My Insomniac Mind at 4:38am

Unclinch my jaw. I need to remember to tell the team about jury duty. I should throw a load of towels and underwear into the wash before we leave tomorrow. Did BH start the dishwasher? I didn't hear it. Not comfortable. Got to write a check for the cleaning people. What else have I put on my credit card this month besides those tickets and that lunch? Where is that bin in the garage with the Geej's winter stuff? Unclinch my jaw. If F doesn't like tomatoes, I'll have to modify that recipe. But what else would be good in it? I need to make an appointment with the dermatologist. Call the endocronologist tomorrow. What does my schedule look like tomorrow? I know there's the team meeting, but there's something else...in the afternoon. Not comfortable, roll over. Shave my legs tomorrow. New razor blade. Where is that special floss that gets behind my retainer? Unclinch my jaw. The ceiling over the bathtub. The shelves. Breakable things. Storage room. Kitchen paint. New faucet. Call Jeff. Or email. The weekend of the 20th? That's the best weekend. That police officer. Honor flag. Fitting tribute. Just doing his job. Unclinch my jaw. What else on that playlist? Music lessons for Geej. Schedule? Which beach house? Need to book it. Don't nag. Should email Mel about happy hour. Miss her and Kim. Mell to Temperance? Call Thelma. Hope Skye's mom will respond tomorrow. Worried about exective support. What does "They think it's done," mean? Alarming. 529 rollover. Confusing paperwork. Unclinch my jaw. Ireland. When? Does he still suck his thumb? San Antonio. About $14,000. Wonder what I could get for it. Legroom. Laura's house. Charleston. Why can't I sleep?! Legalzoom. Finish. How much? Can't do everything. Dishwasher. Laundry. Re-fold and organize. Unclinch my jaw. Dental bill. Just ignore. Throw away? File? Clean out files. Shredding. Uncomfortable. Change sheets. More laundry. It's not a closet. No more pedicures. She's going to be pissed. Pictures. Carnival. Unclinch my jaw.

Good vs. Evil

I am not what you would call irresponsible with money. I sock away dollars from each and every paycheck for my 401(k), a Roth IRA, the Geej's college fund, a savings account for my goddaughter, my regular old savings account and a high-dollar life insurance policy that will take care of BH and The Geej should I ever kick the bucket. No one taught me to do this. It's just something that I've always done. I'm a "rainy day" kind of gal. But the very FEW times I've been an idiot with my money, I've had a helluva lot of fun.

Like this one time, pretty soon after I'd graduated from college, I was totally unemployed and had been for months. I was doing some lame ass temp work, but had no permanent prospects anywhere on the horizon. So what did I do? Pulled out the credit card and booked a trip to Seattle to visit my friend Julie who'd moved there a few months prior. I remember the distinct feeling of "I really shouldn't do this" followed quickly by the uncommon feeling of "You know what? FUCK it! I'm doing it!" I booked that sucker, and went and had a blast. We even took an excursion to Vancouver, B.C. (back when a driver's license could get you over the border and back in, no problemo). In fact, I was having so much fun (and had no real commitments to get home to) that I wasn't ready to leave when the time come, so I called and changed my ticket so I could stay a couple more days. And yes, I charged the change fee to my credit card. It took my unemployed ass a LONG time to pay off that trip, but I still remember it fondly.

And each and every time I've gone to Vegas and blown money gambling and on expensive dinners, it wasn't all that responsible of me, but I had a great time, so it didn't bother me too much.

I am by no means perfect, but I'm pretty damn solid when it comes to my finances, and that's something I'm proud of.

So when I start to struggle with something totally frivolous and impractical that I want--something irresponsible that will cost a pretty penny--it is torturous. It's literally like there is a cartoon devil sitting one shoulder and an angel on the other battling it out in my mind.:

"Don't do it Karla May! You'll be sorry!!"

"Dooooooo eeeeeeeeeeeet! It'll be so much fun. It's WORTH it, and you only live once."







The cause of my current struggle?

Yes friends: It's a Volvo C-70 convertible. Isn't it drool-worthy? Yes. Yes it is.

See, I've had convertible fever (CF) for some years now, but I've managed to keep it pretty much in check. I've been known to rent a convertible on occasion to get over a particularly bad spell of CF, and that usually works. For a while. But I'm worried that this current case I've got may do me in.

I'll admit I troll around on Carmax.com from time-to-time looking at what kind of convertible inventory they've got available. You know...just for fun. But this past weekend, I couldn't help myself. I went and took a test drive of a pale blue 2006 Volvo C-70 that had less than 30,000 miles on it. Now mind you, I am in NO POSITION WHATSOEVER to purchase a car. Plus, my current vehicle--which is awesome--is a 2008, so I knew going in that there was no way I was going to try to buy this particular car. But it was SO FUCKING GORGEOUS I had to go and take it for a spin. Which I did. And there are no words to describe how bad I've got the CF now. I am so in love with this make/model of car, it's borderline psychotic. I. Want. One. Like, NOW!! And the little devil just keeps whispering "Do eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet" in my ear. But the angel--practical, level-headed bitch that she is--keeps pulling me back from the brink by whispering disturbing things about "debt" and "lack of job security" and "double dip recession" and "mid-life crisis" in my ear.

I hate that damn angel. She's a real buzzkill.

So, for now at least, I'm going to keep driving and paying on my Practical Small 4-Cyl. SUV. BORING!! But someday, my friends. Someday the devil's gonna win this one.

Diagnosis: I am nuts

Not really, but she's sending me to a therapist. And giving me Xanax. So yeah, maybe I'm a leeeeetle bit nuts.

All I'm hoping is that I somehow make it through the rest of this year without having to be checked into Shoal Creek.

We'll see...

Like any great trainwreck, I recommend you watch this space for further developments.

One chick's trash is another chick's reason for spending two 100+ degrees days cleaning out storage bins in the garage.

BEHOLD! These are just SOME of the treasures I uncovered...

I found some gorgeous, stylish jewelry.

Patriotic mugs, just in time for The Fourth!!

Some VHS tapes (yes, VHS!!) and books commemorating really cool TV shows:

A kick-ass "rain pancho" in a moldy packet. Here it is, modeled by my handsome and brave husband: Just SOME of the cat-themed gifts given to me because, you know, I like cats and shit*:

(*Should you ever be wanting to purchase a gift for me in the future, I IMPLORE you, nothing cat-related. Mmmmkay?)

Programs from some concerts I attended. (Perhaps this begins to explain the extreme variety of my musical taste):

A collection of plastic mugs from various places of employment:

A pamphlet from the Austin "Downtowner Motor Inn" from a trip my family made down here in the 1970s. Apparently, I was impressed because, you know, I kept this for like 30+ years:

Quite possibly the greatest bumper sticker of all time:

(Don't worry. I didn't throw this away. Oh HELL no. It's now gracing the door of my deep-freeze.)

This Gumby pin:

This framed piece of lace (made in China!) that actually hung in my apartment's bathroom when I lived in Birmingham. I can't believe I ever thought that this "Kountry Charm" crap was my style...

An unopened CD called, "Guitar for Lovers." I mean just LOOK at those lovers on the cover!! Sexxxy.

An extremely disturbing and creepy self-portrait of my friend Andrew in his underwear that he sent me in the mail:

My one and only trophy/crown from my one and only beauty pageant I was ever in. Miss Starlite "Talent Winner" 1983, bitches!!

This little green plastic baby:

An impressive collection of highly-intellectual literature:

Art by moi:

A Xerox of a tarot card or something called "The Emperor". I'm not really sure about this one, but I was too creeped out and superstitious to throw it away:

A Snork:

A contact sheet from my one and only "head shot" session from back when I thought I might try to be an actress:

A page from an elementary school class project about Texas history:

A Gilda Radner paper doll book that features costumes from her most famous characters:

A "grow your own boyfriend" thing that someone who thought I was way too single must've given me:

A Stevie Ray Vaughn memorial set design drawing done for my Scene Design class in college. Yes, I'm serious:

A menu. From a trans-Atlantic flight. On Braniff. We were in coach. Yes, Virginia, this IS how flying used to be...

Speaking of menus, here's one from Beans. Remember Beans?!? (BTW, I used to have a menu from "Banana's" too, but I tossed the LAST time I did a purge of this shit):

And last, but DEFINITELY not least (not this week, anyway) this bumper sticker: Yep. I'm awesome.

Further proof that I never throw anything away:

This entry could also be titled, "Maybe I should throw some shit away."

Case(s) in point:

The mold made of my teeth when I was getting braces...in 1983.

Merit badges I earned as a Bluebird (circa late 1970s). One was for swimming, and I think the other one was for raising chickens or for my falconer skills. At least that's what it looks like.


These horrifyingly ugly earrings from Pier 1 (remember when they used to sell jewelry?) given to me by my aunt (mid-1990s).


This kick ass button drawn my me and made by me with a friend's button maker. Hopefully it was never actually WORN by me, but I can't be too sure (mid-80s).
A pin (one of a series) that was ordered by me and my friend Lori Williams in 9th grade. We sent off for them from an ad in the back of "Rolling Stone." Lori was OBSESSED--and I mean it--with Huey Lewis, and so she got an "I (heart) Huey" pin and I got this one that reads, "I (heart) The News." I also had one that read, "I (heart) Eddie Money." What a fucking DORK, ya'll!


This little dude in an outhouse. You put water in the base, then you open the outhouse door, and the little dude turns around and pees on you. Yuk yuk yuk and hardee har her!


Wait a second. That's actually pretty cool.

But seriously, I need professional help. I must rid myself of some of the clutter in my life. This has gotten pretty ridiculous. I'm totally turning in to my mom...

Spring Cleaning.

You KNOW you work at a weird place when almost everyone on your team is doing some sort of a "cleanse." Two of the chicks on my team have had nothing but water mixed with lemon juice, cayenne pepper and molasses since last Friday night. They're supposed to do this for (at least) ten days, then when they break this fast, they're only supposed to have orange juice for a couple of days and then slowly start eating again. They are, clearly, insane.

Jaye has started her diet in earnest (Go Jaye!), and I'm sure our other female colleague will begin some sort of cleanse/fast or something (she's been talking about some brown rice cleanse she's read about) when she returns from Seattle tomorrow. So I figured, when in Rome...

So tomorrow morning, I'm going to start a 14-day cleanse. That's right, two freakin' weeks of nothing but this stuff,water, and raw fruits and veggies (the fiber-y kind...not the starchy or citrus-y kind). Clearly, I am insane. But truthfully, I know people who do these things quarterly or a couple of times a year, and they swear by them. They say you feel so good during and after, that it's totally worth it. I'm willing to try anything once. And besides, I need to start eating better, and I figure starting from scratch might be just the way to do it. So of course, I pigged out today on Indian food for lunch and bbq for dinner.

Bye bye real food. Hello cleanse. As long as I don't have stuff that looks like this come out of me, I think I'll be cool. (WARNING: Do NOT click on that link unless you think you can handle looking at dozens of photos of the truly bizarre poop of strangers.)

Wish me luck...and will power.