Meaningful Meetings

I've stayed in touch with the woman named Pam who performed the home study before and after I adopted The Geej. She also decided to adopt as a single mother, and her daughter, Kara, comes from the same region of Russia as Gracelyn. I've kept up with them--seen pictures and watched Kara grow--thanks to email and Facebook, but today, we finally got to have the girls meet each other in person.

It was very cool to talk with someone who knows EXACTLY what the Russian adoption process was like. I am so glad this happened--for all of us. And these two little ladies are so very, very loved my their mamas.

Feellikeeverythingisspeedingbyme

OMG. So busy. Can't really blog. But must.

Good news: My full body scan came back yesterday with the ALL FREAKIN' CLEAR!! And to add to that seriously awesome news, I got to start taking my thyroid replacement hormone. I'm already feeling a bump in my energy after only two doses. No afternoon SUPER DRAG today (for the first time in weeks)!

Which is good timing because let me break down the next couple of days for you:

• Tomorrow morning, fly to Birmingham, AL (via Dallas) at 7:40 in the damn morning. For work. Go to/work at event tomorrow evening in the B'ham store.
• Leave B'ham at 9:55 am on Saturday, and return to Austin (via Nashville).
• Land. Then IMMEDIATELY head to Llano county to attend a 40th b-day soiree of one of my favorite people (my NYC-based friend Tom) at one of my favorite places ("Casa Avocado"--my friends Lin and Ollie's ranch).
• Sunday. Do all of that get-ready-for-the-week stuff I always have to do on Sundays. Laundry. Grocery shopping. Etc.
• Monday. Back to work where an already-packed calendar awaits me.

So yes, this is the first time I've gotten to travel for work in nearly 2 years (due to travel/budget restrictions), and it just happens to fall on a weekend when a friend I never get to see is visiting town. Awesome.

The other thing that has me all wound up? This whole Russia-shutting-down-all-U.S.-adoptions-in-reaction-to-one-crazy-lady's-horrible-decision thing. The emotional toll that this HORRIBLY reactionary decision is having on untold people in the adoption pipeline is simply unfathomable to me. Imagine being there on Trip 2, preparing for your court date, excited about finally getting to take your child home and complete your family, giving him/her the love/attention that they so much need and deserve, only to be told that you have to leave without them...leave them behind in that godforsaken orphanage...without knowing if/when you'll ever see them again.

It's like a kick to the gut.

Looking back, looking forward.

This time last year, I had just returned from my first trip to Russia where I'd met the baby girl who would, several months later, officially become my daughter.

I will never, ever forget the exact moment I laid eyes on her for the first time. I was tired and very, very nervous. It was snowing like crazy outside, and the orphanage was extremely overheated. I'd been waiting all day to get there, and our trip had been delayed due to some "business" that was going on at the orphanage. So, it was now early evening and already dark outside. My facilitator ushered me inside where we removed our coats and put plastic booties on over our snow boots in a feeble attempt to keep the floors clean. They put me in the sparsely furnished, very warm Director's office and told me to wait. The walls were covered with photos of babies and toddlers who'd been adopted from there. Adoption announcements. Christmas cards. Birthday announcements. I looked at all of them at least 50 times. My palms were sweaty. I was lightheaded. Minutes seemed like hours. I could hear Russian being spoken and lots of movement in the hall outside the door. I kept thinking that they were about to open the door, but no. More waiting.

Then suddenly, a nurse walked in--a large woman dressed in all white--and thrust a baby out in front of her. The translator said, "Here she is. This is your baby." I gasped. All of the air went out of the room. My heart, beating impossibly loudly, leapt into my throat. Tears flooded my eyes. And, in that instant, that micro-second, my heart was hers. I would never, ever be the same after looking into those amazing, AMAZING blue eyes. Her eyes brightened the moment she saw me, as if she could feel my excitement to be in her presence. I timidly asked, "Can I hold her?" To which the translator brusquely replied, "Of course! Take her!" I spent the next few hours just holding her, gazing at her, touching her face, hands, hair. Memorizing every thing about her.

That's the first photo I ever took of her. She didn't smile. I don't think she knew how. No one had ever smiled AT her, so why would she? She was pale and tiny. 4 1/2 months old exactly. Wearing pajamas with bees on them and the words, "Fly away with me..."

I was completely bowled over by the enormity of it all, and the quiet intimacy of it. I was all by myself in this unfriendly foreign country holding this precious, precious child. I know that I will never know what it feels like to gaze upon the face of a child you've just given birth to, but I can't imagine that it feels any less amazing than what I felt on that night in that room.

I will also never forget the enormous pain and emptiness that I felt when I had to leave her there and come back home, not knowing when I would be seeing her again. Everytime I thought of her (which was at least 500 times a day), I felt like I'd been punched in the gut and hit in the heart. It physically hurt to think about her there in that godawful place, wondering if anyone had picked her up that day, if anyone had held her, if she'd had enough to eat, if she was sick, etc. It was mental torture. And as the weeks turned into months, the helplessness and deep ache just became more profound. All the while, I was physically ill, dealing with the intense cramping and bleeding that preceded (and necessitated) my hysterectomy. It was fucking awful.
Last Christmas was not joyous. It was lonely and sad. My stepfather had just died, and my mom was depressed and alone. I didn't have enough time off at work to go home to be with my mom, so I spent Christmas eve with a work friend eating popcorn, getting wasted drinking wine and watching DVDs.
This Christmas will be SO different: My mom, The Geej and me, all together. Hanging out and enjoying each other.
Thank you, Universe.

Two weeks to the day.

Today marks two weeks that I've been home with my baby daughter. Somehow, Vladivostok seems years away. While she was napping today, I was reading through the journal I was writing almost constantly while I was there. I thought I'd share one entry, verbatim, just for grins:

Monday, April 11
7:00pm

I'm down in the weird restaurant. I'm going to learn to detest this place, I can already tell. I've ordered a Greek Salad and an "American Hamburger with Chicken" for myself. Oh God. I'm taking a Chef's Salad to mom in the room. Tonight's muzak selection is famous movie themes/show tune played on the pan flute. At least that's what it sounds like (right now, it's "Midnight" from Cats...endless remix version, apparently). It's almost as nauseating as he food and the atmosphere. Around me, I have three tables filled with low-talking Russian men. Romantic? No. Creepy as hell? Why, yes!
Today I walked down to the baby store with Bob and Lynn to show them where it was. They still didn't have any "Bona" formula for Geej. She's got at least three days worth of formula left, so as long as they get some by Wednesday, I'll be happy. On the way back from the store, I stopped and bought two large jugs of water. The same jugs/amounts I bought on Sunday that cost 62 rbl. cost 54 rbl. today. Go figure. And now they have BOTH entrances to the hotel completely dug up and impassable (is that a word?). The one I had to go through to get to/from the market requires that you go down this very steep, muddy hill. So goes it in a society that doesn't litigate like mad.
The theme from Love Story is now playing on the harpsichord, by the way. And I just got my "Greek" salad. Are there normally apples in a Greek salad?
Anyway, back to today: When I got back from my little jaunt to the market, we decided to put The Geej in a Snugglie and take her for a stroll around the lobby, etc. just for a change of scenery. I was a little warm (b/c the hotel is just too damn hot) and winded (carrying big-ass 5 gallon containers of water up a very steep, muddy hill), and started to feel a little lightheaded. We had just gotten downstairs, and I had to hand Geej off to Mom and go back upstairs. I was feeling too weak and weird to hold her. Very scary. I think it was the combination of shitty diet (practically no veggies and very little protein) and the fact that I've been having a heavy period for 8 days now. I've been taking a daily multivitamin, but I just feel like something's not quite right.
My "American Chicken Burger" has arrived, and I gotta say, I'm not hating it. I probably will be in a few hours, though. [I was. --Karla May] What IS grossing me out is the very rare looking bacon (I think) that they've served on the side, swimming in grease. Ugh.
The Geej has had a very good day. Aside from the bathtime meltdown, she has fussed very little and been sweet/playful/funny very much. She really is a lovely child. And she's taking her formula with vitamins in it very well, which makes me happy.
Today I was in the bathroom, and I heard Mom playing with her, being so cute. It suddenly hit me how incredibly lucky Mom/Geej and I are to have this intense bonding experience together. They are clearly falling in love, and it reminds me again how blessed I am.
If only Daddy, Roy and Grandma could hold this darling child. I have no doubts that they see her from heaven, but I'm sure their arms long to hold her and get her sugar.
I just realized that the empty shelves above the bar in this restaurant have recently been filled with half-full bottles of random liquor--Campari (which I guess is big here b/c it's on every menu and in the mini bar), Jack Daniels, Vermouth. It's a paltry, pitiful offering, but at least the shelves aren't empty any more.

Adventures in Dining.

So they told me that all The Geej had ever been given to eat at the orphanage were the following:

• (Non-fortified) formula
• Apple and apricot juice
• Rice cereal
• Apples
• Apricots

That's it. Her whole diet for 8 months. (And I'm skeptical about the "juice" thing too, because the first time I tried to give her juice (and yes, I diluted it 50% with water), she looked at me like I was a space alien.) Sucks, no? No wonder all of the babies are diagnosed with rickets and anemia...

So when I got her in my arms, I was bound and determined to improve her diet. The facilitators took us to the baby store in Vlad, and pointed out the items we should buy--the exact same crap she'd been getting at the orphanage. And when you tried to add anything different to the basket, they said, "NO. Baby is allergic." Oh, really? And you would know how, exactly? So we did as we were told, and just bought the formula (called "Bona"), cereal, apples, apricots, and juice.

Now, the conventional wisdom is that you should just keep them on thier same diet until you get them home (because of potential allergies and digestive issues). But I couldn't help myself. A day or so after that initial visit, I went back and bought some pumpkin, carrots and pears. Nothing too adventurous, but I had to give this baby some stuff BESIDES all the sweet stuff she'd been eating. (Every baby book under the sun will tell you to introduce vegetables to your baby first, and the sweet stuff later. Makes sense, no?) Also, I immediately began giving her a full dose of Poly-Vi-Sol infant vitamins with iron.

The first time I got The Geej fully undressed in the hotel, you could see her ribcage, and her legs were like sticks. Absolutely no baby fat anywhere (except her cheeks...on her face).
Well, Saturday will mark my 1 month anniversary of having this little baby in my care. She's beginning to get a little fat roll on the top of her legs, and so far we've had spinach, potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, pumpkin, green beans, berries, bananas, pears, oatmeal, apple and pear juice and fortified (American) formula. And she's liked it all. The things she's turned her nose up at? Apples and apricots.

Recent things I've learned.

I'm back from 3 1/2 weeks in Vladivostok, Russia. I've got my BEAUTIFUL enchanting, amazing daughter, The Geej with me. Finally. I'm in full-on single mother mode now. It's a whole new world, folks. If nothing else, I've learned SO much in the past month. Let me now share some tidbits:

1. "Fashion" in Russia = 1989 Bon Jovi concert in Trenton, New Jersey.
2. More rare than an albino tiger? A Russian who smiles for the hell of it.
3. Pickles apparently CAN be served with spaghetti.
4. Apparently if there was a murder committed on a matress, it's okay to keep using it in a hotel.
5. Cat toys make great baby toys and vice versa.
6. There is no limit to the grossness and variety of baby poo.
7. Getting a 9-mo. old to laugh at you is a soul-stirring experience.
8. "Salad" in Russia means any available vegetables sliced up and topped with about a cup-and-a-half of mayonnaise.
9. Babies like cats. Cats don't like babies.
10. Being a mom is a wonderful, frustrating, magical, exhausting, rewarding, mysterious, scary adventure.

I'll write as I have time. There is much to tell. However, since I am barely finding time to take a shower, it's probably going to be sporadic.

One week down...

It's been a week since I got back to Austin from Russia. Just one week. It feels like so much longer than that.

I look at my baby's pictures every day. I've watched the video I made of her--20 minutes of watching her and listening to me saying, "Who's the pretty baby...hello sweet girl...hi..."--at least 10 times. I pray for her every night. I pray that someone is looking after her, caring for her, that she's staying healthy and strong and that, on some level, she knows that I'm coming back. One week has gone by which means I'm one week closer to going back to get her. I don't know how I'm going to handle at least five more weeks away from her. This separation and waiting part just sucks.

Christmas has, thankfully, come and gone. I've never been a huge fan of Christmas. It was never a big deal in my family because a) I was on only child so there wasn't a whole lot of hoopla going on and b) since my parents divorced when I was seven, Christmas always seemed to mean trying to figure out which parent I was supposed to be with and who was going to shuttle me where and at what time. Then, a couple of years ago, my father died right before Christmas. And this Christmas was the first without my stepfather. Plus, I'm nearly 6,000 miles away from my sweet baby. So Christmas. Not really very crazy about it.

This year, I went over to my work friend Francesca's apartment for Christmas Eve. She's the only person I know whose kitchen is smaller than mine, but she managed to whoop up one hell of a feast: Dungeness crab with homemade curry aioli, asparagus, horseradish mashed potatoes, an enormous salad, and toast points with triple cream Brie and fig spread. All followed by a slice of Yule Log. Yum. Then we proceeded to drink a LOT of wine and champagne and watch three movies. I ended up crashing there due to my copious consumption of the grape, and waking up with a banging headache at 7:15 am Christmas Day. Went home. Took a shower, brushed the moss off my teeth, and got back into bed. Woke up some time later, and Francesca and I went to see Wes Anderson's latest, "Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" at the Alamo Drafthouse where we soothed our hangovers with mimosas and popcorn.

The only Christmas gift I asked for (and got) was from my Mother: a large silver locket that I put some of The Geej's hair in. (I snipped it off with some fingernail clippers and stashed it in a Ziploc while the orphanage staff weren't looking.) It is something I will treasure for the rest of my life.

As bleak as my Christmas sounds, it was really okay. The weather was beautiful. I didn't have to travel. I didn't spend a lot of money I don't have on gifts for people. But for the rest of you, I hope your holiday was filled with family, great gifts and trouble-free travel. Next year, Christmas is going to rock because my daughter will be here, and it will be all about her.

God bless.

Coming at you, through the fog.

That's what I feel like--surrounded by fog. The jet lag really hit today. I am struggling to stay awake until at least 10:30pm in hopes that I'll sleep like a rock (which I did NOT last night). There's so much to write. I have so much to put down about my time in Vladivostok, about meeting my baby girl, about giving her her name, about the people, the snow, and about the totally fucked up phenomenon that is Russian television. Oh, there is much to tell my friends. And as I have no plans for Christmas--zero, zilch, nada--I am hoping to emerge from my haze and spend a lot of time in the coming days writing. So check back soon, and you'll learn a lot about why you might want to mark Vladivostok in December off your list of potential vacation spots.