I Am 93% More Likely

To get behind the old lady writing a check and trying to use 49 coupons and a raincheck at the grocery store than behind someone who actually has shit to do and wants to get the FUCK outta there.

To lie awake with my mind racing after my 4:48am trip to the bathroom than actually fall back to sleep.

To yell "Come ON, Granpaw!" at you if you're going 32 mph in a 45 mph zone than to think, "It's so ADORABLE how slowly he's going!! Good for him!"

To fart than tinkle when laughing.

To choose potato chips over tortilla chips and cantaloupe over honeydew.

To take a nap when the opportunity presents itself rather than do something "productive" or "active."

To vote for a blind, brain-damaged chimpanzee covered in its own feces than any of the Republican "candidates" currently campaigning to be our country's next president.

To sing harmony than melody.

To tell you if you've got something stuck in your teeth or if your fly is open than let you walk around looking like a chump.

To buy something without trying it on and then have to return it when I get it home and it doesn't fit than try it on in the store.

To drink savignon blanc than chardonnay.

To read non-fiction than fiction.