Wednesday, June 08, 2011

10 Sexxxy Things

1. In middle school, I received a perm at the J.C. Penney salon in the Longview Mall that not only left me with a huge, blonde Annie-type afro, it also gave me chemical burns on the back of my neck that prohibited me from wearing collars and/or sleeping on my back for at least a week.

2. I slept with Neosporin and a Band-Aid on my face last night. Why? Because the big, huge zit I have on my right cheek wouldn't stop bleeding.

3. Shopping in big box retailers--especially book stores--induces an immediate and (ahem) imperative need to visit the restroom.

4. I've been using the same hairbrush since 1990.

5. I've never had anything waxed. Ever.

6. I am, hands-down, the most unattractive crier you've ever seen.

7. I can no longer drink even a couple of beers without severe digestive consequences.

8. There is this one hair that grows IN THE MIDDLE of my forehead, seemingly overnight. Luckily, it is blonde. But it is still unsettling to find it suddenly, 2.5" long and just THERE.

9. I have had both impetigo AND shingles before. (Luckily, not simultaneously.)

10. I wear a nightguard, drool and snore when I sleep at night.

Yep. Go ahead and feel free to insert the Pine Curtain Refugee into all of your sexytime fantasies.

You're welcome.


Kathy said...

OMG dude, #3! My mom and I have the same thing. Except only for bookstores and antique malls. Why? WHY DOES THAT HAPPEN?!

Karla said...

#3 is called Butt Guppy. I get it EVERY DAMN TIME I go to Last Call. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE Last Call.

Haw haw! My word ver is domboner. Yeah, duh.

Emily said...

I still think you're smokin'.