So far today:

• I've lost a $20 bill that was meant to supplement my end-of-school gift offering for The Geej's teachers--money I specifically went to the bank to withdraw this morning
• I've sneezed at least 80 times
• I've had an anxiety attack
• I've had some serious stomach issues (use your imagination)
• The rat bite on my finger has started bleeding again
• I've entered into day four of a standoff with my mother about some really asinine shit
• I've broken down in tears
• I've gotten a call saying I'm past due for a $500+ medical charge that I swear to you I've not yet received a bill statement for
• I've gotten really, really dizzy and thought I was going to pass out

Yep. Just your typical Wednesday in my hormonally imbalanced Hell of a world.

The Whackness

Have you ever just not felt quite right? Like you're about 75% yourself, and the other 25% is sort of, out of whack? Well that's how I've been feeling for a while now, and tomorrow I'm finally going to go see my doctor about said-whackness. Basically, here's my list of issues:

• WEIGHT GAIN! Been going to the gym regularly since February, and haven't shed a pound. In fact, I've GAINED 5 lbs., so WTF?!
• INSOMNIA!! I'm not sleeping for shit. I tend to fall asleep, no problemo, but then I wake up--ZING!--at about 2:30am and can't get back to sleep. This happens at least three times a week, which leads me to my next issue...
• FATIGUE! Like utter exhaustion type fatigue. And not just physically, mentally as well.
• IRRATIONAL ANGER AND FRUSTRATION! You know how sometimes people describe their tempers as having "a short fuse"? Well, I'd describe mine these days as having NO fuse. At all. And I don't even want to describe how this lovely issue manifests itself in my day-to-day because it ain't purty.
• INSANELY DRY/ASHY SKIN AND HAIR LOSS! I don't think I need to really go into detail about this.
• HIGHLY IRRITABLE DIGESTIVE SYSTEM! Again, no details about this one. You're welcome.
• AND THE CRYING!! That's right: I'll just be sitting at my desk at work, and all of the sudden, I've got tears streaming down my face. Reason? You tell me and we'll both know.

Appealing, no?

If I hadn't already had all my girly parts yanked a couple of years ago, I would suspect I was beginning the fun process of going through The Change. But I've been there and done that. Twice. (Long story.) So I'm suspecting it's my meds that I'm on--the hormones, the antidepressant/anti-anxiety meds, and the high blood pressure meds. All I know is I don't feel like Karla May, and I haven't in a month of Sundays. In fact, I've felt like I've been teetering on the edge of some kind of major implosion for a while now. And it's not because I'm unhappy. I'm pretty damn happy, actually. Things are great at home and getting better at work (after a fairly rough year). So what the HELL is up, people?! Anyone have any theories?

Has anyone ever died from hot flashes?

I ask this only half-way jokingly.

I have kept count today, and since I woke up at 6:35 this morning, I have had no fewer than one an hour. More often than not, I have at least 2 an hour. For those of you who haven't had the joy of experiencing these things, it feels like you're standing in a un-airconditioned tin shack filled with roaring wood-fired pizza ovens in Death Valley in mid-August at high noon. And it comes on very suddenly. One minute, you're fine, the next minute you're miserable. It usually only last a few minutes, but it just knocks the wind out of your sails and pisses you off at the same time. And when you're in Texas in the middle of a very hot summer, it just adds to the fun. I know I'm not the first woman to experience menopause symptoms, but having them come on so fast and furiously has just been super crummy. It just magnifies the experience. Turns it up to eleven, so to speak.

Oh god...and the mood swings. They've gotten pretty bad too. Today I just started bawling because Geem was being so clingy it was just wearing me out. I just broke down and sobbed. And the new Coldplay album...I can't listen to it without crying. Or Elliot Smith. Or Lloyd Cole for that matter. I watched "Finding Neverland" last night and cried like a weenie. I don't guess they're mood "swings" exactly because that would imply that that there are highs that offset the lows, and there aren't. Then again, if there were, I guess it would be "manic-depression," so I guess I'd better be satisfied with what I've got.

The Battle of the High-Chair

The Geej and I are having "issues." Food issues, to be more specific. She is driving me NUTS with her eating peculiarities, and I've started to get really mad at her, which is stupid since she's 11 mos. old and i'm an adult. But still...

Here's the deal: She was eating like a pro. Every type of baby food I gave her, she enjoyed and ate enthusiastically. Then we moved to "stage 3" foods with chunks, and I started giving her finger foods--the kind of stuff you can pick up and eat without choking even if you've got tiny fingers and only 5 teeth in your head. And she got very good at feeding herself really quickly. It was amazing, to be honest. (Of course, I was there cheering her on like a lunatic, yelling "Hole in one!" and clapping when she'd actually manage to get the slimy piece of banana or slippery piece of avocado into her mouth.) But for about the past 5 days or so, she's simply boycotting every thing she once liked. What do I mean by "boycotting" you ask? Well, we sit down, I put a piece of sweet potato in front of her, and she looks right at me and throws it on the floor. She used to do this when she was done eating, as if to say, "Hey, I'm full. See? Let me show you...the cantaloupe is now on the floor. Get it?" But now, she does it at the BEGINNING of every dining session, and with every thing I'm trying to feed her. I tell her "No!"each time, and I've instituted a "5 strikes and your out" policy whereby once the 5th piece of food hits the floor, we're done. It saves us both a lot of frustration, but the downside is, SHE'S NOT EATING!! Granted, she's still drinking formula, so she's getting nourishment, but she's nearly a year old and should be getting about half of that nourshment from food, not formula. God, I hope this is a phase. It's so ridiculous how wonked out it makes me. I guess because meal time used to be fun for both of us. Now, I just dread it, and one of us usually ends up crying.

She's also simultaneously entered in to a severe hair-pulling phase and a crying-like-its-the-end-of-the-world-whenever-she-gets-her-diaper-or-clothes-changed phase. But hopefully, these too shall pass.

Now some of the great stuff she's doing:

• Trying like hell to stand up on her own.
• "Dancing" to music, which is WAY cute. It started out innocently enough with "Row, row, row your boat," but now she's into New Wave and the blues.
• Waving to the cats whenever she sees them.
• Going to bed at 8:00 - 8:30 instead of 9:00 - 9:30.
• Swimming! We went to the pool for the first time yesterday, and she liked it a lot. Probably because it was so warm it felt like bathwater, but man, did she ever look cute in her swimsuit and sun hat...

[By the way, the "mood swings" part of this whole menopause crap has set in big time. I cried at least 3 times yesterday, for no real reason. And let's just say my fuse is a lot shorter now that it once was. It takes very little to really, really piss me off. (See the previous paragraph about The Geej's eating habits, for instance.) I'm supposed to go back and see my doctor again in a few weeks, and I'm hoping there's some kind of medication out there that can make me sane again, because between the exhaustion caused by the insomnia and night sweats and the mood swings, Karla May isn't much fun to be around these days.]