It's ALWAYS Cottage Cheese Time!

I happened upon this little masterpiece, created by the good people at Sealtest Kitchens (makers of fine Sealtest Creamed Cottage Cheese) and, naturally, I couldn't pass it up. So, for only one American dollar, I was able to open up a veritable treasure trove of cottage cheese ideas that would simply be criminal to keep to myself.

Without further ado, Serve Cottage Cheese (as interpreted by Karla May): 

Would you please take a look at that cover, people? Wouldn't you be bursting with pride to serve up an hors d'oeuvres tray that looked that appetizing? I know I certainly would!

Pictured above are some more snickety snacks featuring something called "Fluffy Cottage Cheese" and its partner in deliciousness, "Deviled Ham Cheese" (I'm guessing it's the pink one on the left). They suggest you serve these tasty treats with hot chocolate. Genius.

As you might suspect, this photo comes from the "Salads with Cottage Cheese" section of the booklet. And, as you might also be able to figure out (once you realize that those red things AREN'T strawberries), this is "Tomato--Cottage Cheese Salad." Congratulations! You're a cottage cheese champion!! (Feel free to add that to your resume and or CV.) Your prize? This amazing list of some of the mouth-watering choices from the salads section:

• Jellied Beet and Cottage Cheese Salad
• Lone Star Salad (contains avocado, lime juice, cottage cheese, salt, lettuce and...wait for it...oranges!)
• Jellied Apple Salad with Cottage Cheese
• Cottage Cheese Crisps (which aren't salad-like at all)
• Jellied Peach-Blueberry Ring
• 
  
  And, of course, Cottage Cheese Salad Rings (pictured below)

Unfortunately, even the photos rendered in black-and-white--which is usually more kind to its subject than color photography--still look like some kind of gastronomic nightmare.

I'm not sure why the word Combos needs quotation marks here. A more practical application of quotation marks for the title of this section would've gone something like this: "Edible" Salad Combos.

Then again, they use quotation marks in a questionable way throughout the entire book. Like here:

Whether it's breakfast, lunch or dinner--cottage cheese "stars" for hearty deliciousness. "Stars", eh? More like: Cottage cheese "prevents" any deliciousness. I think that would make a bit more sense.

But you know one thing they left out in that sentence? DESSERT!! And I know that the first thing that comes to my mind when I think dessert is lumpy, cold cottage cheese. You too?! Outstanding!

Of course the first recipe in the (thankfully sparse) "Delicious Desserts with Cottage Cheese" section is Cheese Cake made with cottage cheese and zwieback crackers. Wow! I want a piece never!!

Another horrible sounding dessert in this section? Cottage Cheese Jelly Whip. Am I the only one who finds this whole cottage cheese/jellied things combo shit going on in this booklet pretty nauseating? I'm glad it's a trend that never caught on. Except in Russia. They love congealed gloopy stuff over there.

Some of the other horrifying recipes in this book include:

• Pineapple Cheese (It's like Hawaii meets Norway! But not!)
• Baked Tomatoes and Banana (WTF?!)
• Cottage Cheese Pancakes (I'm tempted to make these just to see if it turns out looking like pancakes with cystic acne. I'm thinking it does.)
• Scrambled Eggs a la Sealtest (More like "Scrambled Eggs a la Barfbag")
• Top-of-Stove Cottage Cheese Breakfast Souffle (Um...no.)
• Cottage Cheese-Coconut Spread (And FUCK no!)
• And last, but certainly not least: Lily Nibbles (which, coincidentally, was the name of Chesty Morgan's opening act on the burlesque circut for years.)

And now for something completely different:

You know, it's been a while since I blew your MINDS with some of my "Old Weird Cookbook Finds". This one is a particular favorite, and I've actually been meaning to blog about it for some time, but because I'm a nice person, I actually gave the chick over at Cake Wrecks the opportunity to post this FIRST, but she didn't respond to my email, so you know, screw her.

So may I humbly present, "Animal Cut-Up Cakes"

Timmy what kind of cake would you like for your birthday? Spiderman? Really? Well too bad, because you're getting Tortie the Turtle!!

Oh quit crying, Timmy! There's no need to be afraid. The green hairy turtle will really be quite yummy!

What's that Mary? You'd like a princess cake? Well too fucking bad, because you're getting Teddy Bear for your birthday!

I know it looks like a mutant bear/bunny with horrible soulless eyes, but he's just here to make you happy!

Now listen kids, quit your crying!! You don't want to end up like The Cut-Up Kids.

THEY didn't appreciate the wonderful birthday cakes THEIR mommy made for them, and she lopped off their arms! You don't want that to happen to you, now do you?

And just think, in a few months, we'll also be able to enjoy the decapitated head and mournful eyes of Dear-ie the Reindeer! There's no WAY Santa will be making it to all the children's houses on Christmas Eve since his lead reindeer's head will be on a platter in the middle of our table!! We're going to ruin Christmas for everyone!!

Ho Ho Ho, indeed!!

All of these fine culinary creations have been brought to you by the fine people of Baker's Angel Flake Coconut.

Baker's--When you want your dessert to taste like heaven's dandruff.