Not So Charitable

Giving one's money--time or other wordly possesions--away is what most people refer to as "charity". I've always considered myself a rather charitable person. I volunteer and donate when I can. But I have a few rules when it comes to charitable solicitations. And if you break them, you don't get my time/money/stuff.

Here they are:

1. If you try to GUILT me in to giving by sending me address labels/Christmas cards/calendars/wrapping paper that I didn't request and will, most likely, never use: SCREW YOU. You're wasting your organization's limited funds and destroying trees with your plea. You are stupid, and I will not donate. (I'm looking at you Texas Exes, World Wildlife Federation, Animal Trustees of Austin, and Boys Town Christmas Appeal.)
2. If John Aielli is involved in your plea, I will not donate.
3. If you're panhandling, and you're smoking a cigarette, I will not donate.
4. If you solicit me by mail more than once a year, I will not donate.
5. If you're not creative enough to use your allowed once-a-year donation soliciation (see above) during some time OTHER than the holiday season, I will not donate.
6. If I've donated with you before, and now you want me to donate at a higher level, I (probably) will not donate (at that higher level).
7. If I donate to you, and then you sign me up for a gagillion OTHER "like-minded" charities who then start bombarding me with mail/phonecalls/emails, I will not only not donate to YOU anymore, but your like-minded organizations will also get blackballed.
8. Pledge premiums work if they're creative. But if they're too typical (a tote bag! a coffee mug!), no thanks.
9. Enlist businesses to match pledges. I used to work for a company that matched charitable contributions at 50%. It not only made me pledge my support more frequently, it made me PROUD to say that I worked for such an organization.

If you are a not-for-profit organization whose mission I believe in, I will support you if I can. I am smart and have access to the channels that will connect me with you. I promise. But other than that? You need to check yourself.

Born in September?

I'm a January baby myself, but this idea is so phenomenal, that I had to give...and to share.

The September Campaign Trailer from charity: water on Vimeo.

Weird dreams.

So far this week, I've dreamed that I was just hanging out with Diane Keeton. You know, we were buddies. And she was utterly delightful and fun. And GORGEOUS.

I also dreamed that I ran over my ex-husband with my car. There was this split second in the dream where I had the opportunity to make the decision whether or not to run him down, and I chose to go for it. And I just kept going. Never looked back.

Last night I dreamed that my boss was having me sign some bonus paperwork that said I was getting a $100,000 bonus (with a $42,000 addition for "exceptional work"). I asked him if the figure was correct, and he was like, "Of course it is!" I was literally breathless and speechless in my dream. It was almost an anxiety attack, but in a good way.

So that makes Elmo wonder (those of you with 2 to 4 year olds know where I'm coming from): What IF I got a $142,000 bonus (which after taxes, would be reduced by about 30%, but let's just pretend the IRS didn't exist for a minute), what would I do?

In no specific order:
Pay off my car.
Pay off my MasterCard.
Pay off the smaller of my 2 home loans.
Put a healthy amount in The Geej's college account.
Put a healthy amount in my goddaughter's savings account.
Pay my mom back for some stuff.
Put a healthy amount in my ROTH IRA.
Put a healthy amount in my money market account.
Get some landscaping done, front and back.
Replace my back fence.
Install a sprinkler system (front only).
Finish putting gutters all around the house.
Get new carpet throughout.
Redo the kitchen countertops; get new appliances; re-paint; new kitchen floors.
New big girl bed for The Geej.
New desk for the office/guest room.
New tubs in both bathrooms.
Move Mr. Wonderful down here tomorrow.
Give a substantial donation to the baby home in Vladivostok where The Geej once lived.
Hire an every-other-week maid service.
Get someone to clean out my garage/storage building and sell all that shit on Craig's list or whatever.
Go to Vegas to see Prince.
Contribute more significantly to a couple of charities/NFPs that I already give regular donations to.