedies...black cohosh...soy isoflavones...Acupuncture... Right now, I'm on the soy and black cohosh, but haven't tried the acupuncture yet (only because I haven't had the chance--I'm a big fucking believer in acupuncture...it helped my endometriosis pain and a wicked case of sciatica...God I sound like I'm 80 yrs. old...).

But I digress. Let me tell you about what's going on in KarlaMayLand.

NIGHT SWEATS: I wake up at least 2 times a night, drenched. Sweating like the proverbial "whore in church." And I sleep on my side, so usually that means I've got some super sweaty river-running-through-my-cleavage action happening. It's like waking up with a raging fever that's just broken. It's gross, and you don't want anything touching your skin. So you rip off the covers and lie there praying for coolness. And I sleep with 2 fans on all the time...even in the dead of winter. So pretty soon, I get so clammy cold, pull the sheets back on and try to go back to sleep. One of the side effects of the "anti-estrogen" pill I'm on is "sleeplessness," and I've got it in a bad way. Once I wake up, I'm awake. And it sucks. If I do doze off again, I usually wake up within an hour, drenched in sweat again, so what's the point really, right? Ugh. I change my sheets like every 3 days at this point. It's miserable.

ZITS: I have been a lucky girl when it comes to pimples. Yes, I always had pre-menstrual or stress-induced breakouts. But usually they were short and sweet. Nothing to write home about. The only time I've even been to a dermatologist was for a "mole check" (which, by the way, I recommend for those of you of the fair-skinned variety. Especially if you used to lay out in the sun on your roof slathered in Crisco oil when you were in high school like I did. Brilliant.). But in the two weeks since the hysterectomy, I've had more zits than during my entire teen years. I feel like a fucking circus freak. Chest broken out like I've got monkey pox? Check! Left side of my nose looking like a leper on Molokai circa 1948? Yes! Enormous comic-book zits on my cheeks and forehead? You bet! I have never, ever in my life felt uglier. It's just fucked up. I'd put a picture up of the lunar surface that is my face, but I know you wouldn't like me any more if I did. C'mon...who wants to be blog buddies with a true freak?

HOT FLASHES: I'm at Whole Foods today. I went in with a list and was pretty efficient with my shopping, albeit I had the occasional wandering that one has when one goes to Whole Foods. By the time I got the the check out line, I was sweating and didn't know if I'd be able to stand up until the cashier got me checked out. Granted, part of it was fatigue that I'm still feeling from the surgery, but the rest of it? Hot flash. Big time. I can only describe it as what someone who spontaneously combusts feels the instant before they burst into flames. It's so fast and intense. And on a karmic scale it sucks--I mean, this happens to women who are and/or have ended their child-bearing days and/or have had a hysterectomy. These are humans who have had periods and dealt with pregnancy and childbirth and endometriosis and fibroids and ectopic pregnancies and abortions and PMS and cramps and you name it. At the end of all this, wouldn't random endorphin highs be more appropriate? Imagine it: you're in the checkout line, and all of the sudden, you feel like you've smoked a bowl of amazingly mellow skunk weed. Flippin' sweet. You leave the cashier a $5 tip just for the fuck of it, float to you car, load in you groceries and rock out to Tool on the way home. THAT'S what menopause should be like. Not this fucked up bullshit.

But in a weird way, it makes you realize how powerful your body is. It makes you respect it.

So after you read this, do something nice for your body. Drink some green tea. Do 20 crunches. Go for a walk. Put down that goddamned cigarette. Eat an avocado. Whatever. Think of it as the only car you'll ever get to drive, and treat it accordingly.