Yes, I am scared. Terrified, in fact. And worried.
I don't want to go through with this surgery, but know that I must.
I don't want to be in the hospital at all--even if for a short stay, but know that I will.
I don't want to go through the post-surgical hypothyroidism caused by the period between when I will have no TSH running through my system and when I'll be able to start taking the synthetic TSH and get it adjusted to a point where I can have some semblance of normalcy. Wondering what some of the things that happen when you have hypothyroidism? I was too, so I looked it up. Check out this barrel of laughs:
Gaining weight inappropriately
Inability to lose weight with diet/exercise
Constipation, sometimes severe
Hypothermia/low body temperature (Feel cold when others feel hot, need extra sweaters, etc.)
Feeling run down, sluggish, lethargic
Hair becomes coarse and dry, breaking, brittle, falling out
Skin becomes coarse, dry, scaly, and thick
Hoarse or gravely voice
Puffiness and swelling around the eyes and face
Pains, aches in joints, hands and feet
Moods change easily
Feelings of worthlessness
More feelings of sadness
Loss of interest in normal daily activities
Oh, and here are some additional symptoms that tend to come along with hypothyroidism:
No sex drive (Really? But I feel so puffy, fatigued, and severely constipated! That TOTALLY puts me in the mood usually.)
More frequent infections, that last longer
Shortness of breath and tightness in the chest
Feeling the need to yawn to get oxygen
Eyes feel gritty and dry
Eyes feel sensitive to light
Jumpy eyes/tics in eyes, which may cause dizziness/vertigo and headaches
Tinnitus (ringing in ears)
Recurrent sinus infections
Whee! This is gonna be great. Just great.
I'm afraid that this cancer may have already spread to lymph nodes and beyond.
I'm afraid of what the post-surgical pathology will show.
I'm afraid of something happening that will affect my vocal cords. (I fucking LOVE to talk my head off and laugh loudly and sing at the top of my lungs, and if anything permanently hinders my ability to do that, I seriously don't know what I will do.)
I hate having to rely on others to take care of me, even if for a short period of time.
I haven't figured out how to discuss what's going on with The Geej, and I don't want her to see my fear when I DO talk to her about this.
I feel guilty for having these fears and doubts at all when I know people who have gone through--and ARE going through--much more serious health issues than what I'm dealing with.
But I'm having them. I must be honest with myself about all of this. I need a good, long, doubled-over sobbing bawlfest. And maybe a martini or three. And I need lots, and lots, and LOTS of positive, healing thoughts and energy sent my way.