Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Anna Nicole does Texas proud, again.

There's something fascinating about watching a trainwreck. I saw some footage of Anna Nicole Smith at last Sunday's "American Music Awards" ceremony, and she was so fucked up, slurring, and gorgeous that it was just mesmerizing. I mean, she's always been sort of a larger-than-life (literally) cartoon character--From her gorgeous, Guess/Playboy days to her bloated ridiculousness during the "marriage" to that "Mr. Burns" type billionaire, to her boozy, super embarrassing turn as the star of her own reality show and, most recently, as spokesmodel/success story for TrimSpa diet aid pills.
Granted, no one has ever accused Miss Smith of being a rocket scientist. But does she really think we're going to buy it when she says that the reason she had to be held up by two bodygaurds in order to walk after her AMA appearance was due to the fact that she'd had a particularly grueling workout with her personal trainer earlier that day? Oh really? And the moon is made of cheese? Awesome!
During her introduction of Kayne West Anna Nicole was less coherent than Kirk Douglas was that time he appeared on the Oscars a little too soon after his massive stroke. I felt sorry for Mr. Douglas. I was just cringing for Anna Nicole. Big time.
And she swears she's not on anything or drunk. Well then, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, ANNA?! You were slurring like you'd had 6 shots of novacaine in your tongue right before you stumbled on to the stage. And then you said, "Do you like my boooooooooooooooodddddddyy?" At least I think that's what you said. Yes, you look great, honey. Skinnier than I've ever seen you before. But you should really see someone about stroke you apparently had some time recently. It's really doing a number on you.

P.S. Don't you just know we're going to be hearing something in the future from her poor son, Daniel? Think about how much your mom used to embarrass you when you were a teenager. And it would be for something stupid, like wearing two different shades of navy or ordering milk to eat with her dinner at Chili's. Can you imagine growing up with Anna Nicole as your mom? Jesus. Poor kid...

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