The conversation that's been going on in my brain for the past few days:

Why are you getting so worked up about this? It's a fairly routine surgery. You need to quit acting like a baby.

Oh my GOD I'm going to die!

You're not going to die. You're going to be fine, and you'll be able to look back on what an anxious freak you've been, and laugh at yourself.

What if...? What if...? What if...?

None of that's going to happen. It's going to go down like it should, all the cancer will be removed, you'll recuperate quickly, get on some synthetic hormones, and live happily ever after. 

I don't have a will. I need to get a fucking will. I'm 41 years old and have a husband and a child and responsibilities and shit. I need a will.

You're not going to die, dumbass!

I need to go make sure all of my beneficiary information is correct on my life insurance, Roth IRA, and 401k stuff. 

You've got plenty of time to handle all of that because you're going to be fine.

What if I wake up in recovery and I totally freak out and start pulling out tubes and stitches and stuff? Sometimes people do WEIRD stuff when they're coming out of anesthesia. Holy crap, I know I'm going to wigthefuck out.

You've got Valium. Sweet, sweet valium to help you be calm tomorrow.

I need to make sure we've got enough groceries and shave my legs and finish the laundry and make sure all my bills are paid and up-to-date. Do we have enough cat food? Oh crap, we're out of milk.

Your wonderful husband is there. Let him help you. Don't think that you've got to do it all yourself.

If I start crying in my pre-op visit today, I'm going to be very embarassed. What a baby!

They've seen it all. Please quit worrying already.

Is The Geej scared? I'm scared. Is she picking up on that? How can I protect her from this when I'm such a basket case? 

She's curious, but she's not scared. She thinks you can do ANYTHING. You're like superwoman to her. And she'll be in good hands.

I'm going to cry again. I'm sick of crying and being anxious. I can't concentrate on anything. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

You are GOING TO BE FINE. Everything is GOING TO GO WELL. There will be NO COMPLICATIONS. Now, go take a Xanax.

Where's a brick I can put on her head?!

This kid of mine, she's getting SO big. For some time now, she's been really wanting to go in the "Justice" store that's in the same shopping center as the PetSmart and Which Wich we frequent. But she's just a tad too little for their smallest size (6), and so we've really never shopped in there. Until today.

We went and got her hair trimmed at the Cool Cuts for Kids next door to this joint, and after her cut, she pleaded and PLEADED to go in and look around. We went straight back to the sale racks, and she zoned in on this little hoodie that was on sale for 1/2 price. (Hey, if it's got sparkle on it, I can assure you this girl will find it and want it.) I have to admit, it IS pretty cute. And on the back, in sparkle letters it says, "Peace/Love/Smile".

As soon as we got home, she put it on and assured me she'd be wearing it to school "every day this week". She then quickly asked, "Do I look like a teenager?"

Not yet, little one. Thankfully, not yet.

In the interest of full disclosure:

Yes, I am scared. Terrified, in fact. And worried.

I don't want to go through with this surgery, but know that I must.

I don't want to be in the hospital at all--even if for a short stay, but know that I will.

I don't want to go through the post-surgical hypothyroidism caused by the period between when I will have no TSH running through my system and when I'll be able to start taking the synthetic TSH and get it adjusted to a point where I can have some semblance of normalcy. Wondering what some of the things that happen when you have hypothyroidism? I was too, so I looked it up. Check out this barrel of laughs:

Gaining weight inappropriately
Inability to lose weight with diet/exercise
Constipation, sometimes severe
Hypothermia/low body temperature (Feel cold when others feel hot, need extra sweaters, etc.)
Fatigue, exhaustion
Feeling run down, sluggish, lethargic
Hair becomes coarse and dry, breaking, brittle, falling out
Skin becomes coarse, dry, scaly, and thick
Hoarse or gravely voice
Puffiness and swelling around the eyes and face
Pains, aches in joints, hands and feet
Carpal-tunnel syndrome
Feeling depressed
Feeling restless
Moods change easily
Feelings of worthlessness
Difficulty concentrating
More feelings of sadness
Loss of interest in normal daily activities
and
Forgetfulness

Oh, and here are some additional symptoms that tend to come along with hypothyroidism:

No sex drive (Really? But I feel so puffy, fatigued, and severely constipated! That TOTALLY puts me in the mood usually.)
More frequent infections, that last longer
More snoring 
Sleep apnea
Shortness of breath and tightness in the chest
Feeling the need to yawn to get oxygen
Eyes feel gritty and dry
Eyes feel sensitive to light
Jumpy eyes/tics in eyes, which may cause dizziness/vertigo and headaches
Tinnitus (ringing in ears)
Recurrent sinus infections
Some lightheadedness

Whee! This is gonna be great. Just great.

I'm afraid that this cancer may have already spread to lymph nodes and beyond.

I'm afraid of what the post-surgical pathology will show.

I'm afraid of something happening that will affect my vocal cords. (I fucking LOVE to talk my head off and laugh loudly and sing at the top of my lungs, and if anything permanently hinders my ability to do that, I seriously don't know what I will do.)

I hate having to rely on others to take care of me, even if for a short period of time.

I haven't figured out how to discuss what's going on with The Geej, and I don't want her to see my fear when I DO talk to her about this.

I feel guilty for having these fears and doubts at all when I know people who have gone through--and ARE going through--much more serious health issues than what I'm dealing with.

But I'm having them. I must be honest with myself about all of this. I need a good, long, doubled-over sobbing bawlfest. And maybe a martini or three. And I need lots, and lots, and LOTS of positive, healing thoughts and energy sent my way.

"The Rainbow Connection" is the long, cold hand of DEATH!!

I haven't watched "The Muppet Movie" in a bazillion years, but I purchased the DVD recently thinking that The Geej would probably dig it. So yesterday, when she was home from school with hives and a fever (turns out she's actually pretty allergic to the --icillin class of antibiotics; she's doing better now), I popped in the movie and settled in to watch it with her. The thing that struck me most was how OLD I felt when I realized that almost every celebrity that appeared in this movie is now six feet under:

Jim Henson
Edgar Bergen
Milton Berle
James Coburn
Dom DeLuise
Bob Hope
Madeline Khan
Richard Pryor
Telly Savalas
Orson Welles

Crazy, no? Alls I'm saying is that Steve Martin (who plays the cranky waiter) better be having regular check-ups.

Let's DO this!

Today when my doctor's nurse called to discuss scheduling my surgery, I almost felt like I was asking for a table at a busy restaurant: "I'll take first available." So, the surgery will be happening on 3/5. My pre-op consult will be happening this Friday. Good. I want to get this shit done and done, you know?

In other news, if you know anyone else besides me who lives in Austin, then surely you've heard that IT SNOWED today! Really! But it was a perfect snow--lovely to watch fall from the sky, but not enough to mess with travel and traffic. The Geej got to enjoy it at school when her entire class went out in it and had a snowflake-catching-on-your-tongue-a-thon.

Speaking of The Geej, this morning she woke up with a rash over most of her body, but little itching and no fever. I looked up what was going on (thank you, interwebs) and according to the University of Michigan Children's Hospital website, it is "antibiotic rash", which sounded pretty innocuous. (She's been on Amoxicillin since last Tuesday.) But after dosing her with Benydryl and calling her doctor's office (which was closed due to "inclement weather"), it was only getting worse. Tonight I also added some cortizone cream to the mix. At bed time, she was still COVERED in red, raised bump, from her face to her ankles, and beginning to run a low-grade fever. I'll be calling her doctor again first thing in the morning. Have any of y'all ever dealt with this? I'm starting to freak out a bit...

N-word = C-word

Got the news late this afternoon: this is my diagnosis. Doctor wants to remove the whole thyroid due to the other little n-words hanging out along with the largest n-word. Surgery will probably be scheduled within the next two weeks. After it is removed, my care will be handed over to an endocrinologist who will put me on synthetic hormones for the rest of my life.

I'm not afraid of the cancer. It's super treatable and my prognosis is excellent. I am, however afraid of the utter depletion of my paid time off account (into which I am due to receive a nice disbursement on my 3/5 paycheck, but it'll be mostly wiped out because of my surgery and recuperation time). And I'm also pretty fucking terrified--phobic, actually--of being in the hospital and getting a post-surgical infection. Been there, done that. Every time I think about actually having to go in there and under the knife, I can feel my blood pressure rise and my ears start to burn and ring like I'm going to pass out. As a matter of fact, I'm going to quit typing about it.

So, yeah. I've got some major schedule adjustment to do in the coming weeks in order to figure out when all this shiz is going to go down.

All I can say right now, is thank God I had vertigo bad enough to send me to the ENT. Otherwise, who knows when (or if) this thing would've been caught.